Dancing In September

I had a conversation with myself today and I received answers from all of my layers of being.

My body told me "What are you doing to me? I've been telling you I need high octane fuel to function as I once did for you when you ran around for hours as a little child during the late summer. You've done this before, you will do it again." and the junk food cravings disappeared.

My emotions told me "You have had your fair share of suffering, sensitivities and devastation. You've endured abandonment as a young child, suicidal tendencies as a teenager, rage and loss as a young man in his 20's. You are learning to channel these feelings more effectively as you near the end of your darkest hour. You have always wanted to feel the wonders of lifes beauty and love, you had to experience both sides of the coin to truly cherish and understand both." and gratitude washed over me as tears of joy with a giant smile played across my face.

My mind told me "You have thought much with me, you have analyzed and put me outside the box much like the way you were born. You have used me to calculate whatever it is you have wanted to figure out over the years. You are learning my strengths and how to block my vulnerabilities to the darkness out." and the analyzing negative thoughts vanished.

My spirit told me "Though I have always been there, the driving force of your being it wasn't until a young 20 year old in 2007 decided to step away from the path of the norm and start the self discovery that it really had begun. With you I have carried you through your lightest moments that were sometimes so bright they were blinding as I also carried you through your darkest nights and hours, I cradled you as best I could when the rain poured down. You now see where your personal power lies and what potential it has." and my soul felt washed clean.

My heart told me "You were born with an enlarged heart and it has also carried over into your spiritual heart. You have the heart of a lion married to the fiery passion of a tiger. I have always remained true to you no matter what the odds, I have been the driving force of your light, love and happiness and what you have to share with the world." and for the first time I knew my heart was never blackened.

My angels told me "You are almost there and you are ready to put on "the last suit you will ever wear" and though life will have it challenges you are ready to own your personal power and use it for the best, all you have to do is step up and accept your place in the circle of life." and I stepped up and claimed what was mine.

God told me "The road has been treacherous, the odds not fair, the pain nearly unbearable, the loss major. But because you sacrificed so much(even against your own will or desire)you have earned the experiences of gratitude, acceptance and understanding. Another great experience you have embraced that I offer.."And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it find's you worthy, directs your course."" and I shed a tear of loving gratitude to a Universe that offers such wonderful power and experiences to be had, no matter what darkness has come with it.

And I, I told myself "Here you are, it took some time but you've made it. You finally found yourself. What is next? What darkness will I light up? What lies ahead? Thank You...THANK YOU!"



I would like to speak a little about the month of September.

September has always been my favorite month for many reasons. On one hand I love the feeling that connects the most exciting and gorgeous season of summer with the beautiful gloomy serenade of reflection that comes with the autumn. For the last two weeks of September during the "Indian Summer" I always feel at home, always.

The weather is usually always my favorite in September and the energetic shifts are always HUGE.

In 2007 I took my first vacation by myself to Wisconsin where the little spark of travel and self exploration began.
In 2008 I arrived and stayed the month of September in Sedona, Arizona with Roz.
In 2009 I went to the Rockies and Badlands with Scott on a "business trip"(if you could call it that!!) where we shared our bonding experience, that week I met Sara and a few days later I started dating Heidi.
In 2010 I had my affair with Allison and hit rock bottom and decided to get on the white light path and fix my life this time and took a huge leap of faith that lead to me moving out West and starting the life I had always dreamt of.
In 2011 I..........???? WE WILL SEE!!!

I listen to the song "September" by Daughtry on repeat as I write this entry as I feel myself swirling in a world of gratitude. I see a lot of huge events taking place this September with my intuitive mind's eye. A hatchet that has been 24 years in the process of being buried, a hopeful re-connection with my biological father after a 9 year absence. A releasing of my van dream that I can say I WENT OUT AND MADE HAPPEN! to free up energy for the next exciting thing. A huge *KNOWING* that everything will be alright. The huge leap of faith that is coming up, only this time I don't feel like I have to hit rock bottom to take it, just close to rock bottom ;P

Roz and I were discussing when we thought this craziness that went off the charts in September 2010 would calm down and we both bet somewhere around Sept/Oct 2011. Later, in April 2011 when I arrived at Angela's place on the island she was feeling a shift for me sometime 6 months or so later, which would put me around October. So let's see...

