Deliverance in Denver

I arrived in Denver safely last night after driving for about 12 hours and being up for over 30 hours. It was nice to get some sleep needless to say.

Anytime Ken and I get in the same space we seem to create a catalyst for change with one another. After all it was meeting Ken a little over 3 years in the Badlands of South Dakota on my first day ever traveling West that lead to me adding a ton of other stops and National Parks to what was supposed to be a fairly short ride to my destination in Sedona. I was also one of the last people in America Ken saw before he went to South Korea for a year and I was the first person to see him when he arrived at LAX Airport in Los Angeles in early March this year. Now I sit on the couch in his apartment that he shares with Mike(whom I also met in South Dakota with Ken in 2008)after engaging in another wonderful discussion with Ken about life on both spiritual and worldly levels. We have shared much with one another over the past 3 years and always seem to end up having epiphanies when around one another and even though we don't usually stay around one another very long the epiphanies are huge and the fun of discovering them is always pivotal, for both of us!

So here I sit, the nature loving van traveler who doesn't drink or get lit in the middle of one of America's major cities in a neighborhood that resembles the place I hated living for the past 8 years in it's appearance but not in it's energy after a long night of hanging out while watching my friends indulge in the vices that I choose not to partake in on a normal basis and find myself feeling okay with all that is around me. I've spent the better part of this year wandering around lost and it's nice to finally settle into a place where I can enjoy an amaretto and milk with some friends, who knows maybe I'll hit the green monster before I leave? Stranger things have happened!

I asked the Universe to send me into chill mode for a while. All of this spiritual intensity since last September has been..well..intense! It has had GREAT intensity both in incredibly enjoyful ways and also in some of the most painful..I need to chiiiiiilllll for a bit! The great thing about Ken and Mike is that they are both also travelers and we are all from different parts of the country. Both Ken and Mike are college graduates and current college students as well, it's nice to see college students going to school to meet the means to an end, that's a rare breed of college folk for me to encounter and from knowing Ken and how passionate he is about his philanthropy and humanity he will make an excellent teacher(even though he already IS a teacher, even if not by American school system standards).

My thoughts of Sara were to a minimal today which is showing really good progess in my recovery, which is also something I asked for along with LOTS OF MONEY and some spiritual relaxation! Amongst all of the turmoil in my life the past few years I forgot one of the greatest parts of being a traveler and free spirit...to enjoy getting fucked up with my friends and reminisce old memories and also share new ones. I asked God to let me be 24 for a while again, to turn off much of the philosophical shit so I can take a breather and regroup.

Here's the cycle I basically find myself in and Ken and I were discussing this tonight...

1. I'm a passionate, deep, caring, kind and loving soul that feels energies intensely both for better and for worse.

2. I see and FEEL the potential of every single one of us on this earth as I encounter more and more people.

3. I watch some people who give up, some people who are oblivious and I see the evil in the world.

4. I get incredibly hurt by people wasting their potential and all of the crazy things they do.

5. I become afraid that people will never break away.

6. I slip into rage or deep sadness and take it all in.

7. I essentially become the people that I feel helpless to.


This is the cycle, this is what happens and this is what needs to be unlearned and reprogrammed cause no one can ever be sick enough to make someone healthy nor can anyone be poor enough to enrich another. It is good that I notice this cycle however, which is the blessing in it's disguise and will later be fuel for the fire.

Ken has been a real inspiration to me over the years. He has accomplished a lot more than me from 2009 til now because of one key difference, positivity.

I have watched Ken get negative and stress about things before but he finds a way to move on from those feelings instead of living in them like I had chose to do for the past few years, he is one of the most optimistic people I have met and has a huge heart, he is one of the most selfless people I know and has lived/worked/spent time in places with incredible poverty such as Africa, Mexico, China and probably about 20 other countries that struggle and within them all he finds that doing good work is rewarding...something that I only know from experience on occasion and mostly never get to because I'm too busy being hurt by the chaos that nothing ever gets done.

So what have I learned this year, in part?

Roz has helped me *see* with my intuitive eyes to know what I'm experiencing and has encouraged through teaching ways to achieve balance and keeping it on both sides of the logical and intuitive, the spiritual and worldly. She has also helped me sharpen and embrace my psychic and intuitive abilities and gifts allowing me to be comfortable with embracing my true nature and who I really am....a "fortune teller" haha =:P

Sara has helped show me that I could love somebody without allowing my dark side to get out of control with that person and take it out on them no matter how tempting the darkness was to give over to during difficult times with that person or in reaction to some of the things they had done to me. Being involved with her and the results of her decision has also shown me that no matter what happens, falling into a near complete state of collapse will never be an option again, ever. I also learned just how capable I was of allowing my own intimacy to shine through, to allow myself to learn to love without restraint.

