The Island Within(From SJI to Vancouver Island)

After 2 months on San Juan Island I had come to realize that I was feeling stuck and needed to do some adventuring to get some perspective on where my life is at and where it is heading. All this change, highs and lows has caused a lot of turmoil in my life in the past few months. I started feeling trapped on the island since I hadn't left it(outside of going to Orcas Island)since I arrived on a rainy night of the soul in late March. I decided to take the ferry to Anacortes and drive to Mount Vernon/Burlington to take care of some business. After feeling an incredible energy shock of the negative energies of Mt Vernon/Burlington I decided to get online on my new iPod touch and see where I wanted to head.

I tossed around the idea of going to North Cascades National Park in Washington but ended up feeling like I should drive towards Bellingham. By the time I reached Bellingham I realized I was going to head to Vancouver, British Columbia. So onto Canada I went...

US Customs:

US Customs tossed my van while detaining me in a stainless steel room for about 10 minutes. They actually didn't rip everything apart and were very personable, the one guy was even talking about Friday Harbor with me. As most of you know the idea of borders on our planet always annoys me and I find it stupid, however in the world we currently occupy I will say that the US Customs didn't treat me like shit this time like they did in Detroit. Must be better to live in the West than Mid-west ;p

Canada Customs:

I had to stop at a teller booth and declare the bananas I was bringing over the border and then pull over for what I thought was going to be another vehicle inspection but turned out to be me getting questioned while they ran my background. The guy asked me if I smoked weed a few times, asked me why I don't smoke it and I decided this is my chance to fuck with him so I replied. "It blows holes in your aura, screws with your spirit and if I wasted money on that I wouldn't be able to travel!" to which he looked at me and inquired as to what an aura was haha!

He did tell me though that he could have rejected me for not having proof of income or enough cash funds on me, he suggested that I could decide to live in my van in Canada as an "illegal alien" and work for cash therefore frauding the tax system and he could get in trouble, in other words I'd be like a Mexican in Canada! ;D So he asked me how would he know I wasn't going to do that and I told him I don't have any proof so he asked again to which I replied "I can't prove it, you'll have to use your intuition, obviously it's your choice." He decided to let me through but suggested next time I print out a bank statement or bring more cash. Note taken.

Vancouver: I pulled into Vancouver around midnight and found a 24 hour McDonalds McCafe(which I haven't seen in the states), as soon as I parked behind the building right up against an alleyway I knew that was where I was going to stay the night. I went in, had some "food" and used the free wifi with my iPod for a while before returning to the van. It was noisier than sleeping at Angies and really gave me a greater appreciation for sleeping on a peaceful piece of land like Angies however for a big city it wasn't as noisy as any of the places I stayed in Phoenix or Portland. I woke up in the middle of the night with a nosebleed and spitting up blood(probably from eating McDonalds haha)and this morning for the 3rd night in a row was so dizzy I felt like I was gonna fall over(therefore it must not just be the land in Friday Harbor like a few of us suspected).

The gas station and McDonalds employers in Vancouver drove brand new 3 series BMW's. The people were all incredibly friendly and the lady even said "Greetings, what would you like today?" I saw maybe 5 white people in Vancouver the rest were Asian and middle-eastern. Vancouver was a typical big city though it's energy was much like Seattle being that it was decent for a big city, I suppose. I decided to head off for Vancouver Island this morning.

Vancouver Island/Victoria: I arrived at the ferry just in time to take it over to Sidney. From there I headed down to Victoria which proved to be a waste of time(but being a traveler I was curious). Victoria is a touristy city with good energy but just like Vancouver, it's a city none the less and was kind've stale and boring. I am currently at the Starfucks in Nanaimo, BC which is a smaller scale Victoria-ish suburb. The weather was nice until about 50 kilometers back where it started pouring.

