Almost heaven, Arizona. Red rock mountains, Colorado river *sings*...hope you guys don't mind me changing a John Denver classic ;)
What a year this has been! Some of the greatest moments of my life and some of the worst. Wow!
Tonight I took some time to reflect step by step all of the traveling I had done this year and I will say taking a week to hole up in a hotel room in Flagstaff, Arizona has proven useful! I haven't had a chance to really reflect and sit still by myself since I left Illinois in mid-January. I have had more trips both short and long this year than I can recall and this has been by far the longest I've been away from "home"(if I could have ever called Illinois that to begin with!)and it has been quite a ride. Let's recap shall we?
January 2011 - I left Illinois on the "Big Bear Journey 2011" heading toward Roz' house in Big Bear, CA which took me through Iowa to South Dakota for my drivers license and then through Nebraska and Kansas to New Mexico where I showed Taos a little love and visited Santa Fe(and sadly Albuquerque to replace my laptop cord, can I ever go through NM without having to go through that dump?! wink wink hint hint to the man upstairs!). From New Mexico I rolled into Arizona/Utah to answer my deep urge to go to Monument Valley. I took the instructions that James Earl Jones gave me(I didn't know James Earl Jones did the voice of God too!)and headed to Flagstaff/Sedona to rendezvous and fall in love with Sara-zona. Went from Sedona to Quartzsite where I met up with Roz and slept under a full moon in the back of her SUV. Went from Quartzsite to the Salton Sea/Slab City and Salvation Mountain then arriving in BIG BEAR LAKE!
February 2011 - While staying with Roz in Big Bear Lake I rolled down to Joshua Tree National Park in Cali to meet up with Sara for a wonderful two night camping trip. I went to San Bernardino with Roz and then Los Angeles to purchase my current home that I have been living in for a little over four months(can't count the past few weeks though!)and sold my car. I then headed down to Indio to go gambling with Sara and then I returned to the Salton Sea/Slab City and Salvation Mountain with her as well for some van style camping and then back up to Big Bear!
March 2011 - What a crazy month, this is where the tide turned from some of the greatest times in my life to some of the worst, however I did get to travel a lot! Early March saw me driving BACK down to Los Angeles to pick up my friend Ken at LAX to which we took a ride down the southern California coast through Huntington Beach, Newport Beach, Oceanside, Carlsbad, Encinitas, Del Mar, Coronado, La Jolla, Dana Point and a few others eventually arriving at his cousins house for a few days in San Diego! I rolled through Escondido and Temecula on the way back up to Big Bear Lake where I stayed until the 2nd week of March then it was off to Phoenix! Another stroll through Joshua Tree National Park and then spending my first night alone officially living in my van full time in Quartzsite!(RV/Van Snowbird capital of the West!)I rolled into Phoenix the following morning to see Sara. During my time in the Valley of the Smog...err..Sun I spent time/nights in Glendale, Mesa, Tempe, Scottsdale and went van-camping with Sara in Apache Junction. In late March right before being asked to leave Phoenix I took another stroll up to Sedona for some introspection and thats exactly what I got. I did not expect to leave Phoenix on such a note so the plans/what was in the works had shifted a bit and so I rolled on back into California and all the way up to Castaic north of LA, what a drive! I then drove up to Grants Pass, Oregon and spent the night, then Portland, Oregon for a few days AND THEEEEN a quick drive into Washington through Seattle up to San Juan Islands FRIDAY HARBOR!
April 2011 - The entire month of April is a lost blur in my life. I spent the whole time on SJI/Friday Harbor.
May 2011 - I remained in Friday Harbor but took a trip on my moped(which I purchased on the island)to Orcas Island/Eastsound, Washington.
June 2011 - First week of June I needed some further introspection so I decided to take the ferry back into Washington's mainland and drove up to Vancouver, British Columbia to spend the night. Next day was off to Vancouver Island to the city of Victoria and Nanaimo and eventually to Tofino for the night. Back to SJI and then in mid June to Lopez Island.
July 2011 - Left SJI to head toward southern Washington to the Rainbow Gathering. A trip down the Oregon 101 highway to spend the 4th of July in Coos Bay, Oregon watching fireworks from the casino. Then it was down through the Redwood Forest of California to Redding, CA for the night. I drove to San Francisco and then spent the night in the hole known as Buttonwillow, CA(outside Bakersfield a.k.a hell)which then lead me BACK to Big Bear Lake to visit Roz for a week and a half or so which included a day trip down to San Diego and another one down to Apple Valley! I departed Big Bear for Arizona about a week ago heading into Phoenix for the first night and then up to Flagstaff/Sedona. A trip to Jerome and Prescott has also taken place and the month isn't over yet!
Back to "the mission"...with it being a rough year I have been all over and spent all kinds of money I don't have. When I saw things going one way and a decision out of my hands lead it down another direction I didn't know quite what to do with that, considering the massiveness of the situation.