Angela has shown me how to love from a distance, to drop the right words or actions right when it's needed but being able to keep the boundaries and let the person work their own stuff out, *especially* in the darkest hour. To really only interfere if the person asks for intervention(which I rarely do, I'm a stubborn ass I admit! lol). She has also allowed me the opportunity to feel worthiness in ways that I feel like I'm doing something valuable for another person instead of being pigeon holed to doing something that feels meaningless. I was also challenged to keep the darkness stitched up when around her children or in her environment as much as possible in attempt to minimalize the toxicity of exposing those energies.

Trish has reminded me time and time again of what it's like to have a shoulder to lean on for a decade now and has kept the truth alive in knowing that even though in the 10 years we've known each other we've yet to meet in person(it's coming!)it shows the strength and love of a connection between two people that basically grew up together on the phone and online as young teenagers in this digital age. She's been there for the break ups and every other thing, this year was no different. It can be very healing when you're in a dark place to be able to tell a female friend of yours you'd like to drive out to Pennsylvania just to get a blowjob and have your way with them and laugh about it knowing the comfort of the connection. ;)

Scott has shown me what a true friend does for another true friend. He sold me a cheap car that he could have profited on so I could drive out West(save a ton of gas money with the 4 cylinder)and begin to live this dream. Refusing to take any commission or extra money. He reminded me of what one person does to help another in a less fortunate circumstance, even when their own finances or time may be maxed out.

My step-father Ed has spent countless hours on the phone with me during my break up and all of the bumps along this ride that I have decided to take(at least partially)and even the parts that I didn't decide to take but had to anyways. Listening to every bit of rage, hurt, hope and loss I had to express.

My mother has loved me and been in my corner since day one, nothing has changed about that this year. The best thing she did for me this year was dedicate Rod Stewarts "Forever Young" to me when I left Illinois. The song has always meant so much but means so much more. Her encouragement for me to never grow old is a motivation and in many ways she has shown me to what level I will allow my selfishness to go. She is always the first person that comes to mind this year when the suicidal thoughts have bled in. After all she's given me, how dare I take away a huge love from her.

The road and my van have both shown me some form of purity and in many ways has given me the experience I wanted, only under different circumstances than I wanted.

Ken and I haven't conversed much this year on the phone and only met up twice but I can already feel a form of deliverance in Denver by being here and it has to do with him being a catalyst for me. Being a supportive and upbeat friend and tolerant of my own growth.

I have been shown generosity and kindness from other people this year which include Andy, Suzan, Kris, Janis, Mike and others whom I don't even know. It has been sobering.

A quick story I shared with Ken tonight. In March when I was in Phoenix visiting Sara we were riding in her car back from a birthday party I was sharing with her how the energy of the city and Phoenix was starting to get to me and how I found God and Spirit in the mountains, rivers and trees. She responded in agreement but also said something I found rather profound "I also find God in every single person I meet". That statement shook me to the core but I had always felt that amongst a few of my close loved ones everyone else was the source of this pain I felt, everyone's stupidity enraged, saddened and angered me. What her comment triggered in retrospect is that very sentence shows that if I look deep enough, I can find the potential within the other and then it's my job to find a way to bring it forward, if I am unsuccessful due to their resistance that is not what's important. What is important is that I did my job as a human being, I made the effort and attempt. As a perfectionist I have always been hard on myself. This year I am learning to own something that I have always known deep in my soul and would say it out loud "I'm a good person". But it wasn't until early 2011 that I was even able to feel like that was true about myself but I have to say, the times they are 'a changin!

I came blazing out to California earlier this year full of passion, fire and a confidence that I hadn't yet experienced but still very bullheaded. I shared that passion, fire and confidence with Sara and when I left the Valley of the Sun, I also left my sunshine there and that passion, fire and confidence stayed with her, which looking back isn't the worst thing, if it helped her then great but the lesson learned is I cannot cut my own throat again in the process.

I feel like I was delivered unto Denver and that whatever happens from this step will be a huge one. It's taken me a lifetime to realize and this has been the year to get comfortable with all of the realizations and actualize.

I feel like sometime near the end of this year and the beginning of the next I will be ready to go deep into dark places. Only I will no longer be a resident, I will be the guy who used to live there that wants to show his old neighbors that when it comes to singing the song that was meant for you, the grass will always be greener on the other side.

It's like standing up to the schoolyard bully and owning your power, once you do it you refuse to be bullied again.

When I channel into later this year and early next year and see myself lighting up the darkness it won't be much different than what I've been doing and working on little by little this year. After all, I have been shining the light on all of the dark corners within, even if the hand holding the flashlight trembles in fear.

The only difference I see in my intuitive mind is that my hand holding the flashlight is no longer shaking because I am no longer afraid of the dark and when that happens the only fear I have is going to be for the darkness itself because there will be no place for it to hide when I shine the light of truth upon it. The Light that knows no fear, that knows it is protected, the kind of light that pours in after the dark night of the soul has passed..the right of passage has been passed. The Light that delivers the soul into a new paradigm of living the true integrity and that paradigm is called freedom and faith.

Only then will I TRULY be a Free Spirit. =:)

-Zachary Hill 2011(C)

Written: Denver, Colorado 2011