"Don't be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." - Romans 12:21
What do you do when you watch your dreams collapse in front of you?
When the sunset no longer satisfies, the most beautiful places in the world no longer hold their beauty, the fire that drove your passions has been put out and you wake up every morning hoping that this slow and painful descent into hell is just a bad nightmare.
This is the truth of how I have been feeling. My life no longer makes any sense to me. The light energy that drove me both powered by incredible passion to love and heal still seem so far out of reach and the dark energies that always would attach to the light passions have become exhausting, what is a persons option?
There was one other time I felt fed up with life, I felt like exiting this existence and that time was about ten years ago when I was a young teenager. Though the past decade hasn't been the most pleasant for me it has had it's shining moments and I have always been a fighter and dreamer. So what did I do for the past ten years? I raged. I drove my passions of life and a better world for all in the only way that I knew how and for 10 long years being pissed off and channeling into all of the betrayal, abandonment, abuse, resentment and heartache seemed to keep the flame lit. In fact in many ways I believe it may have saved my life.
If it wasn't for the extreme rage I felt and decided to use I often feel like I would have ended my life early. At 14 I used to say "Everyone has a masterpiece to paint before they die, I have already painted mine." which looking back 10 years later I realize was TOTALLY inaccurate. I have things to do here before I go, big things full of light..but what do you do when it feels like the whole world is working against you?
The difference now from when I was a young teenager is that I no longer have the desire to rage, it's exhausting. That coupled with the fact that the idealist/dreamer or as I've been called "the John Lennon's "Imagine" phase" has worn off. As the worlds darkness persists and it's people continue to refuse to deal with the ROOT of the problem at it's CORE there seems to be no sense in *trying* to help anything. When I was 14 sure I was angsty but I was also driven. Driven to get it right, to pull back the mask of truth, even at a young age TRUTH is always what mattered to me most and the truth I have discovered over the past ten years has both a light and dark side to the coin and sadly...the dark side is winning.
The light side of the TRUTH coin has shown itself to me in that everybody is driven to love. Love seems to be the beginning, middle and end for us in this existence. No power has proven to be quite as powerful in all of the right ways..except it's one rival, hate.
The dark side of the TRUTH coin has shown itself to me in that *most people* are "inside the box" in spirit(which they refuse to acknowledge is real), emotionally controlled, mentally programmed and physically/materially deceived. The deception and seduction of the darkness is only so powerful because those people have never had a real good dose of light. Once the light shines in, even in the slightest of ways it becomes addicting and impossible to not want to embrace. Herein lies the problem though, the light can only survive against the dark if it is allowed to be and in order for that to truly happen to make a world of difference it would require a complete deconstruction of the human race, civilization and society as we know it. I have seen and felt the potential of our species and it's ability to fathom how vast the Universe is in all four major realms of spiritual, mental, emotional and physical.
A chain is only as strong as it's weakest link and our species is full of weak links and it's getting to the point that not even the strongest links can set a good enough example because the other chains in the neighborhood are made of gold and this one is only made of steel.
My frustrations and depressions go so far into the human psyche and overload with my simple statement I have been saying since I was 14 of "Question Everything!" and sometimes living amongst many many many many people who don't makes it aggravating and downright pointless. I cannot help that I see the world in a more idealistic manner than many and I also cannot help the fact that I think analyzing, feeling and attempting to apply the analyzed feelings is a wonderful thing but within a restrictive cage such as this current society? We will NEVER get things done.
There is a lot of work to be done and sadly I am not convinced that "holding the vision" will always work, time has shown and proven itself in showing that only two things lead to change.
1. A new idea that gets deep within the people and gets them to join your cause
2. Violent revolution
Sadly, also in our society the 2nd usually makes a bigger difference but only ends up creating more destruction, resentment, darkness and doesn't really change the spirit, hearts or minds of the people as much as it just gives them a new box to go in but every once in a while someone is effective with the first example...well..actually not exactly but there are those who try and I respect them, even when they end up eating lead for standing up for themselves and they generally share that same fate.
Every person that has told me I was crazy or that the idealistic dreamers vision of utopia couldn't even begin to come close to reality because of some bullshit excuse like "it's in our nature" or "it's too big to be done" has automatically decided to "sit on the couch" and become a spectator of life and loses damn near all(if not all)of their credibility with me. The fight is never done and the work will always need to be done and I wonder often if the majority of our species has ever heard the following quote...
"In order for ‘evil’ to prevail, all that need happen is for ‘good’ people to do nothing."
Sometimes folks in order to uproot the problem you have to be willing to face it! This is quite the paradox in my personal life as well, these problems I have been working up the courage to face in my own life have created an exhaustion beyond belief that I haven't even bothered really touching on "the human issue" this year. I spent the last few years raging over how neurotic and insipid our species is and have lost my energy for it however I knew I was onto something because I realize that it DOES in fact effect my life directly and those that would suggest otherwise I challenge them to mull on the following.
