The Van-Dweller: A Journey of Purification

In 2008 it became a dream and in 2011 it became a reality. What is it???

It's Zac the "Van Dweller".

After I returned from my life changing "West Coast Journey" in 2008 it didn't take long for me to pick up the idea of a mobile lifestyle. I started by buying a bunch of books on RVing and educating myself on traveling in a vehicle. As I rolled into 2009 I became obsessed with material minimalism(and still am today!)and the idea of living in a small environment that allowed me the freedom to go wherever I wanted whenever I wanted therefore I ditched the RV idea and decided to embrace the idea of living in a van(and no, not down by the river!).

In 2009 I decided to pursue the first part of the van dream after doing much research I decided I wanted an extended passenger window van. I bought a 2000 Dodge Ram 3500 15 passenger van and gutted the back seats leaving me with plenty of cargo space. I wanted a Ford but settled for a Dodge. I had the van for exactly one year to the day and only ended up taking it to Michigan once for a camping trip. The timing wasn't right nor was the van. I kept it for a lot longer than I probably should have out of fear that something else would never come along...

Fast forward to 2011 and here I am again. After selling the passenger van I realized that I enjoyed the length but wanted something with a high top plus full amenities. Upon moving out west and staying with a friend at the beginning of 2011 I decided yet again to settle for less than I wanted. I bought a 1990 Dodge Ram 250 conversion high top van with a bed in the back, a closet and shelving. It didn't have the extra 4 feet I wanted or the amenities but it provided me with an adventure none the less.

I'm still soaking up the fact that the van lifestyle was once a dream, then a goal, then a possibility, then a fresh exciting reality, then a tired and ready for a change reality and finally arriving at a past experience that I'm glad I had.

Moving into a van and heading West was deeply rooted into my every decision and ambition throughout late 2008, all of 2009 and 2010 however when 2011 rolled around there was a huge game changer involved. The game changer came with beautiful blue eyes and a wonderful personality and even though I told myself I wouldn't put the van thing on the shelf for another girl(and to my credit I didn't!)I knew it wouldn't be more than a few months at best before I fell away from it but at that point I just felt the need to see my dream to completion and give it a fair run. I eventually saw myself transitioning into an RV with this blue eyed love of mine and possibly a stationary place to spend a part of the year as well.

I was as excited as a pig in shit(don't know how excited they really are but this saying is used a lot!)thinking about all of the places I'd travel across the USA and Canada and all of the jobs I would take and how I'd be a lone ranger. The only thing that made it sweeter was having a new partner in crime and though I never saw us living in the 1990 Dodge Ram together I did see this as a transition phase. What I swore up and down I'd do for the rest of my life in 2010(that being living in a van)quickly became a secondary thing and just something I wanted to do for a little while to satisfy the curiosity of the lifestyle. I spent my first night living full time in the van in Quartzsite, Arizona(even though I'd camped in it both alone and with my girlfriend a few times prior)I thought Quartzsite would be appropriate since I was heading from Big Bear Lake, CA to Phoenix, AZ(to see my girlfriend where she was staying)and Quartzsite was not only inbetween but also the snowbird capital for van folks so I figure I'd pay my respects. I rolled into Phoenix where I spent the next 2 weeks fairly content in my new lifestyle, I found it exciting and exhilarating even though I was living in a major city that I didn't really like. What can I say? I was in love. When the end of March 2011 rolled in and a surprise break up came literally over night I didn't know what to do but I did know that I wasn't going to sell my van to stay in Phoenix and be unhappy, at that point it wasn't like I was given that option with her anyways. From that day on the dream of living in a van became a nightmare, for a while I blamed the van for the reason things turned out the way they did but I later realized two important things..

1. If you don't like my lifestyle choice, there's the door

2. I would have been unhappy anyways, getting your heart broken hurts no matter what your lifestyle or other events going on in your life may be

It was never the same after that, the once cool Dodge conversion van with airhorns on the roof, buddha statues on the dashboard and a classy wooden steering wheel quickly became a prison on wheels. I thought of how this all "happened at the wrong time"(though in retrospect it was spot on)and how the van had been tainted because of the camping trips we had taken and some of the time we had spent in and around it together. I never fully recovered from that with this particular van. I now look back and realize that traveling has been my way and the Universes way of giving me my awakening and clearing my karma so I can ascend. I moved West because I love the mountains, forests, ocean and deserts but more importantly most of my soul family lives out there, people I love. My desire to live in a van lead me to meeting my friend Scott(whom I bought my first van from)which lead to a trip we took together to the Rockies in late August/early September 2009(almost 2 years ago to the day!)which lead to me meeting Sara who is the blue eyed girl I mentioned earlier which lead me subconsciously back west in 2011 to Monument Valley and Sedona(again). My hatred for cops was right up there with wanting to live in a van throughout 2009 so the Universe gave me a relationship during the exact same week with a girl named Heidi who later became a cop in Illinois. All of my hate opened the channel for dark temptations of my first conscious karmic relationship(though I didn't know it was karmic til after it had started!)which ended up being an affair I had with a girl named Allison. My affair with Allison forced me to look deep within myself and the path I was on and had been taking, I had caused a devastating blow to someone who loved me during the time they were beginning their dream of being a cop, I had become further confused by behavior I swore I'd never do and the situation didn't exactly help my accomplice in the affair. The affair took place almost one year ago in September 2010 and it was what launched me to not only look within but to finally head west and live my dream.

In January 2011 I headed west following my guidance. Two things I heard loud and clear in Arizona that month. "Go to Sedona and see Sara" was the first in Monument Valley and the second was "It's time" while looking at a van that looked just like my first van in Quartzsite during the RV show. I followed my guidance on both and both were great for a while and served their purpose.