This year alone so far I have lived in many different places from the flat corn fields of Illinois to the beautiful mountaintops of California, to the sandy valley deserts of Arizona, to the cool rainy island of Washington state, back to the beautiful mountaintops of California, to the high desert of Arizona, to the place where the great plains meet the rocky mountains in Colorado and who know's where the next place will be!!!(I have an idea though).

This year alone I have moved out of my parents house and left the nest. Said goodbye to an old friend. Confronted my unresolved issues and childhood feelings about everything, especially my dad. Fell deeply in love with the girl I was partnered up for to light the world up as a team. Lost my partner to her own dark decisions. Danced with feelings of complete devastation, loss and suicide. Did my best to keep on the white light path and managed to handle myself better than I would have done so in previous experiences.

I have walked through my darkest hour/dark night of the soul much like a person walking down a dark hallway that seems to have no light at the end, I have been affected and I have been beaten and bruised but now I see the sun shining through.

But truth be told one of the biggest treasures I discovered deepest this year and the thing I am the most grateful for is my family, both those whom I still speak with and those I currently do not speak with at the moment. Even in all of my darkest moments this year where I lost my faith and gratitude I never lost my gratitude for my loved ones. Even when the traveling was no longer fulfilling, when the sunsets no longer brought tears of joy to my eyes, when places like Sedona no longer held their beauty it was ALL OF YOU that kept me going. People are the nectar of life, I realized this year that without those I love, all of the sunsets, traveling, mountains and beautiful places would not be. I learned...that THIS is what I'M fighting FOR!!!! So each and every soul that graces this GORGEOUS planet we inhabit has a chance to cry at the sight of a beautiful sunset, so their hearts can melt the first time they drive into a mountain range or onto the great plains, so their souls can know life the first time they look deep into the eyes of another as they see themselves reflecting in the eyes of their love, so they can laugh and act silly with friends, so they can hike up mountains and swim in oceans, lakes and ponds. So they can experience all of the beautiful light out Universe has to offer and so they can go through any darkness that may make the light that much brighter when they pull through.

For the first time in as long as I can remember, I now know why I haven't decided to leave this place early. I KNOW what I'm LIVING for and not wondering why I'm living just to die. I have said many thank yous this year and since I enjoy celebration I'm going to do so again, this time it pieces together a bit more. The following folks have made a huge difference in my life in general, over the years but ESPECIALLY this year in some major form or another. Here's a list that is done in a somewhat random order.

Mom - You birthed and raised me. You put up with all of my crap for 24 years and the least I can say is THANK YOU!!! I couldn't have asked for a better person to teach me about a parents love and the lengths that a person goes to to love their child. We've fought many times and many times for the wrong reasons but when it's all said and done all that matters is that in retrospect, you have fulfilled my expectations of what I wanted in a mother. Love, compassion, support, friendship and concern. Don't think your job is done yet though, you better stay around for at least another 50 years! I Love You <3

Dad - It's unlikely my father will read this, he never struck me as the type to own a computer but a lot can change in 9 years I'd imagine. You showed me a lot of how to conduct myself as an adult by showing me what not to do when raising a child but you know what? When it's all said and done I'm done carrying around the burden of being unforgiven. You did your best and how did I know this? The times that you cried and asked yourself why you acted in such a way towards me as a young child, I asked those same questions when I repeated similar behaviors with loved ones as a teenager and young 20 year old, I know your heart is genuine and that you lost your way. Rather than condemn you as I have done for so long I now pray for you and ask myself for forgiveness both for your choices and for my choice to not be in touch for nearly a decade. Without you I wouldn't be here. Without you I wouldn't have all of my characteristics and while I still long for your acceptance and to have not grown up in a broken home, the best I can do is use the lessons I learned to help prevent the darkness from taking hold of other people, as it once did you and I. Thank you for taking me all over the eastern United States, at a young age I saw how large the outer world was. A beautiful gratitude washes over me that brings tears to my eyes as my hatred and resentment towards you begins to disolve. I Love You =:)

Ed - When I was 14 back in 2002 I told the Universe(in which I didn't believe in much at the time) "If you don't have something for me soon, I'm gone." and I was dead serious. You showed up at the right time and provided the fatherly figure I had longed for for so long. You brought great joy to my mother and in so many ways healed the connection between us. It was easy to befriend one another..anybody I could talk to openly about how I wanted to kill someone in detail during my dark twisted moments that could relate to me was a good place to find common ground lol! Over the years I have come to you for many many many suggestions, advice and guidance. You're the father I always wanted, one of my best friends and the brother I never had all wrapped in one. You've never abandoned me and that has meant more to me than anything a elder male in my life could ever offer. I Love You.