I've never liked spring. I can't wait until summer gets here. I have monitored a few other things other than my tolerance for the weather since I have left Friday Harbor. Traveling is no longer giving the "quick hit to the vein" it used to that pacified my inner turmoil, however seeing some sort of mountains here on the BC island does lift me. I miss the mountains soooooo much! I'm tired of the rolling hills, grasslands and valleys. The suburbs of Canada are almost as bad as the ones in the states. Burlington and Mt Vernon, WA felt awful after the first 30 minutes of getting adjusted back to normal society and feeling like being in a foreign country I noticed my intuition was correct. If I have it my way, I would never live in the suburbs again let alone desire to drive through them unless I have to. My feelings toward the city haven't changed much either. I'm heading towards Tofino, BC which is the west coast of Vancouver Island and I cannot wait to see it!

Though I only slept about 5 hours last night I do feel a bit of burnout. Maybe it's the northwest weather, energy and scenery? Maybe I'm burned out on travel? Maybe my inner turmoil needs releasing? Maybe it's all of the above or none of the above?

This spring has felt like rock bottom of my life, so I'm guessing it can only get better from here. In many ways I feel a hell of a lot better than the last time I sat in a Starbucks in Portland in a lot of pain. Being on SJI and welcomed by Angela and her corner of the world on the island has helped accelerate the healing process for which I am grateful. However, I won't lie and say I can't wait until this transformation kind've smoothes out and turns into the next phase. I'm so exhausted with living so often the past 10 years it has to get better from here. I find my sensitivity not triggering as badly here in Canada either, maybe I'm just starting to not care how fucked up the world is? After all as everyone has been telling me for years now, you can't change the whole world. At this point I'm looking for a sign, for something...the same searching I have been doing for years, the same thing that brought me to the road. The road felt like my sanctuary, now it's starting to feel like an aggravation, I'd like to buy a horse and covered wagon and live with Native Americans in the desert that live under the traditional customs. Welcomed back to where I feel I belong...does that place even exist anymore in this world of borders, Walmarts and capitalism? The more I see of this world the harder it becomes to accept.

I am walking the tightrope between cashing in my check and coming out of this transformed. My mission statement/New Years Resolution for 2011 was "Reinvention, Rebirth, Responsibility" but I feel I am losing my ability in that actually happening. I feel it's time to surrender and let the Universe do the driving again, maybe this time it won't lead me to another disastrous situation like the ones that have occurred over and over again since last summer.

Now that I've purged that, my energy feels better. I am having an experience and for that I am thankful. Better days ahead!

Onward to Tofino, Canada!


Written: Naniamo, British Columbia, Canada 2011

Voice of the Voiceless

The deepest levels of torture reflect outside thy self
No safe zones, only private homes, find yourself all alone

A species too afraid to care, turn your back on the skull duggery over there
We look to those to lead but instead we watch it like a movie screen where the product is finished and the debts get bigger but fear not surely they won't pull the trigger on you and me the small man says "thats just the way its gotta be".

I'm not buyin' it. I see potential comin' from a whole other level but then it's split between the visionaries, idealists, capitalists and realists. Everybody running their mouth refusing to believe in all the destruction were seeing.

Our souls are stripped from head to toe. First they take our food, water and sell us a home that we don't own but nor do they. How can you sell something that doesn't belong to you? Isn't that called theft? I hear my red skinned ancestors cry as I feel alone in the realization that it's all here for us to share and not capitalize on one another.

Things change but the truth remains the same. Were not evolving, were mutating into something far from what we are capable of. This world has so much to give and so do it's "highest evolved" species and yet it doesn't.

Then a person like me steps out of line and gets smacked and reminded of his place in the mutation devastation. To think outside the box makes you dangerous, makes you real, makes you a threat to their established ways. Those at the top are aware of what could happen if everyone embraced their outside the box thinking and those at the bottom drink the kool aid everyday saying that certain things are acceptable and ok.