I look back and realize in retrospect that my burning desire to live and travel mainly in the west in a van was driven by my desire for freedom and love of simplicity and the Universe found a way to incorporate my life lessons and karmic dealings into the mix for which as I look back, I am thankful. It became clear in late February that the van desire was only to lead me to Sara essentially and whatever lessons lay ahead. When Sara left the passion to travel in a van went and never returned however on the other side being driven by trying to figure out my life and go deeper within myself to try and understand became a journey of purification in the van. I was able to go to the places I needed while trying out the lifestyle I wanted to experience for over 2 years. I was called up to Washington State to San Juan Island to visit someone I only knew from the internet but quickly connected with, someone who set many examples for me and lifted me during a great time of need. I spent 3 months there with the exception of a few day trip to British Columbia. I stayed all of spring and the beginning of summer. I lived in the van, showered at the boat dock, did laundry at the laundromat, I received the nature-based van experience I wanted after already having the city based experience in Phoenix the month before. When I left Angela's at the end of June I dubbed my next adventure the "Faith & Gasoline Tour 2011" seeing as to how I figured at that point it'd take a lot of both to see what was next. Upon arriving back on the mainland of Washington I headed down to the Rainbow Gathering in the Gifford Pinchot National Forest to see what the rainbow family/hippies were up to. While it was quite an experience it really wasn't my cup of tea so I headed down the Oregon 101 coast that I had always wanted to check out. I noticed though that no matter how beautiful the scenery of the Oregon coast I still missed Sara deeply and traveling alone went from a dream, to a happy reality to a nightmare come to life. I loathed the van and the current situation I found myself in. I helter skeltered it down to Redding California after a few days where I spent my official last night in the van in 80 degree weather this was sometime around July 6th 2011. The next day I stayed at a hotel in Buttonwillow, CA by Bakersfield where it was too hot to sleep in the van. I was heading north in the late winter and south in the mid summer and doing everything backwards from how I had always planned. I arrived the following morning back in Big Bear Lake to see my friend Roz and get my energy straightened a bit by good loving company, fresh mountain lake water to drink and the energy of the part of California I now call home, San Bernardino County. I spent some time at Roz' and felt the need to return to Arizona so I could leave my "home state"(Arizona still felt like home for over 2 years at that point)on my own accord and with my personal power. I headed down yet again towards Phoenix in my van during the middle of July. I made my stops both that night and the following morning(I slept in Motel 6 since it was 103 at night!)and I asked the Universe to cross my path with Sara if I was meant to see her for closure, otherwise lead me to the places I need to go and tell me when to leave. I did not see her though I was close by but what I did get was a chance to put some rest to my time in Phoenix and leave with some of my personal power this time. I went up to Sedona and Flagstaff where I decided to rent a cheap hotel room for the week in Flagstaff and yet again not sleep in the van. I went to Sedona on a daily basis for the week and a trip to Jerome/Prescott and found that while it was a nice trip, it wasn't home. Arizona had lost some of it's appeal to me and I found it interesting that while it was my favorite state and where I always called home since 2008 it was almost as if when I left Sara in the Valley of the Sun in late March 2010 that I left my love for Arizona there as well. Sedona was still powerful and gorgeous and is still my top vacation spot(or a "home away from home")but it no longer held the appeal of a place I'd want to live like the high desert of California now does. I decided near the end of my week in Flagstaff that there was nothing going on there for me so I decided to contact my friend Ken in Denver Colorado and drive straight up there heading back through Monument Valley where I took my last photos with the van and also my best. I guess my vans final trip was it's finest hour to be photogenic. I did not hear anything this time while in Monument Valley and while it was still beautiful, the burning need to be there had died down since it's purpose was fulfilled earlier in 2011. I drove to Denver where I stayed for a month and in that month quickly came to the realization..


My money was running low and the van was getting roughly 10 MPG at best and gas was at least $3.25 a gallon. What I once felt was freedom had now become my bondage, the van that once set me free to roam around the world had now become a big hunk of steel that was falling apart and starting to cost me money. I rarely left my friends apartment because I felt paralyzed but I had faith that something would pull through. On a road trip to South Dakota(in my friends car)I kicked around the idea of moving up there for a few months with the van and selling it up there and seeing what would happen next. I *knew* I needed to sell the van and I knew I needed a large chunk of cash so I started to put my manifestation into work and asked the Universe to help me sell the van at the right time, send me a large chunk of money and don't let anyone die or get hurt for me to receive this inheritance of cash.

On Thursday August 18th 2011 at 2PM mountain time I was on my way to Boulder Colorado in the van to scope out a possible place I'd want to live when a guy in a 2005 Ford Escape rear ended me at 50 MPH doing not a whole lot of damage to the van but enough for me to get the insurance company to total it for a large amount of cash that I had asked for and you know what? No one was hurt! ;) Just like that the days of my va(n)gabonding had come to an end. I had gotten rid of the van to the insurance company, received the money I asked for and did so without injury to myself or any other.(I found out the guy that hit me had filed bankruptcy and was happy that his $4000 Ford Escape that he owed $8800 on still was totaled and he didn't have to pay for it, so we both lucked out!)

I cleaned my van out and stored some stuff at my friends apartment in Denver and then flew back to Chicago to visit my parents and help them move west in a few weeks(where I will pick up my stuff and visit with friends YET AGAIN! I am blessed). It still hasn't fully sunk in with how chaotic this year has been that something I dreamt of for over 2 years had become a reality and is now the past. This is my tribute, my gratitude, my mourning, my overwhelming thankfulness both to the Universe for providing me and to myself for having the guts and not listening to what others thought and making my van dwelling dream come true. I found something I wanted to do, I researched it, I analyzed it, I planned it, I asked for it, I received it and I am now learning to release it so the Universe can send me on my next great adventure.

Accomplishing something you feel called to do and that you want to do feels really good and knowing that I alone made the decision to make it happen but couldn't have made it as pleasant, easy or comforting without a little help from my friends ;)

In conclusion, the van dwelling/va(n)gabonding needed to be done to satisfy my soul and deliver me the messages to clear the karma and ascend. I now look forward to what's next with an overload of excitement but as I do I take a moment to tip my hat with a tear in my eye to both the 2000 Dodge window van and the 1990 Dodge conversion van but most of all to the wild wild west because without it's mountains, deserts, oceans and the people I love I would have never wanted to live this lifestyle. Taking the plates off the van in my friends Denver apartment parking lot was sad, I sat in it for about 15 minutes and thanked it for carrying me across the country this year, for being a place I could cry when I needed to, for being a place I could make love to another beautiful soul, for being a place I could sleep and be sheltered from Washington's rain or from California and Arizona's sunshine. I thanked the van and said goodbye for the simple fact that even if I ever decided to live in a van again(and it's always possible!)this will always be the first and burning experience and also one of the first things I ever saw through until it no longer made sense and why? Because I had passion, a burning desire and enough stubbornness to march to the beat of my own drum against all odds and the adversity of others, I was laughed at, called "outdated", stupid and numerous times I heard the joke about "living in a van down by the river" but the most important lesson I took away from this experience of living in the van is a lesson that I didn't learn until this year....

...I knew when to call it quits.

I thank all of the people who believed in me and didn't laugh at me or think I was stupid for wanting to live in a van. Each and every one of you know who you are and most of you live in a stationary home and while I was busy being hateful toward the people who didn't have wheels under their homes they were the ones who loved me even when I wanted to have wheels under mine and live "unconventionally", they also were the ones who opened their apartment and house doors to me when the turbulence of life became more than an issue of weather you are a traveler or settler, a va(n)gabond, apartment renter or home owner.

I thank my van for this journey of purification.

I thank the Universe and all of it's light for sending me to the right people, places and experiences during this time.

I thank myself for having the guts, vision and "outside the box" thinking ability to do this. I dreamt big and made it happen!!! =:)


"Dream big, Dare to fail" - Metallica

"If a man loses pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured, or far away." - from "Walden" by Henry David Thoreau

One last thing...for those of you who ask "Zac, will there be another van-journey? A round two?" my answer is simple. Though I don't see anything on the horizon for living in a van and I am certainly not opposed to doing it again(either out of choice or necessity)you never know. I am completely open to it if it feels right and I still have an interest in the van-community. If you wonder why I am interested in what van dwellers are still doing when I am no longer one of them I still consider myself to be one of them since I have lived the lifestyle...or maybe it's because all of us travelers need to stick together...yes that includes us RVers...oh dear..I've said too much ;)

You didn't really think I was going to be without a home on wheels did you??? ;P

STAY TUNED!!!