In 2008 when I started to travel at 21 years old I took what I like to call the "new age" vision or "holding the vision" attitude, in other words only one part of the reality and generally one that isn't embraced in our world. I walked onto a spiritual path and was called and started following this calling(even though I wasn't fully aware of it at the time). I figured that no evil could fall upon me or that nothing dark could touch me.
In 2009 and 2010 at the age of 22 and 23 I decided to look further into issues that are just as important, valid and a part of reality only I learned that many of these "new age" spiritual people didn't want to deal with this part of the reality because the massive amount of pain and shock that comes with admitting this is too much. I stepped off of the spiritual path for most of the past two years and dove into world events, politics, culture and how futile and stupid it all is but also realizing it's power and imprint on every bit of our lives from the moment we come out of our biological mothers body to the day we die, cradle to the grave!
I have come to learn that balance, ACCEPTANCE and ACKNOWLEDGEMENT of both the light and dark energies and the reality of the science of spirit and what we have allowed to be created on this planet is all relevant. You cannot have change or peace without turmoil and war, it's that simple. Weather it's a change or calming within there will always be a shift into the unknown, the unknown creates fear and what are we afraid of? Hurt. Our passionate heart and soul that has the power of spirit breathed into it is what drives us to live "The Golden Rule" and it doesn't matter where you're from, what religious/political background you may have, when you tap into the power of spirit and let the light shine in however it works for you then you have made that positive connection. On the other side our civilization and world tells us what to do, who we perceive ourselves to be and worst of all what we are allowed to express. Even though they can't control our thoughts they certainly can help manage them to their benefit. They can manage our minds with their poison, dig their hooks in deep to play our emotions for us, restrain or incarcerate our physical bodies and completely destroy our spirit by raising us in denial that our 6th sense and that the spiritual "dimension" is even authentic or real.
I have had compassion for people because I understand it is a lot to take in and when the Corporate Government, "rulers of the world" and other evil entities blindfold you, put headphones on your ears for you to listen to their rhetoric and tell you what to believe, put their hand over your mouth to silence you and tie your hands behind your back only to "raise" and "nurture" you synthetically like a plant grown with chemicals instead of water and sunlight to believe that you are free to use all of your senses when in reality you ARE their Manchurian Candidate it can take a lot to see the TRUTH and LIGHT of the situation. Most will not ask the truth and half of those few that do will not want to hear it once they start to hear it, I know firsthand..I was one of them.
I also have had no compassion and lack of patience for people when I was in my darkest place. I felt that those who did not stand up for their BIRTH RIGHT to be the best possible creation of human spirit they could be and BE ALL THAT THEY COULD BE(and no I'm not suggesting they join the Army)which is at a height that many will never reach because THEY CHOOSE not to but only within the restrictions of the majority rules. Having no compassion for people is a horrible feeling.
Finding balance in an unbalanced world that has a population of intelligent, creative and incredible animals(or the human species if we are speaking in "civilized terms") where that animal chooses to be far far far less than it's capable of is difficult for souls like me. There's a million and one things to factor in to the whole experience of life and the fact that what I say has very little value of any to the majority compared to if I were attempting to sell you some line of bullshit on the latest human rhetoric is sad.
In reality it's great to walk a spiritual path of integrity, to do your best to live the Golden Rule(after discovering what that means)and to keep yourself in the light as often as possible. Also in reality we have to accept that there is dark energies and they will only continue to grow if we don't get to the root of this cancer that has plagued our planet and until we are willing to stand up, acknowledge and take responsibility for the changes we want to see and accept truth, something we have never truly experienced in the world that has been carved up, managed and created by people possessed by darkness we will continue to watch our world collapse as well as our chance for personal evolution and healing for each and everyone of us.
This is a "new age" and within that we need new ideas based on energies, truths and creative capabilities that have been there all along. It's NOT "new age" to embrace a better world driven by Spirit, peace, love and light. That is the old age but since we are just awakening to this reality in small slivers it is a new concept and idea to embrace what has already existed. There is no way possible that we could have just found this because it was never lost it has only been hidden because darkness has gotten the upper hand and has been using so many people for it's vehicle.
If we truly want to walk in the light and "be all that we can be" then we need to do away with old ideas. It's not about what we think, it's about what truly is. All of this ego driven dark madness that exists in all of us can be purged and we ALL serve the darkness each and every day that we wake up and don't make a difference. Trying and succeeding are two different things, while trying is respectable and admirable it still doesn't accomplish anything. The only thing that can bring change is change and that is because change is effective weather we want it to be or not, weather it's change for the better or worse, for light or for dark.
Being a sensitive soul who is sensitive to the land, it's people, the creations all around and the rampaging dark energy that runs in every little corner of our creation we call "society" or "civilization" has been difficult for me. I have struggled with my personal demons and attempted to purge them however, since we are all connected by this code of energy I am only as light-filled or darkness-free as my weakest point which is shared by us all. Darkness is a part of life and I believe that "new age" people need to accept that reality. I also believe that the Light is the strongest energy and has one distinct advantage over the dark and that is when light comes in there is no place for the dark to hide, when the light shines the darkness scatters and instantly becomes light. Everyday is a constant battle between good and evil, light and dark, positive and negative, high and low vibration and it's silly to think that these things could both be completely eliminated because they are unified, two sides of the same coin. The staggering difference is the power which they hold.
