It's been almost 7 years since Mary Jane and I danced for the first time. I never desired to dance again mainly because I never received anything from her. After 7 years of being around various people on and off and seeing the negative effects marijuana has on people I decided to...well..try it again!(Can you believe I was sober when I decided to do this? Long periods of intense pain make people decide they don't want it anymore, even if they know the escape isn't going to work, it's worth a try!)
I know, it sounds like a great idea but what can I say? I was in the mood and after a hellish year I felt if there's a chance I can numb out my emotions and take a little vacation from the spiritual path and try to be like everybody else maybe it would be rewarding? As my intuition has suggested for nearly 7 years now, it offered nothing truly good and in the end amplified all of my negative emotions.
Here in Colorado marijuana is partially legal with a "Medicinal Use" Marijuana Card. What does that mean? It means that for those few people that may actually benefit from the medical use of marijuana they can get it after getting an exam and registering with the sheriffs department and for the majority that don't actually need it the marijuana card provides an opportunity for them to use their creativity that they naturally have(though most seem to think getting high boosts that creativity)and create a "health issue" for themselves so they can have an excuse to buy Mary Jane to smoke or any other form of weed product such as weed brownies or weed pizza. I have noticed the more liberal states have had Marijuana Dispensaries all over the place from California to Oregon to Washington to Colorado but I must say that Colorado is the most prominent from my experience.
Zac, what happened while you got high?
What happened? It was great maaaaaaaan..I was like totally fucked up duuudddeee! In reality? I felt my intellect slipping away along with my ability to rationalize or follow my intuition and also feel the most purely enjoyable emotions while the only benefit was that it numbed some of those more painful emotions too.
Weed should be classified as a vegetable because that's what I have noticed it does to other people I have been around throughout my life and it was no different for me. The first half hour was fairly good by my standards of pain avoidance. I was able to think of all the horrible things going on in the world(that I usually think about on a daily basis, saddened that there's no way I can really effect major change)and not feel concerned, hurt, saddened or anything towards them. When it came time to face my personal demons while incredibly high(I smoked probably about 5 buds of pure sour kush)I experienced much of the same, I was able to flash back to the most painful parts of my life that I can recall in recent years being the events of earlier this year and not feel anything towards that either.
Was this possible?!?! Did I actually find something that could take away all of my pain??? Something that could take away all of my concern for the world around me that I seem to care about more than I actually should?? Could I actually just get a job at Kmart and have a few beers and Doritos when I get home after work and go back into oblivion?? Would this provide me the chance to take "the blue pill" and forget everything I experienced on a spiritual level so I could dumb myself down to the average person's level and become a human doing instead of a spiritual being? As I would imagine most highly sensitive, highly intelligent and highly intuitive people would feel at times, I could only hope.
However as I am also learning this year with many things both positive and negative, hope is often hopeless. Somewhere around the 45 minute marker of being high the hard crash came. The weed amplified my negative emotions and pain and drained me dry of any positive energy I had within my reservoir. It started out with me going into a world issue/political rant with a raging anger as I walked around the grocery store looking for munchies. I was staring at the colorful soda cans while the high started to wear off and remember how entertained I was by something so insignificant(let's face it, American's do this everyday even when they're not stoned, it's called television)but during the whole time at the grocery store I couldn't remember what I was there to buy, I couldn't locate it easily in the store and I was PISSED! I went on about the government and civilization in a way I hadn't since sometime in early to mid 2010. Then my favorite part came after I left the grocery store and the political part cycled out. Now about an hour and a half crashing off the high I shifted into a deep sadness and depression and the emotions turned towards my situation earlier this year with Sara, something that hasn't been of much thought for over a week now..can't wait to pick those feelings back up when all the smoke has cleared and I leave Denver, yay!
This was the challenging part because anger always exhausts me but there is a high that is created from rage, even though it isn't a healthy one but there is no high for me when I crash into depression or deep sadness. Thoughts of suicide came to the surface and intensified, a deep emptiness and feeling of betrayal arose along with a lack of forgiveness for anyone or anything. The longer this went on the more I was tempted to smoke another bag or start getting drunk, anything to keep me from feeling what I had been able to escape feeling for the first 30 minutes, this is how people become addicted and this is why marijuana is a gateway drug. Yes, that's right potheads, marijuana is not "the all healing herb" it's a coping mechanism.