The Land of the Unconscious

A few observations have been made since my return to the land of the unconscious last night. These observations come in form of culture shock and the energy of the land and people.

Anybody who knows me well knows that I've never had any love for Joliet or Chicago or any part of Illinois or the midwest for that matter and guess what? Not much has changed about that with one small exception. It's worse than I remember it being but not as unbearable. I believe it's a testimony to my growth.

I spent the first 16 years of my life in the ghetto of Berwyn(a few miles outside of Chicago)and the following 8 years(minus travel)in Joliet. To say the least the majority of my life has been spent/wasted in Illinois.

My parents picked me up at Midway airport last night around 1030PM and immediately I noticed a few changes. I would like to break this down into sections of the four realms of the human experience with that being spiritual, physical, emotional and mental in regards to my observations of Joliet and this region in general.

SPIRITUAL:

On a spiritual level the energy here strikes me worse than ever although I am managing it better than I ever have. I feel a constant darkness and dark cloud following me wherever I go within this city. If energy could be seen with the five sensory eye I would be willing to bet the streets and open corn fields of this city would be radiating negativity like a blurred heat wave that comes off the blacktop on a hot summer day in the desert. Joliet doesn't get a piece of the cake when it comes to major suckage, it takes the whole fuckin' cake! From the constant buzzing that never stops anywhere I go to the horrible vibration and instant stress/intensity in the air and all around this place has one of the lowest vibrations of any place I have ever been. I have learned to repel this kind of stuff more so over the past year but I have to say that if I, or any other person in touch with their spirituality and their own personal energy were to live here for any length of time it would become very wearing. Since I've been here I've felt constantly tired(especially in the black hole that is my parents house), angsty, stressed and like I'm existing on auto pilot. A spiritual life in Joliet is about as vibrant and alive as a dead person buried six feet under. This town and region has no pulse but plenty of dark ugly things swimming in it's magnetic and energetic field.

PHYSICALLY:

What a shithole! It's humid summers are sticky and the winters are long and bitterly cold. The taxes are high and the scenery sucks. I notice now more than I ever have just how bad Joliet is to interact on a physical level with. The people are RUDE, negative, unhappy and something new I noticed they do not appear to be the most intelligent either. I thought back on this today and realized that over the years every person I have ever asked the following question to has never answered Illinois or Joliet.

"Where would you like to live?"

In California, Arizona, Colorado, Oregon, Washington state, etc most people seem to be happy if not nearly everybody with where they live be they transplants or natives to those places. I come to this hellhole and everyone I recall in the past and everyone I spoke with today wants to live somewhere else. Big surprise? I think not.

Joliet is a town that is trying too hard to fit in with all of the clicks. On the northwest side we have all of the yuppie khaki wearing fuckers in their cookie cutter houses with identical children and identical mini van's and sadly they don't pull off the yuppie thing quite as well as the folks in Colorado do. Colorado yuppies at least value nice scenery! The south side is full of rednecks and country bumpkins but they don't even do it as well as the folks in Arizona. Many are loud and obnoxious drunks/stoners and live in a small reality. The west side is mostly middle class full of raging angry blue collar men who were largely union tradesmen that have lost their jobs but they were just as pissed before as they are now. Their wives work in offices answering phones or at the local grocery store and I'd be hard pressed to find a pulse in these people. The east side is full of ghetto fuckers who are proud to be from "J-Town", they say J-Town as if it's some big fucking deal, I'd like to see them try to pull that shit in Chicago, they'd be picking their teeth up off the floor. The "minorities" in the western USA are overall pretty friendly and are pretty unfriendly here(which I forgot about). I spent the whole day around Joliet today going to various places and noticed an underlying current of misery and unconsciousness. Sad, truly sad. Did I mention warehouse after warehouse, shopping center after shopping center and chemical plant after chemical plant?

MENTALLY: Joliet will fuck with your mind if you're a sensitive person weather you are aware of it or not. It's has a dark energy to it that deceives and the people have a tendency to get stuck. You may laugh or think I'm joking when I say that Joliet is a black hole that takes and takes and takes but it's true. Being here I automatically have to work harder to shield and save my energy from the negative vibrations and after time it becomes wearing but most people don't notice it and since most people live in the physical and five sensory realm only they only see the "wonderful" Louis Joliet Mall or other shopping centers after shopping centers scattered out in this former corn field hell. I have noticed that probably about 85% of the population of Joliet is low vibration, stuck and negative so it's no surprise I ended up in that situation over the years.

EMOTIONALLY: Numb. Just numb. Numb is the best word I can use to describe the emotion of Joliet. It's default emotion seems to be anger and resentment but many that I have encountered usually suppress those emotions so it transforms into a town of bottled up and numbed anger and resentment.

Living in Joliet is the ultimate example of the "American Dream". How someone can be so brainwashing and controlling to sell you a pile of shit for every penny you have and somehow tell you it's a goldmine! Joliet has most of the modern conveniences and all of the modern inconveniences you could want or not want.

I have been here not even 24 hours quite yet but I am already ready to leave. However, I want to make sure my parents get out of here because I know how easy it is to get stuck and keep coming back to this place. I am using a lot of the tools and things I have acquired and learned this past year to repel the negativity both on the property I'm staying on and in the town/state itself. Joliet is a good place to come if you live somewhere gorgeous or that has wonderful energy and you will instantly be grateful for this not being your home yet at the same time you may feel bad for the unconscious folks who both spiritually and experience-wise don't know that there are MUCH better vibrations and places to experience and be. Coming back to Joliet has reminded me just how much work needs to be done to light up the world and in one of it's darkest holes I have personally visited and resided.

The best advice I can give to any person living in Joliet, Chicago or the great lakes midwest populated areas is to make a decision based on the following question and act on it!

"Atlantic or Pacific? East coast or West Coast?"

With no joking in my tone, WAKE UP AND GET OUT BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!! A persons spirit can only evolve so much in a place like this and sadly I've watched too many intuitive and creative people lose themselves with the time they spent here. I've been told many times before that "you can be happy anywhere", "bloom where you're planted", "it's not the place it's you" and while all of those statements hold *SOME* truth I don't fully agree or even agree with the majority of those statements. You do what you have to do but first ask yourself "If I don't have to suffer then why should I?"

Always know that sometimes a person needs to change inside but it isn't always you that needs to change, sometimes it's your surroundings that need to change. A change of surroundings often leads to changes within. Needless to say change can be a good thing and Joliet is a prime example of a place where the more things change the more they stay the same. Welcome to the land of the unconscious.


***I am pleased to have returned here to experience and write about this, I find it more and more to do with my lifes purpose and I am able to function better now being able to see this place for what it is from a place of clarity and neutrality. For those people who feel stuck in places like Joliet I hope to offer my insight and perspective on places that may work for them and how to get out of places that have a heavy and intense low vibration that clouds them up. I believe part of the reason I was called to travel on the path of spirit is so I can offer "Intuitive Energetic Relocation Coaching". Let the fun begin!!***


Written: Joliet, Illinois 2011

Called to Columbine

Yesterday I visited Columbine High School in Littleton Colorado as well as the Columbine Memorial for the massacre that took place on April 20th 1999.