Many before have called me extreme but in a time where everything is extremely controlled, manipulated and the everydays truth is destroyed require SOME people to be extreme and actually attempt to make a difference?

I've met people that think you'll change the system by working within it, I've talked to others that are ready to grab their guns and overthrow by force. I've heard it all, where is the balance?

What if the people inside the system took their guns and pointed them at the higher ups?

What if the people outside the system united with their counterparts on the opposing side? It takes education to get that to function properly.

Advocates for peace such as myself get labeled a "violent threat" because we seek accountability for the behaviors of the criminals at the top and also for the people at the bottom that make a choice to not open their eyes.

I have always carried beliefs that work outside the systems idea. Whatever the masses are doing the best thing to do is go the opposite direction in most cases. People think their little lives add up to something greater, but what if peoples BIG lives added up to something greater? A true potential that I see within each and every one of us. Something that our ancestors, the real Americans spoke of.

Why are we tolerant of todays cities? Are they not the ego when nature is the higher self? Do cities not produce more crime against one another, against the sacred lands, against the spiritual self that one cannot ascend to in a noisy, toxic and pollution(on every level)filled place?

This idea of "owning" things. What a stupid concept. We don't own "our" land, "our" children, "our" car, "our" television. Nor does the corporate government. How can one own what is truly not for sale? It seems like some of the only things we can truly own is our mind, our soul and our existence and that is why the powers that be attempt to(and successfully in most cases)pollute and control those aspects of us in the outside world. It's a sick game and I'm wondering when we all as a world will grow tired of it!

We talk about balance. Does balance include mutation? It is not a balanced life to desire to hoard everything for ourselves, to embrace the idea of capitalism, to spend little time in what is real that which is nature and then live in the polluted cities.

I have been told not to concern myself with what others do, but when what others do effects me directly and so many people lose the opportunity to experience some of the most incredible highs that come with moving inward how can I not find myself angered or annoyed?

Peoples unwillingness to question everything has always pissed me off and created a painful disconnect with them and it hasn't been until recently that I have taken a deep breath and chilled out on that and attempted to see what others are saying about how people develope.

Nothing is really getting achieved on a higher level. I have no reason to have faith that it is either. In our history there has been one empire after another that have collapsed one after another and all of them have had low vibrations. Our current world empire is no different.

Is it wrong to want more than just a bullshit pacified meaningless progress? Is it too much to ask of people to look deeper within, even if it's difficult and challenging? Should I expect less from our species? Some things suggest yes, others suggest no. I say, that when its all said and done all you will have is your spirit and integrity. Your own personal ascension. Is it not the job of those ascending to help out the less ascended so they too can experience their highest potential? This is why I care. These are the reasons I have raged, hurt and nearly gone off the wall in the name of something more.

I have seen that the most beautiful places are those where man has rarely gone or has displayed a show of mercy by not capitalizing on the lands.

What can I do to make it better? It's starting to reveal itself to me that my purpose is that of creation, I am the voice of the voiceless. Not a soldier in the trenches but a diplomat. A designer, a thinker, a dreamer. Everything we all are but so often don't embrace.

If you have ever believed you were crazy for being different, know that you are not alone. Once you realize that being different is the path less traveled you will then know deep within who is truly crazy and it's not you.


Written: San Juan Island, Washington 2011

Ask Yourself: Light or Dark?

A bottle to the lips
A lit cherry at the end of the tobacco stick
A false high that comes from a hit or sniff
Would you like fries with that?
A different man or woman every night in the sack
A job that never fulfills and doesn't pay the bills
A bag of make up to give an illusion of make believe
Thats a really nice tie you have!
A box with a screen that tells you what to dream
A piece of plastic with buttons that push you more than you push them
A loud sound of a car engine with too much money invested
Can you really afford to be tied to all that?

Ask Yourself...