The good thing about the high wearing off is that it sobered up my senses a bit, sure the demons came to the surface but with them came my intuition that was screaming to me "DO NOT TAKE ANOTHER HIT OR DRINK ANY ALCOHOL!!!" and despite the fact that I felt emotionally raped from this experience and wanted to hit the bud again to take away those feelings of rape and I followed my intuition and decided that it was more than likely just going to be a long night and that I would have to ride out the emotional and spiritual crash and truth be told, I still feel a bit changed by the experience and not for the better.
Only two good things came out of the marijuana smoking experience for me, two things that I learned that were important.
1. Getting high brought forward all of the stuff I have put on the shelf for some rest and relaxation this week, stuff that I will have to pick up and work on some more when I come back from my spiritual sabbatical. I find it interesting how those things weren't bothering me much until I chose to smoke the green monster and much like the monster it is, it devoured me.
2. The temporary numbing of emotions was nice and it depends on what point of view you look at it from, allow me to explain.
If you come at the world as an idealist and can see that image of reality in the world, if truth and reality were married then I would say smoking weed is pointless and more harmful than good. In the real world in which our insipid species has created that 30 minutes of feeling nothing can be a "godsend" and a much needed break for many and while I feel a bit embarrassed and ashamed by my decision to walk a weaker path in the moment I decided to smoke, I felt exhausted from all of the shit this year and was curious if there would be any benefit. So to the credit of drug addicts and in this case the ones that smoke pot I can understand the need for escape, I too live in the same shitty world that they live in and I too see the same daily problems that go on and while I feel as helpless to changing the world as the next guy I'm not interested in taking steps away from positive change and assisting the evil powers that be in gaining more power which is exactly what someone does when they numb their spiritual senses and emotions and cloud up their intellect, ability to reason and mental capacity.
Many have told me marijuana makes them "more creative". I find it sad that people need to trip or escape in order to bring forward their creativity and imagine the potential that lies within each and every one of our brilliant creators wearing the mask of a stoner. Pure creativity eclipses synthetic creativity every time. My creativity has always boomed in a natural experience, something made of a truly divine experience be it a beautiful sunset, standing on top of a mountain, a strenuous hike, making love with someone whom you share a deep spiritual connection, uncontrollable laughter with a good friend or simply just how pissed off I get when I see injustice and quickly realizing that *if* I am ever to make any *REAL* positive changes I will first and foremost need my Spirit and intuition intact coupled with my ability to think clearly and maintain emotional strength. Marijuana does not provide that reality. Working through karmic and spiritual crap to work on ascension does. It isn't easy and it isn't for those who want it to be and while I do understand the need for a little sabbatical once in a great while, I don't see any place for getting high on weed on my white light path.
One last thing. Many have asked me over the years my opinion of which is worse between marijuana and alcohol and I always leaned toward alcohol(and probably because of how my fathers alcoholism affected my childhood). However, after getting high the other day and observing pot smoking for the better part of 10 years now I would say they are both on the same level in many ways. Different strokes for different folks. I have seen both make people angry, stupid, giggly, sad and numbed. The common factor is I have seen no benefit to engaging with either on a regular basis. Alcohol is more annoying in the fact that it's embraced as an acceptable drug and instead of going within people go to the bar to get drunk and "have a good time"(what an annoying and inaccurate statement to associate with drinking). Marijuana is more annoying in the fact that many potheads seem to think it's a "natural all healing herb" and while it has many good uses outside of being smoked and even on occasion some good uses being smoked, for the most part it is an addictive drug and limits your ability to push yourself far beyond your restrictive thinking while coupled with logic and intuition.
Get high on a sunset, laughter with a friend or sharing a loving experience with your partner. Truly live a little before you die.
Written: Denver, Colorado 2011
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