I have been intrigued and interested in the Columbine High School massacre more than any other disaster in recent American history. More so than the Oklahoma City bombing, Waco Texas and even more so than 9/11 in NYC. Why? Allow me to explain.

Oklahoma City, Waco and 9/11 have similar motivations and they are all religious and politically based massacres. I expect radicalism and destruction from both religion and politics, while still tragic they don't share the same workings as the Columbine massacre. To me, Columbine stands alone in it's workings as one of the most questionable massacres in American history.

What drove high school seniors Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold to commit such horrific behavior? Many people have asked this question and I have heard a lot of BS surrounding the situation involving the kids. Some said they were picked on and had it hard, which I'm sure was true, that happens to most people in some capacity during their high school years and in life in general. Others suggested they were a lot more popular than the media tried to make them look. Sure Dylan had an attractive prom date 3 days before the massacre and Eric was quite the social butterfly but when I look at this situation it doesn't say anything to me and I find it typical of our media and culture to look in such a shallow pool for answers. Being picked on can lead to behavior such as the behavior displayed during the Columbine massacre but being popular doesn't always mean people are happy and that they aren't carrying some demonic attachments as well.

I would like to state that I am not religious nor am I a "man of God", I simply look at the Universe and it's workings and see a simple divide in energy and how that energy is used. Positive/Negative, Light/Dark, Good/Evil, etc. Is it possible that Eric and Dylan were just your average kids like any other that opened up a dark channel for such terrible behavior? Did their God-complex of being better than everyone lead them down the wrong path? Was their self-loathing that they wrote about in their journals abnormal from what many kids experienced, especially in the 1990's generation? I say yes, no and no. Here's why..

As a fellow indigo child and sensitive person I can relate to Eric and Dylan much in what they had written in their journals and also in their creativity. I am finding more and more that highly intelligent, sensitive and intuitive people are more prone to taking dark paths, especially when they are unaware or uneducated on how powerful energy in and of itself really is. Eric and Dylan were artists that wrote stories in their journal entries and for their high school teachers, they made videos and thought outside the box and sadly they also happened to embrace the darkness that they opened the door for to lead them down the path to killing 13 people as well as themselves and injuring many others.

I can take one look at either of them and see that they are no different than most of us maybe except that they were in fact a lot more intuitive, down to earth and intelligent than the world around them. I have seen many people who(especially in their teenage years and 20's)have evolved far beyond the world around them and don't know what to do and without guidance embrace the darkness that beats on their door day after day. Creative people need healthy outlets and while our world has some healthy outlets it still has much to desire. People who have rage issues, violent mood swings and suicidal thoughts need more acceptance, love and understanding and a world that acts as a playground for them to experience those things, in other words these people need to live in a world that functions as it should and not as it currently does. However, without the proper guidance and support of elders or peers that understand them it is nearly impossible so it is no wonder why so many young people(and people in general)turn to drugs, alcohol, television, sex addiction and violent movies/video games/music. They are doing nothing more than trying to self medicate because the world is too painful or they are watching the movies, playing the games and listening to the music that reflects the world that they see in our modern culture that seems to lack much soul.

I would be a liar to say I haven't thought similar sick thoughts as a young man such as the ones Eric and Dylan felt, however I never had a desire to take it out in a high school setting I always wanted to save it for politics or religious institutions. My rage, hatred, anger and everything dark that I channel quickly swallowed up my ability to rationalize in an intuitive way. While I don't embrace the behavior these two teens embraced nor do I excuse it entirely, I do however challenge us as a culture and species to take a deep look within ourselves to see what dark channels we may have helped open for these two lost souls to commit such a horrible act of senseless violence. This is one of the reasons why I supported Greg Zanis a carpenter from Illinois in making memorial crosses for Eric and Dylan. They were people, they had dreams, parents and a life to live just like the rest of us. They were lead astray and unfortunately took others with them. There is a lot to learn from the Columbine shooting and a lot of that message is to get us to look within ourselves and at our failing system. Also, a lesson in forgiveness.

More than any other in the Columbine shooting I blame our system and culture. Our system is still currently not open to the idea that this entire existence is a spiritual one and that we are in a major war between the light and dark and they certainly weren't open to this possibility in 1999. Denying our true nature, science, this experience of spirit, love, compassion, understanding and embracing our true capabilities is the REAL factor that lead to the Columbine massacre, even if Eric and Dylan opened a dark door that they weren't aware of the power behind it.

I feel I was called to Columbine High School to feel it's energy and have this revelation. As a sensitive spirit who has evolved beyond his surroundings I feel like part of my life's calling involves working with people of all ages but particularly younger people who do not know how to embrace their intuition or stifle their own awareness just because our society does or to help them understand why it's okay to be angry and have rage issues but how to effectively channel them. While I have learned a lot this year I still have much more to learn but I also have much to offer. In conclusion, I believe that it's possible that if Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold had lived in a world where their gifts were embraced, their rage had healthy outlets that were embraced and if they knew deep within themselves that it was okay to be different the events of April 20th 1999 at Columbine High may have never taken place. We will never truly know but what I do know is the impression I felt as to why I was called there and that is what is most important to me and my experience in visiting both the memorial and the high school itself.

-Zachary Hill


Written: Denver, Colorado 2011

Dancing In September

I had a conversation with myself today and I received answers from all of my layers of being.

My body told me "What are you doing to me? I've been telling you I need high octane fuel to function as I once did for you when you ran around for hours as a little child during the late summer. You've done this before, you will do it again." and the junk food cravings disappeared.

My emotions told me "You have had your fair share of suffering, sensitivities and devastation. You've endured abandonment as a young child, suicidal tendencies as a teenager, rage and loss as a young man in his 20's. You are learning to channel these feelings more effectively as you near the end of your darkest hour. You have always wanted to feel the wonders of lifes beauty and love, you had to experience both sides of the coin to truly cherish and understand both." and gratitude washed over me as tears of joy with a giant smile played across my face.

My mind told me "You have thought much with me, you have analyzed and put me outside the box much like the way you were born. You have used me to calculate whatever it is you have wanted to figure out over the years. You are learning my strengths and how to block my vulnerabilities to the darkness out." and the analyzing negative thoughts vanished.

My spirit told me "Though I have always been there, the driving force of your being it wasn't until a young 20 year old in 2007 decided to step away from the path of the norm and start the self discovery that it really had begun. With you I have carried you through your lightest moments that were sometimes so bright they were blinding as I also carried you through your darkest nights and hours, I cradled you as best I could when the rain poured down. You now see where your personal power lies and what potential it has." and my soul felt washed clean.

My heart told me "You were born with an enlarged heart and it has also carried over into your spiritual heart. You have the heart of a lion married to the fiery passion of a tiger. I have always remained true to you no matter what the odds, I have been the driving force of your light, love and happiness and what you have to share with the world." and for the first time I knew my heart was never blackened.