An embrace of every days blessings
An acceptance of every days learnings
An experience of understanding
Can life really be that beautiful?
A moment of introspective triumph
A day under the warmth of the sun
A night under the full moon light
What is the name of YOUR internal song?
A lifetime of challenge
A decision to allow and overcome
A intention to never let love leave your graces
Instinct, Intuition, Faith, Forgiveness, Love, Compassion & Understanding
Can you really afford to NOT be guided by that?

Ask Yourself...


(This goes back to the two words I've been saying for 10 years now QUESTION EVERYTHING!)

-Zachary Hill


Written: San Juan Island, Washington 2011

Dark Decade of the Soul

As a child of life a few things are more than likely to happen in this Divine place filled with irrational and unawakened people.

Parents can mold you
Teachers can mislead you
Governments can opress you
Lovers can hurt you
Friends can betray you
Families can disown you
Enemies can defeat you

It seems to be hope that something will be better tomorrow morning than it was today that keeps us going, upon waking up in the morning it's often the hope that today will be better than yesterday that allows us the same experience.

I have been going through what some call "The Dark Night of the Soul" which usually inserts chaos through changes, at least in my own development. The night has been far too long and I await the rising of the sun. What I have noticed is our world itself seems to have fallen on a dark night. A world where fear controls the decisions of the masses. Where people vote everyday with what some super powerful cultural influence tells them to. From buying groceries to accepting our role as "consumers". We are only what we allow them to make us. As I get older I realize that choosing my battles has become far more important to prevent needless suffering, but who is to say what suffering is needless?

Every time I step into nature with the intent of gratitude I feel beauty that NOTHING can compare to wash over me...except for one recent discovery.

The nature within. I see that nature provides a place for me to see my own reflection..a reflection of what I truly am, my evolution.

Our species seems more concerned with continuing its own mutation than evolution. It usually pisses me off, deeply saddens me or at best I find myself attempting to block it out each and every day(not one goes by without this experience)that people take their life for granted and at the same time I feel forced into the box with everyone else since the majority rules. I'd like to believe that we could explore the deepest parts of our soul, mind and hearts in a community of support. We have too many labels, everything is catergorized into a religious, political or cultural box when in reality the development of the soul requires all 3 to evolve, not mutate. Religion evolves into Spirituality. Politics evolves into a cleaner spirit driven act and Culture could be less ego-based and more of a blending. A human culture.

We draw these lines that divide, division is an old way of doing things and it is unserving energy. Being unable to do anything about this is the worst experience for someone to witness day to day.

During my dark decade of the soul there have been many times I have wanted to drink the kool aid or take the other color pill and go back into oblivion and stupidity. Truth for me is that my experiences have deepend in my connection to nature, in my intimate relationships, in my friendships the deeper and further into this path I go. The other truth is the further I go the more dark it gets, the more confusing I find it to be and the more isolated and alone I feel. The more I walk the fine line between being lost forever in the dark or moving towards the light.

I find it interesting that we are always moving towards the light, when is the ACTUAL pay off of being in the light and preventing onesself from descending into the dark? My mind is over worked, tired and scared. My soul is lost and crying for a better world that goes beyond starting with myself. My emotions are all over the place and my body only finds itself dragging along the "dusty road". Depression and rage surface every now and again to remind me that I can always change my location and thoughts but the state of the world does not change. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Different faces, different clothes, different languages and different times. Same results.

The oppressed shall always be oppressed. The rich will continue to destroy the lives of the poor until the poor fight back.

For the few beautiful moments life truly has blessed me with there is a lot of exhaustion and dancing with the devil...

..For the few moments I have had I decide to get out of bed every morning hoping that today will provide the opportunity for another one of those moments...call me a junkie, call me hooked...call me what you will. I'd rather be hated or disregarded for who I am than falsely "loved" by shallow souls for who I am not.

These are the ramblings of a troubled, tired and old soul. I find myself not getting angry at the stupidity of the less awakened, I just find myself becoming more depressed as I watch the world go through its growing pains as I go through my own.