Heidi - Another person whom I don't think will be reading this, at least for now(something says some time down the line, perhaps). You're the first person whom ever loved and believed in me even as I spiraled down the dark path. The beginning of our time together was great and the second half was a wonderful friendship. I've never seen such devotion and belief put in my direction from a romantic partner. I did not know how to receive your love in a healthy way at that time and it took the parting of our ways for me to realize that. I promise that your effort and time spent with me will not be in vain for I will use my experiences and lessons learned to light this place up! You showed me how to love my perceived enemy. I Love You.

Sara - I highly doubt she will be reading this anytime sooner either. When I looked deep into your eyes in the tent in Joshua Tree that night under the full moon and spoke without hesitation for the first time what was rushing through my body I instantly saw the light in the dark. Everything pulled together and made sense for a few moments in time. I saw my reflection in your mirror both in your eyes and in your soul. Your departure from my life during this year has been one of the most motivating factors and one of the most uncovering layers of my lifes purpose. You and I shared so much in common down to a T and for me one of the most important besides our passions and lifes purpose was our childhood connection. My father lost himself in the darkness from his childhood, I lost myself in the darkness of my childhood and you lost yourself in the darkness of your childhood. I lost a parent who was supposed to teach me how to be a man and a loving being, I lost myself trying to learn that for myself as a young child and young man and I lost my life partner whom I was put together with to light up the world all for the same reasons and it's because of the darkness that binds and feeds off of peoples childhood traumas that I feel motivated to involve myself with the love, understanding and acceptance process with children and adults in the aftermath. I also learned just how much I could allow myself to love another and I believe in you and that next time the right opportunity presents itself, I pray you'll let it wash over you entirely. I envision a world where I wish you nothing but the best and as I type this I reflect in gratitude. I Love You. =:*

Scott - You took me under your wing and showed me some of the ropes in business that will later provide me and my family with food on the table. I now know I didn't buy the white Dodge van to head west in but rather to be introduced to your friendship. I appreciate all of the time you took to show me the in's and out's of automobiles and time that you took to entertain all of our failed business ventures(we WILL land the right one when the time is right and it'll be big bucks for us! $$$). I am grateful especially though for your support in late 2010 and early 2011 by letting me borrow vehicles to drive for the last 6 months I was in Illinois, for giving me something to do, for being a listening ear when I made my bad relationship choices, for selling me the Ford Escort for so cheap and refusing to take my money for your profit cut. The Escort you sold me is and will always be the car I left "the nest" and moved out to the Wild West on my own in to grow up. I am thankful for your mechanical help this year also since I've been out west with both my Escort and van troubles. I Love You.

Kris - What can I say? We started out a few years back in rough waters but as we started to grow up we saw more connection in one another. I'm grateful for your ear, suggestions and introspection last fall all the way up to the time I left for Cali in January. Your similar situation in life helped me realized I wasn't the only one crawling in the dark searching for answers. I can't wait to visit you in Virginia!! I Love You.

Trish - One of my oldest friends WHOM I'VE YET TO MEET! You have no idea how much I considered going to the airport tonight and flying my ass to Pennsylvania just to SEE you!! Trish, you've been there through it all..well just about. Every girlfriend I've ever had(except 1 of them!), you knew me as a 14 year old and now as a 24 year old and for all the nights we stayed up online and on the phone til the sun came out I am forever grateful. I am putting it on my "to do" list to make it out to Pennsylvania(since you won't move to Arizona! >:O)before the end of next year. You're the last true friend I have yet to meet in person and I would like to see you before we enter our 30's! You kept me alive many nights when I was in my first dark hour at the age of 14, your ear was huge this spring on the phone while I paced around the island chatting about all of my Sara heartaches. Though your taste in music still sucks 10 years later I Love You none the less, some things never change.