My angels told me "You are almost there and you are ready to put on "the last suit you will ever wear" and though life will have it challenges you are ready to own your personal power and use it for the best, all you have to do is step up and accept your place in the circle of life." and I stepped up and claimed what was mine.

God told me "The road has been treacherous, the odds not fair, the pain nearly unbearable, the loss major. But because you sacrificed so much(even against your own will or desire)you have earned the experiences of gratitude, acceptance and understanding. Another great experience you have embraced that I offer.."And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it find's you worthy, directs your course."" and I shed a tear of loving gratitude to a Universe that offers such wonderful power and experiences to be had, no matter what darkness has come with it.

And I, I told myself "Here you are, it took some time but you've made it. You finally found yourself. What is next? What darkness will I light up? What lies ahead? Thank You...THANK YOU!"



I would like to speak a little about the month of September.

September has always been my favorite month for many reasons. On one hand I love the feeling that connects the most exciting and gorgeous season of summer with the beautiful gloomy serenade of reflection that comes with the autumn. For the last two weeks of September during the "Indian Summer" I always feel at home, always.

The weather is usually always my favorite in September and the energetic shifts are always HUGE.

In 2007 I took my first vacation by myself to Wisconsin where the little spark of travel and self exploration began.
In 2008 I arrived and stayed the month of September in Sedona, Arizona with Roz.
In 2009 I went to the Rockies and Badlands with Scott on a "business trip"(if you could call it that!!) where we shared our bonding experience, that week I met Sara and a few days later I started dating Heidi.
In 2010 I had my affair with Allison and hit rock bottom and decided to get on the white light path and fix my life this time and took a huge leap of faith that lead to me moving out West and starting the life I had always dreamt of.
In 2011 I..........???? WE WILL SEE!!!

I listen to the song "September" by Daughtry on repeat as I write this entry as I feel myself swirling in a world of gratitude. I see a lot of huge events taking place this September with my intuitive mind's eye. A hatchet that has been 24 years in the process of being buried, a hopeful re-connection with my biological father after a 9 year absence. A releasing of my van dream that I can say I WENT OUT AND MADE HAPPEN! to free up energy for the next exciting thing. A huge *KNOWING* that everything will be alright. The huge leap of faith that is coming up, only this time I don't feel like I have to hit rock bottom to take it, just close to rock bottom ;P

Roz and I were discussing when we thought this craziness that went off the charts in September 2010 would calm down and we both bet somewhere around Sept/Oct 2011. Later, in April 2011 when I arrived at Angela's place on the island she was feeling a shift for me sometime 6 months or so later, which would put me around October. So let's see...

This year alone so far I have lived in many different places from the flat corn fields of Illinois to the beautiful mountaintops of California, to the sandy valley deserts of Arizona, to the cool rainy island of Washington state, back to the beautiful mountaintops of California, to the high desert of Arizona, to the place where the great plains meet the rocky mountains in Colorado and who know's where the next place will be!!!(I have an idea though).

This year alone I have moved out of my parents house and left the nest. Said goodbye to an old friend. Confronted my unresolved issues and childhood feelings about everything, especially my dad. Fell deeply in love with the girl I was partnered up for to light the world up as a team. Lost my partner to her own dark decisions. Danced with feelings of complete devastation, loss and suicide. Did my best to keep on the white light path and managed to handle myself better than I would have done so in previous experiences.

I have walked through my darkest hour/dark night of the soul much like a person walking down a dark hallway that seems to have no light at the end, I have been affected and I have been beaten and bruised but now I see the sun shining through.

But truth be told one of the biggest treasures I discovered deepest this year and the thing I am the most grateful for is my family, both those whom I still speak with and those I currently do not speak with at the moment. Even in all of my darkest moments this year where I lost my faith and gratitude I never lost my gratitude for my loved ones. Even when the traveling was no longer fulfilling, when the sunsets no longer brought tears of joy to my eyes, when places like Sedona no longer held their beauty it was ALL OF YOU that kept me going. People are the nectar of life, I realized this year that without those I love, all of the sunsets, traveling, mountains and beautiful places would not be. I learned...that THIS is what I'M fighting FOR!!!! So each and every soul that graces this GORGEOUS planet we inhabit has a chance to cry at the sight of a beautiful sunset, so their hearts can melt the first time they drive into a mountain range or onto the great plains, so their souls can know life the first time they look deep into the eyes of another as they see themselves reflecting in the eyes of their love, so they can laugh and act silly with friends, so they can hike up mountains and swim in oceans, lakes and ponds. So they can experience all of the beautiful light out Universe has to offer and so they can go through any darkness that may make the light that much brighter when they pull through.

For the first time in as long as I can remember, I now know why I haven't decided to leave this place early. I KNOW what I'm LIVING for and not wondering why I'm living just to die. I have said many thank yous this year and since I enjoy celebration I'm going to do so again, this time it pieces together a bit more. The following folks have made a huge difference in my life in general, over the years but ESPECIALLY this year in some major form or another. Here's a list that is done in a somewhat random order.

Mom - You birthed and raised me. You put up with all of my crap for 24 years and the least I can say is THANK YOU!!! I couldn't have asked for a better person to teach me about a parents love and the lengths that a person goes to to love their child. We've fought many times and many times for the wrong reasons but when it's all said and done all that matters is that in retrospect, you have fulfilled my expectations of what I wanted in a mother. Love, compassion, support, friendship and concern. Don't think your job is done yet though, you better stay around for at least another 50 years! I Love You <3

Dad - It's unlikely my father will read this, he never struck me as the type to own a computer but a lot can change in 9 years I'd imagine. You showed me a lot of how to conduct myself as an adult by showing me what not to do when raising a child but you know what? When it's all said and done I'm done carrying around the burden of being unforgiven. You did your best and how did I know this? The times that you cried and asked yourself why you acted in such a way towards me as a young child, I asked those same questions when I repeated similar behaviors with loved ones as a teenager and young 20 year old, I know your heart is genuine and that you lost your way. Rather than condemn you as I have done for so long I now pray for you and ask myself for forgiveness both for your choices and for my choice to not be in touch for nearly a decade. Without you I wouldn't be here. Without you I wouldn't have all of my characteristics and while I still long for your acceptance and to have not grown up in a broken home, the best I can do is use the lessons I learned to help prevent the darkness from taking hold of other people, as it once did you and I. Thank you for taking me all over the eastern United States, at a young age I saw how large the outer world was. A beautiful gratitude washes over me that brings tears to my eyes as my hatred and resentment towards you begins to disolve. I Love You =:)

Ed - When I was 14 back in 2002 I told the Universe(in which I didn't believe in much at the time) "If you don't have something for me soon, I'm gone." and I was dead serious. You showed up at the right time and provided the fatherly figure I had longed for for so long. You brought great joy to my mother and in so many ways healed the connection between us. It was easy to befriend one another..anybody I could talk to openly about how I wanted to kill someone in detail during my dark twisted moments that could relate to me was a good place to find common ground lol! Over the years I have come to you for many many many suggestions, advice and guidance. You're the father I always wanted, one of my best friends and the brother I never had all wrapped in one. You've never abandoned me and that has meant more to me than anything a elder male in my life could ever offer. I Love You.