Darkness doesn't have the power to destroy the light but can destroy the "carriers"(Carrier: human beings)and the world of the carriers therefore leaving darkness and light to continue it's battle only without us.
The Light doesn't have the power to destroy the darkness all by itself otherwise it would have done so therefore it recruits us. Both sides do, in fact.
The Light promises us a better tomorrow for ourselves and therefore a better tomorrow for everyone and gives us a true connection with what is in our DNA, gives us the unrestrained intimacy we always seek within ourselves and with others. The appreciation for nature and all of it's power and beauty. The true core of the human spirit.
The Darkness tempts us with our true passions and desires only it never delivers the promise that the light delivers. It's usually incredibly seductive and will attempt to disguise itself as the light for it's own benefit, it's goal is to use you as it see's fit. To erode your true nature to serve it's deceptive and destructive desires. It finds your weaknesses and exploits them in any way it's capable of.
The Light and Darkness are both aware of their own existence and the spiritual realm that our human species hasn't fully grasped yet. The Light attempts to embrace and interfere on our behalf and guide us as often as possible while the Darkness does not want us to know about the spiritual realm because if we did we would defeat it and therefore it would lose it's own power. Therefore the darkness gives us a sense of self that has driven us to this level of madness that we have created, our modern society with all of it's material excess, mistrust, possession, coveting and soul stripping doings. We cannot fight the darkness with more darkness, only the light can battle off the dark but we have to embrace it and all of the truths of it first.
I had to take a walk in the sea of darkness even without my own choosing because that's the world we have allowed our children to be birthed into and had to serve that darkness for a long time just to discover that I was being lied to and lead astray. The journey home to the light has been the most challenging and is becoming more challenging as time goes on and it's only for the one simple reason that we need to WAKE THE FUCK UP!
I have watched myself make dark decisions and others whom I love make dark decisions and within all this darkness lies more darkness, a never ending hole of pain, misery and hurt that oftentimes seems inescapable. When you express that you are not the only one sometimes people slide back into darkness while attempting to come out and feed it again, how long are we going to wait until the light has lost all of it's power?
I still have so much more to learn about the ways of the light and dark and the more I know the better equipped I will be in my decisions and choices I make in this lifetime. I want to know my enemy that stole me from my true self, raped me and told me this is who I am and all that I am worth, I want to study that darkness so I can assist in defeating it. I want to know who I really am, what I am truly capable of doing and how far the limits can be pushed! I want to return home and know it for the first time.
For those of you who know me you know that I have been going through a rough decade. September 2010 til now has in many ways been the most challenging part. It has been filled with the most hope, confidence, promise and light and at the same time has presented the biggest loss of faith I have ever encountered, no light at the end of the tunnel, suicidal feelings and thoughts have resurfaced for the first time in 10 years and the belief that darkness is the only place to which I can descend.
I am tired of watching us hand our power over the darkness, myself included. The only problem is I can't do it alone, you can't do it alone, WE CAN'T DO IT ALONE! It takes all of us and maybe at the least most of us to make this shift. Until we get back in touch with our true selves and ask for the truth and be willing and open to receive it our experience and reality that we will create will be more of the same. Some of us are obvious lightworkers and others of us will be called to wear the "cloak of darkness" in order to extract other dark energies and commodities and bring them to the light as if we were undercover agents. I happen to feel that I am being called to play both roles and in that I have not found the balance I yet need. I am not comfortable with being a lightworker in an age that isn't ready for the reality of lightworkers where our whole kind could be threatened as if we were witches to be burned at the stake. I am also not comfortable with wearing the "cloak of darkness" and becoming a splinter cell within the ranks of darkness, I think the time is coming where we need to be obvious, where we need to show our light and let it shine..no more of these undercover games. Can't you see it does nothing for the evolution into the light or for our spiritual ascension to stay "in the box" and play the game? Billions strong standing in the light gathered by people all over the world from all walks of life to face the darkness in it's final hour.
This IS all possible people, if only we believe AND act on truth! Faith takes action too! As a young twenty-something year old I once believed but I am losing faith in this possibility and it's not because I don't believe it can still happen, I'm just starting to see that we don't really want it, we are scared and that has kept us paralyzed. I am doing what so many folks do as they grow tired of walking tall in their beliefs, I am growing old and settling for less than I'd want for myself or any other. I feel unable to chase away the dark energies because they run rampant and sometimes when I look for the light and it's no where to be found I find the darkness incredibly seductive, I start to believe that it is the stronger of the two, it starts to use me in anyway it see's fit and how does that happen? Because the hurt I feel by peoples unwillingness and inability to embrace the light and QUESTION EVERYTHING that it's hopeless, the darkness slips in and the illusion of being lost sets in.
It's simple and goes back to something I have said many, many, many times on both spiritual and political aspects of life...
REVOLUTION: If YOU Want It!!!
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth." - Henry David Thoreau
-Zachary Hill 2011(C)
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