Ken - I'm sitting on your couch typing this, kind've strange. Since we met in the Badlands it's been quite the trip! You have challenged me a lot in the past few years as we both bonded. It's strange to see you getting ready to do the whole professional deal. When I look at pictures of us from a few years back we look like young kids, now we look like older kids. You've always been generous to me and kept positive with me. Your optimism is rather incredible and you're an inspiration to me when I see you getting shit done cause you don't have time to stop and interact with the dark energy very often. I Love You.

Angela - You always had the right email responses over the past few years that made my day and now this year during my most devastating of dark times you invite me to stay on your land on the magical little island. The whole spring I had my faith tested and lost it at times thinking the Universe was shitting on me, meanwhile I didn't take the time to really embrace the fact that I was sent to your light because I needed it. It took someone as kind, sweet and light-filled as you to help anchor my darkness as it resurfaced hard in the wake of my break up with Sara. I always try to find the right words to say to express my gratitude and feelings toward your spirit but unlike others I'm grateful to I always find myself feeling like the words aren't great enough. Maybe it's because I feel like your loving kindness saved my life during a time where I wasn't sure I had much life left in me? Maybe it's because you took in a semi-stranger on a rainy cold night(both outside and inside my soul)? Maybe it's because the way your interact with your daughters is a huge inspiration to me for when I become a parent(I think you could teach parenting classes, believe me I've seen enough broken homes and divorced parents and yours is the only one I don't feel to be broken)? Maybe it's because spending time with you on the rock felt like hanging out with someone who understood me and where I was at in my life? Maybe it's because I met a fellow psychic and was able to talk openly about the other dimensions and 6th sensory world without it feeling like a foreign language? Maybe it's because I have felt you to be my mother, sister and friend at different times and sometimes all at once(who knows what past life connections we share?)? Maybe it's because I know my mother is grateful for your generosity for taking her son in when he was 2000+ miles away from home and many more miles away from his home within himself during this dark night? Whatever it may be, I'm sure I'll be able to express it properly sometime over the years, I've got time. I Love You. <3 =:)

Roz - Wax on, wax off! ;) My mentor on so many levels. The first person I called for guidance when I made the darkest choice of my life last September. You extending your home to me at the end of last year was a godsend as it was when you shared your home with me three years ago. I do believe in so many ways I owe a large part of my spiritual, psychic and general development this past year to you. You helped awaken my gift and my calling and have taught me to become comfortable with it. You introduced me to so many things I didn't understand in the sixth sensory world from what a karmic relationship is to remote viewing to getting on other peoples frequency to most important of all following my intuition, feeling and heart. Throughout this year when I felt myself slipping in and out of darkness as I learn to let go of who I have been and the dark of where I came from turning to you with questions, for guidance and just being able to share a ton of laughs over the insanity and beauty of life has been priceless. Your guidance, love, support, input and teachings of life have been priceless as well but especially in regards to issues with my father and childhood and all of the stuff involving Heidi, Allison and Sara. I feel in many ways had I not met you I would possibly still be stuck in my hell in Illinois which would have ultimately lead to my incarceration, death and probably the destruction of the lives of many others, especially those closest to me. Just like when I was called/sent to Angela's this spring during the biggest shock done to me by another of my adult life the Universe and my angels provided for me and cradled me when I landed on your doorstep this winter shortly after the biggest shock I did to someone else of my adult life. The Light knew all three times it sent me to your house over the past few years and when it sent me to Angie's that I was desperately in need of a powerful light-worker to help lift me through mature love. I look at you as a seasoned warrior fighting the fight for the Light. I connect so well with you in this life because we both know the darkness intimately and how it's capable of using us if we handed our power over to it. I feel like I'm in Psychic College 101 when were together or on the phone and I love it! I am forever grateful for the gifts you have helped awaken in me and for all the time you have taken over the years, but especially this past year to do all of the cool spiritual stuff you have done, for providing me with countless laughs and for watching my back by slaying the demons that I am still learning how to see for myself. Takes time to grow eyes in the back of my head! On a side note I'm also grateful for you providing me the place(s) to stay to become intimate with two of my absolute favorite places I've ever lived/been, southeast California and central Arizona. I Love You <3 =:)

I never get tired of saying my thank you's and I love you's to all of YOU! It is however going on 6AM and I do get tired of being up all night soooo on that note. GOOD NIGHT!

Thank You all again, hope you enjoy this entry!

Love,

-Zachary =:) <3


Written: Denver, Colorado 2011