Heidi - Another person whom I don't think will be reading this, at least for now(something says some time down the line, perhaps). You're the first person whom ever loved and believed in me even as I spiraled down the dark path. The beginning of our time together was great and the second half was a wonderful friendship. I've never seen such devotion and belief put in my direction from a romantic partner. I did not know how to receive your love in a healthy way at that time and it took the parting of our ways for me to realize that. I promise that your effort and time spent with me will not be in vain for I will use my experiences and lessons learned to light this place up! You showed me how to love my perceived enemy. I Love You.

Sara - I highly doubt she will be reading this anytime sooner either. When I looked deep into your eyes in the tent in Joshua Tree that night under the full moon and spoke without hesitation for the first time what was rushing through my body I instantly saw the light in the dark. Everything pulled together and made sense for a few moments in time. I saw my reflection in your mirror both in your eyes and in your soul. Your departure from my life during this year has been one of the most motivating factors and one of the most uncovering layers of my lifes purpose. You and I shared so much in common down to a T and for me one of the most important besides our passions and lifes purpose was our childhood connection. My father lost himself in the darkness from his childhood, I lost myself in the darkness of my childhood and you lost yourself in the darkness of your childhood. I lost a parent who was supposed to teach me how to be a man and a loving being, I lost myself trying to learn that for myself as a young child and young man and I lost my life partner whom I was put together with to light up the world all for the same reasons and it's because of the darkness that binds and feeds off of peoples childhood traumas that I feel motivated to involve myself with the love, understanding and acceptance process with children and adults in the aftermath. I also learned just how much I could allow myself to love another and I believe in you and that next time the right opportunity presents itself, I pray you'll let it wash over you entirely. I envision a world where I wish you nothing but the best and as I type this I reflect in gratitude. I Love You. =:*

Scott - You took me under your wing and showed me some of the ropes in business that will later provide me and my family with food on the table. I now know I didn't buy the white Dodge van to head west in but rather to be introduced to your friendship. I appreciate all of the time you took to show me the in's and out's of automobiles and time that you took to entertain all of our failed business ventures(we WILL land the right one when the time is right and it'll be big bucks for us! $$$). I am grateful especially though for your support in late 2010 and early 2011 by letting me borrow vehicles to drive for the last 6 months I was in Illinois, for giving me something to do, for being a listening ear when I made my bad relationship choices, for selling me the Ford Escort for so cheap and refusing to take my money for your profit cut. The Escort you sold me is and will always be the car I left "the nest" and moved out to the Wild West on my own in to grow up. I am thankful for your mechanical help this year also since I've been out west with both my Escort and van troubles. I Love You.

Kris - What can I say? We started out a few years back in rough waters but as we started to grow up we saw more connection in one another. I'm grateful for your ear, suggestions and introspection last fall all the way up to the time I left for Cali in January. Your similar situation in life helped me realized I wasn't the only one crawling in the dark searching for answers. I can't wait to visit you in Virginia!! I Love You.

Trish - One of my oldest friends WHOM I'VE YET TO MEET! You have no idea how much I considered going to the airport tonight and flying my ass to Pennsylvania just to SEE you!! Trish, you've been there through it all..well just about. Every girlfriend I've ever had(except 1 of them!), you knew me as a 14 year old and now as a 24 year old and for all the nights we stayed up online and on the phone til the sun came out I am forever grateful. I am putting it on my "to do" list to make it out to Pennsylvania(since you won't move to Arizona! >:O)before the end of next year. You're the last true friend I have yet to meet in person and I would like to see you before we enter our 30's! You kept me alive many nights when I was in my first dark hour at the age of 14, your ear was huge this spring on the phone while I paced around the island chatting about all of my Sara heartaches. Though your taste in music still sucks 10 years later I Love You none the less, some things never change.

Ken - I'm sitting on your couch typing this, kind've strange. Since we met in the Badlands it's been quite the trip! You have challenged me a lot in the past few years as we both bonded. It's strange to see you getting ready to do the whole professional deal. When I look at pictures of us from a few years back we look like young kids, now we look like older kids. You've always been generous to me and kept positive with me. Your optimism is rather incredible and you're an inspiration to me when I see you getting shit done cause you don't have time to stop and interact with the dark energy very often. I Love You.

Angela - You always had the right email responses over the past few years that made my day and now this year during my most devastating of dark times you invite me to stay on your land on the magical little island. The whole spring I had my faith tested and lost it at times thinking the Universe was shitting on me, meanwhile I didn't take the time to really embrace the fact that I was sent to your light because I needed it. It took someone as kind, sweet and light-filled as you to help anchor my darkness as it resurfaced hard in the wake of my break up with Sara. I always try to find the right words to say to express my gratitude and feelings toward your spirit but unlike others I'm grateful to I always find myself feeling like the words aren't great enough. Maybe it's because I feel like your loving kindness saved my life during a time where I wasn't sure I had much life left in me? Maybe it's because you took in a semi-stranger on a rainy cold night(both outside and inside my soul)? Maybe it's because the way your interact with your daughters is a huge inspiration to me for when I become a parent(I think you could teach parenting classes, believe me I've seen enough broken homes and divorced parents and yours is the only one I don't feel to be broken)? Maybe it's because spending time with you on the rock felt like hanging out with someone who understood me and where I was at in my life? Maybe it's because I met a fellow psychic and was able to talk openly about the other dimensions and 6th sensory world without it feeling like a foreign language? Maybe it's because I have felt you to be my mother, sister and friend at different times and sometimes all at once(who knows what past life connections we share?)? Maybe it's because I know my mother is grateful for your generosity for taking her son in when he was 2000+ miles away from home and many more miles away from his home within himself during this dark night? Whatever it may be, I'm sure I'll be able to express it properly sometime over the years, I've got time. I Love You. <3 =:)