My faith is being tested more now than ever. I wish this world was gentler and more understanding, maybe it's because I'm sensitive. Something I wish I could shut off completely until the world is ready to wake up.

I'm not going to be of much use unless I get myself some college credentials since spirituality seems to have become a business. Everything has blood money running through it. I say we move forward by reverting back to a simpler society in the material realm but a deeper and far more evolved society in the spiritual/soul realm.

It feels good to put this out there, I'm tired of bottling up the negative/realistic attitude in exchange for faith driven positivity. Balance is very real, I've been running from my dark side for so long but never really touching the light that maybe it's time for me to embrace and use the darkness within to serve the light. The world is collapsing as we know it, thank God!

Until next time...


Written: San Juan Island, Washington 2011

The Cauldron & The Flame

I have yet to find a dance more beautiful than the one between the cauldron and the flame.

The cauldron provides shelter for the wildly burning flame from the strong winds that threaten its existence.

The flame provides the cauldron with warmth that it alone would not produce.

What can happen when the flame and the cauldron dance too closely for too long though?

The cauldron is capable of smothering the flame and putting it out by blocking the necessary oxygen the flame needs to survive.

The flame is capable of burning hot and melting the cauldron.

But what can happen when the flame and the cauldron learn how to dance together with grace and harmony?

By the flame dancing around its partner knowing just when to move close and when to step back the cauldron warms up and slowly the steel starts to temper preventing the cauldron from melting and allowing it to slowly learn the warmth of the flame.

By the cauldron dancing around its partner knowing just when to move close and when to step back the flame is sheltered from the harsh winds but is able to graciously accept the winds that blow with less intensity providing it the oxygen it needs for survival encouraging the flame to burn at a steady and consistent temperature.

Together the cauldron and the flame have the potential to provide the needs for one another and also the potential to destroy the unity between one another.


With mindfulness and the willingness to learn the dance the flame and the cauldron learn to dance with one another by knowing when to move forward and when to step back.

The result is the shared unity of warmth and shelter for both.

What a beautiful dance...

-Zachary Hill 2011 (C)


Written: San Juan Island, Washington 2011

A Concept: On The Backroads

The concept of being "on the backroads" started out as someone traveling from point A to point B on a long mile trip generally done so in a vehicle. What I've come to discover is the true meaning of what it means to be "on the backroads". While traveling further into my spiritual journey of the soul I have found that all of the roads within that I have taken have all been the ones least traveled in my previous lifetimes, which is why I have chosen this path or perhaps it has chosen me to encourage me to finally find the place within I call home and to know it for the first time.

-Zachary Hill May 2011


Written: San Juan Island, Washington 2011

A. Light Retreat: Starlit Spring Night

(I wrote this last night in my notebook under thousands of stars, I wanted to share it with all of you)

Countless stars in the sky

Some shooting for just a moment catching my attention for seconds briefly

A night of wonder, a night of magic

I Love the wonders of the night

The creatures of the night sing me songs as though they were just for me

I'm in Love with Spirit and all of creation

It is because of what I see in the sky tonight that I am reminded of all the beautiful creations in existence

The smell and sweet taste of the crisp night air is sweeter than sugar(better for you too!)

What brings tears of sorrow and joy to my eyes is the feeling of knowing that no matter how dark the tunnel may get there is always a light at the other side and that no matter how grateful I am for every gust of wind, tree, bird that chirps, smell of rain, smile I see, hand I hold, lips I kiss passionately, hug I share, friend I have, song I sing, life I've touched that it will never be enough to express the gratitude I feel that runs through my veins, pounds in my heart and tears that swell in my eyes all saying "THANK YOU!!!" You've always been there even when I was too blind to see.

These are just a few moments of feeling my connection to Source while healing on a cool spring night under the stars at the Residence of Light.

-Zachary Hill


Written: San Juan Island, Washington 2011