Roz - Wax on, wax off! ;) My mentor on so many levels. The first person I called for guidance when I made the darkest choice of my life last September. You extending your home to me at the end of last year was a godsend as it was when you shared your home with me three years ago. I do believe in so many ways I owe a large part of my spiritual, psychic and general development this past year to you. You helped awaken my gift and my calling and have taught me to become comfortable with it. You introduced me to so many things I didn't understand in the sixth sensory world from what a karmic relationship is to remote viewing to getting on other peoples frequency to most important of all following my intuition, feeling and heart. Throughout this year when I felt myself slipping in and out of darkness as I learn to let go of who I have been and the dark of where I came from turning to you with questions, for guidance and just being able to share a ton of laughs over the insanity and beauty of life has been priceless. Your guidance, love, support, input and teachings of life have been priceless as well but especially in regards to issues with my father and childhood and all of the stuff involving Heidi, Allison and Sara. I feel in many ways had I not met you I would possibly still be stuck in my hell in Illinois which would have ultimately lead to my incarceration, death and probably the destruction of the lives of many others, especially those closest to me. Just like when I was called/sent to Angela's this spring during the biggest shock done to me by another of my adult life the Universe and my angels provided for me and cradled me when I landed on your doorstep this winter shortly after the biggest shock I did to someone else of my adult life. The Light knew all three times it sent me to your house over the past few years and when it sent me to Angie's that I was desperately in need of a powerful light-worker to help lift me through mature love. I look at you as a seasoned warrior fighting the fight for the Light. I connect so well with you in this life because we both know the darkness intimately and how it's capable of using us if we handed our power over to it. I feel like I'm in Psychic College 101 when were together or on the phone and I love it! I am forever grateful for the gifts you have helped awaken in me and for all the time you have taken over the years, but especially this past year to do all of the cool spiritual stuff you have done, for providing me with countless laughs and for watching my back by slaying the demons that I am still learning how to see for myself. Takes time to grow eyes in the back of my head! On a side note I'm also grateful for you providing me the place(s) to stay to become intimate with two of my absolute favorite places I've ever lived/been, southeast California and central Arizona. I Love You <3 =:)

I never get tired of saying my thank you's and I love you's to all of YOU! It is however going on 6AM and I do get tired of being up all night soooo on that note. GOOD NIGHT!

Thank You all again, hope you enjoy this entry!

Love,

-Zachary =:) <3


Written: Denver, Colorado 2011

Light It Up!

Just got back from my road trip up to South Dakota(via Nebraska and Wyoming)and also coming back from my 2 week-ish spiritual sabbatical. I feel refreshed and re-aligned!

I have had a few days to myself here in Denver which has given me some time to mull over my events this year. What a crazy fuckin' year!!!

This tumultuous adventure started mid September last year and with one year since then being only one month away I have reflected on all this chaos and can say "THANK GOD THE ENERGY IS SHIFTING AGAIN!!!" I knew this year would be a chaotic one but I didn't realize to what level.

I went from ending the life I knew for 23 years in Illinois to finally moving out West staying with a friend in Cali who used to be my landlady in Arizona back in '08 to moving into a 21 year old van(not down by the river)and heading off into the Arizona desert to see mi amor for a few weeks only to no longer share amor with mi amor to heading up to a small island in the Puget Sound of Washington where I met someone in person that was a friend from Youtube and even was invited to Easter breakfast to heading back down to see my friend in Cali AGAIN and then back over to Arizona where I wrapped up some personal shit and then off to Colorado to reconnect with yet another friend whom I met in South Dakota which is where I was just at a few days ago for the fourth time!

What a fuckin' year! =:D

So now I sit on a semi-comfy leather couch in my friends apartment in Denver wondering to myself "dude, what's next?". I am excited to step back onto the white light path after a long needed break. Part of what is next will involve making large amounts of CASH but also doing so by doing something spiritually rewarding. The van days are over and it's in my best interest to vagabond van-less in the near future I believe, ultimately working towards a Toyota RV. Now if I could get summer in the rocky mountains of Colorado(not Denver though) and winter in Cali's high desert with annual stops in Utah and Arizona while going from place to place that would be WONDERFUL! =:D


I'm filled up with gratitude and a new found attitude. The revelation that struck me over the past 2 days is that I get pissed easily and when the dark energies do things to those I love in attempt to hurt me it's in my best interest to hurt them back, who said revenge has to be a dark act? Hit 'em where it hurts! I am starting to realize more my own personal powers, capabilities and destiny. Dark energies understand my potential to throw a wrench in their plan so since they know they can't recruit me anymore they've been trying to beat my ass down and get me to submit to the darkest of the dark behaviors and in all honesty, they have come very close this year. One thing they didn't expect perhaps is just how much they've managed to annoy and piss me off. They've taken a lot from me, a lot of things I care(d) about and I feel like it's time to answer the call I have been too scared to take. After feeling like I had lost so much throughout my childhood and teenage years, losing Sara coupled with seeing all of my soul family members stepping out of the woodwork this past year to support and love me in their own respective ways has filled me with a loving gratitude that I cannot describe in words and also has ignited a passionate fury to destroy all things dark in a world covered in dark times.

The darkness has not only fucked with me on and off for the past 24 years but has also coveted, manipulated, raped and destroyed many people whom I love and care about and as I realize that the people who hurt me were only acting as a vehicle for this evil energy it takes a lot of the anger off of them and redirects it toward the source of the dark energy. With a new found passion to light up the darkness and a fading fear of it's seduction and deceptive ways I feel like things are about to get interesting.

I now understand and know why the darkness has always attempted to recruit me and has even come close while using me as a vehicle at times. The darkness showed me just how powerful I was and showed me my ability to create for it's purpose and destroy for it's purpose and just how intense and strong my energy is, it did not however show me my option as to what I could do with the strength of my personal power and personal energy. The issue at hand now is much like a person born into slavery or someone who has finally seen the forest through the tree's. The taste of freedom from the bondage of darkness' seduction and control, I've got a little and now I want more.

What happens when a dark worker realizes their own personal power within the dark energy?
The darkness never shows you any other option, it never let's you know that you have a choice.

What happens when a dark worker has an intervention with the light?
The purity of the light overpowers all of the seductions of the dark when truly experienced.

The most dangerous question one can ask that threatens the very existence of the dark energies power is...

What happens when a soul get's a taste of the light, realizes that they can choose to serve the light's purpose instead and that the reward is much greater by doing so? What happens when that soul no longer fears the dark energy? What happens when the darkness no longer appeals to that soul? What happens when the passion ignites to spread the light to as many others as possible?..

...What happens when one soul recognizes itself when the light shines into it's own heart, when that soul see's itself in every other soul, when those soul's recognize each other unified and the mission they are here to complete is put into motion, what then happens to the dark energies and entities?..

GAME OVER.

I've learned and experienced a lot this year. Much Love, Gratitude and Respect to those whom have shined their light on me when I needed it most during this dark night of the soul. I finally see the dawn arriving, I see beyond the road I'm driving. You all know who you are.

I Love You.

-Zachary <3 =:)


Written: Denver, Colorado 2011

My Dance with Mary Jane

It's been almost 7 years since Mary Jane and I danced for the first time. I never desired to dance again mainly because I never received anything from her. After 7 years of being around various people on and off and seeing the negative effects marijuana has on people I decided to...well..try it again!(Can you believe I was sober when I decided to do this? Long periods of intense pain make people decide they don't want it anymore, even if they know the escape isn't going to work, it's worth a try!)

I know, it sounds like a great idea but what can I say? I was in the mood and after a hellish year I felt if there's a chance I can numb out my emotions and take a little vacation from the spiritual path and try to be like everybody else maybe it would be rewarding? As my intuition has suggested for nearly 7 years now, it offered nothing truly good and in the end amplified all of my negative emotions.

Here in Colorado marijuana is partially legal with a "Medicinal Use" Marijuana Card. What does that mean? It means that for those few people that may actually benefit from the medical use of marijuana they can get it after getting an exam and registering with the sheriffs department and for the majority that don't actually need it the marijuana card provides an opportunity for them to use their creativity that they naturally have(though most seem to think getting high boosts that creativity)and create a "health issue" for themselves so they can have an excuse to buy Mary Jane to smoke or any other form of weed product such as weed brownies or weed pizza. I have noticed the more liberal states have had Marijuana Dispensaries all over the place from California to Oregon to Washington to Colorado but I must say that Colorado is the most prominent from my experience.

Zac, what happened while you got high?

What happened? It was great maaaaaaaan..I was like totally fucked up duuudddeee! In reality? I felt my intellect slipping away along with my ability to rationalize or follow my intuition and also feel the most purely enjoyable emotions while the only benefit was that it numbed some of those more painful emotions too.

Weed should be classified as a vegetable because that's what I have noticed it does to other people I have been around throughout my life and it was no different for me. The first half hour was fairly good by my standards of pain avoidance. I was able to think of all the horrible things going on in the world(that I usually think about on a daily basis, saddened that there's no way I can really effect major change)and not feel concerned, hurt, saddened or anything towards them. When it came time to face my personal demons while incredibly high(I smoked probably about 5 buds of pure sour kush)I experienced much of the same, I was able to flash back to the most painful parts of my life that I can recall in recent years being the events of earlier this year and not feel anything towards that either.

Was this possible?!?! Did I actually find something that could take away all of my pain??? Something that could take away all of my concern for the world around me that I seem to care about more than I actually should?? Could I actually just get a job at Kmart and have a few beers and Doritos when I get home after work and go back into oblivion?? Would this provide me the chance to take "the blue pill" and forget everything I experienced on a spiritual level so I could dumb myself down to the average person's level and become a human doing instead of a spiritual being? As I would imagine most highly sensitive, highly intelligent and highly intuitive people would feel at times, I could only hope.

However as I am also learning this year with many things both positive and negative, hope is often hopeless. Somewhere around the 45 minute marker of being high the hard crash came. The weed amplified my negative emotions and pain and drained me dry of any positive energy I had within my reservoir. It started out with me going into a world issue/political rant with a raging anger as I walked around the grocery store looking for munchies. I was staring at the colorful soda cans while the high started to wear off and remember how entertained I was by something so insignificant(let's face it, American's do this everyday even when they're not stoned, it's called television)but during the whole time at the grocery store I couldn't remember what I was there to buy, I couldn't locate it easily in the store and I was PISSED! I went on about the government and civilization in a way I hadn't since sometime in early to mid 2010. Then my favorite part came after I left the grocery store and the political part cycled out. Now about an hour and a half crashing off the high I shifted into a deep sadness and depression and the emotions turned towards my situation earlier this year with Sara, something that hasn't been of much thought for over a week now..can't wait to pick those feelings back up when all the smoke has cleared and I leave Denver, yay!

This was the challenging part because anger always exhausts me but there is a high that is created from rage, even though it isn't a healthy one but there is no high for me when I crash into depression or deep sadness. Thoughts of suicide came to the surface and intensified, a deep emptiness and feeling of betrayal arose along with a lack of forgiveness for anyone or anything. The longer this went on the more I was tempted to smoke another bag or start getting drunk, anything to keep me from feeling what I had been able to escape feeling for the first 30 minutes, this is how people become addicted and this is why marijuana is a gateway drug. Yes, that's right potheads, marijuana is not "the all healing herb" it's a coping mechanism.

The good thing about the high wearing off is that it sobered up my senses a bit, sure the demons came to the surface but with them came my intuition that was screaming to me "DO NOT TAKE ANOTHER HIT OR DRINK ANY ALCOHOL!!!" and despite the fact that I felt emotionally raped from this experience and wanted to hit the bud again to take away those feelings of rape and I followed my intuition and decided that it was more than likely just going to be a long night and that I would have to ride out the emotional and spiritual crash and truth be told, I still feel a bit changed by the experience and not for the better.

Only two good things came out of the marijuana smoking experience for me, two things that I learned that were important.

1. Getting high brought forward all of the stuff I have put on the shelf for some rest and relaxation this week, stuff that I will have to pick up and work on some more when I come back from my spiritual sabbatical. I find it interesting how those things weren't bothering me much until I chose to smoke the green monster and much like the monster it is, it devoured me.

2. The temporary numbing of emotions was nice and it depends on what point of view you look at it from, allow me to explain.

If you come at the world as an idealist and can see that image of reality in the world, if truth and reality were married then I would say smoking weed is pointless and more harmful than good. In the real world in which our insipid species has created that 30 minutes of feeling nothing can be a "godsend" and a much needed break for many and while I feel a bit embarrassed and ashamed by my decision to walk a weaker path in the moment I decided to smoke, I felt exhausted from all of the shit this year and was curious if there would be any benefit. So to the credit of drug addicts and in this case the ones that smoke pot I can understand the need for escape, I too live in the same shitty world that they live in and I too see the same daily problems that go on and while I feel as helpless to changing the world as the next guy I'm not interested in taking steps away from positive change and assisting the evil powers that be in gaining more power which is exactly what someone does when they numb their spiritual senses and emotions and cloud up their intellect, ability to reason and mental capacity.

Many have told me marijuana makes them "more creative". I find it sad that people need to trip or escape in order to bring forward their creativity and imagine the potential that lies within each and every one of our brilliant creators wearing the mask of a stoner. Pure creativity eclipses synthetic creativity every time. My creativity has always boomed in a natural experience, something made of a truly divine experience be it a beautiful sunset, standing on top of a mountain, a strenuous hike, making love with someone whom you share a deep spiritual connection, uncontrollable laughter with a good friend or simply just how pissed off I get when I see injustice and quickly realizing that *if* I am ever to make any *REAL* positive changes I will first and foremost need my Spirit and intuition intact coupled with my ability to think clearly and maintain emotional strength. Marijuana does not provide that reality. Working through karmic and spiritual crap to work on ascension does. It isn't easy and it isn't for those who want it to be and while I do understand the need for a little sabbatical once in a great while, I don't see any place for getting high on weed on my white light path.


One last thing. Many have asked me over the years my opinion of which is worse between marijuana and alcohol and I always leaned toward alcohol(and probably because of how my fathers alcoholism affected my childhood). However, after getting high the other day and observing pot smoking for the better part of 10 years now I would say they are both on the same level in many ways. Different strokes for different folks. I have seen both make people angry, stupid, giggly, sad and numbed. The common factor is I have seen no benefit to engaging with either on a regular basis. Alcohol is more annoying in the fact that it's embraced as an acceptable drug and instead of going within people go to the bar to get drunk and "have a good time"(what an annoying and inaccurate statement to associate with drinking). Marijuana is more annoying in the fact that many potheads seem to think it's a "natural all healing herb" and while it has many good uses outside of being smoked and even on occasion some good uses being smoked, for the most part it is an addictive drug and limits your ability to push yourself far beyond your restrictive thinking while coupled with logic and intuition.

Get high on a sunset, laughter with a friend or sharing a loving experience with your partner. Truly live a little before you die.


Written: Denver, Colorado 2011