For those of you that talk to me or have followed my adventures this year you'll know that I have had difficulty with a situation that went sour here in Arizona earlier this winter. Now Arizona has always had a lot of magic for me...in 2008 it was the destination of my first adventure the "West Coast Journey 2008" and I fell in love with all of it's landscape and much of the energy, I also made a lifelong friend in Roz whom was my land lady in Sedona at the time. Arizona is also home to 3 of my top 5 places I've ever been being Sedona, the Grand Canyon and Monument Valley(which is shared with Utah). In 2011 Monument Valley was added to that list seeing as to how I had found a way to drive past it in 2008(wtf!), also in 2011 I was guided to meet up with someone I had kept in touch with on and off for a year and a half or so and the result? I fell madly in love and where else other than in Sedona under the first full moon of the new year! It isn't that often in a person's lifetime they get to drive with the headlights off under the moonlight of SEDONA after sharing an indian drumming ceremony with a new lover! I would say I'm incredibly blessed and grateful for that experience, among many others. Also in 2011 I had the misfortune of departing my favorite state under a heartbreaking and devastating situation and to top it off I left Arizona from it's biggest hole, Phoenix. AND agaaaaain in 2011 I have been called back to..guess where?...ARIZONA!
My summer visit to Arizona has proven to work it's magic again. I know why I had to come back here, I had to reclaim my power from how I left here last time and I also had to remember why Arizona meant so much to me for the past 3 years and that there was more to it for me than just my time with Sara(though that will always remain a big part, it wasn't everything).
My first night back in Arizona I quickly realized after crossing the border that I needed to return to Phoenix. I rolled into Phoenix a little after midnight and made a few stops to help clear and release some emotions(during one of the stops I asked my angels for protection and to help me keep my integrity in check and they showed up in numbers and feeling). Before checking into my hotel room for the night I decided to roll by the house Sara is staying at and I'll tell you it's the strangest feeling looking at the car of someone I love and knowing that they are about 15 feet away inside the house knowing that the situation is completely different from the last time I was there by that house and looking at that car. Not the most pleasant of moments but one that felt like it needed to be done. I didn't knock on the door, I didn't call and I didn't leave a note. No trace that I had stopped by and I figured if she was outside or had encountered me during my release then so be it, it would have been meant to be and in many ways I believe on that night it was best that it wasn't meant to be. I slept like shit at the hotel that night, not due to the weather but partially due to the nights events but more so to do with the fact that Phoenix' energy is really bad for me.
Next morning I woke up and headed to South Mountain in Phoenix. South Mountain was the place where I spent a few wonderful nights with Sara and also where I confessed what I was shown by the Universe over the time we had been together and what I saw in Sedona a day or so beforehand and what I was feeling about us and our relationship while under March's full "supermoon" where the coyotes came out in a pack to howl right in front of us and sadly South Mountain was also the place where she decided to sever ties and was the last place I spoke with her sooooooo naturally being in town I felt the need to go to the top of the mountain and release some more. When I felt intuitively pulled to return to PHX I always saw myself on top of South Mountain so I knew this was a pivotal place. I spent some time up there in the hot ass weather having the mountain top by myself. I did what I had to do(and the only thing I could do at this point)before rolling back down the mountain and heading out of Phoenix towards Flagstaff.
I arrived in Flagstaff last Wednesday and felt the desire to hang around the area for a while so I checked into a flea bag motel on Route 66 for a week(one day left before I have to check out). Since I have been in northern Arizona this summer I have taken a few trips to Sedona where I have gone up on top of my favorite spot, Airport Mesa and worked on manifestation. I also took a ride to Jerome and Prescott the other day which are both places I've wanted to visit and hadn't done so until now.
I was being pulled toward Taos, New Mexico but after that area caught fire the Universe stopped sending me signs to go there and shifted me towards Sedona, which I think worked out for the better anyways because I needed to come back to Flagstaff and Sedona to further clear the Sara energy off of me.
Since I have been in Flagstaff(and Sedona) I have felt more suicidal than I can recall in a long time, even more so than some of the time I was on SJI(on SJI I didn't think about it everyday nor did I feel like I may actually do it to the point of feeling like my hands were not in my control anymore). Today was the worst part of it, I rolled into Sedona feeling fairly decent and on the way out found it hard to keep myself from plowing the van through the guard rail on Oak Creek Canyon, I figure Sedona would be the ideal place to go. I believe that a person has to hit rock bottom before they can really see clearly, a sobering experience I guess.
Everytime in my life I have hit rock bottom the Universe has sent me something or guided me. When I was 14 I made a deal with God, I said "if you don't have something for me soon, I'm gone" and about a week later my step-dad came into the picture providing some sort of family life experience that I had always wanted. I hadn't thought of killing myself since then, until this year and that isn't to say that I haven't had a lot of really horrible and rough shit in the past 10 years, I have. I spent more time the past 10 years thinking about killing all of the people that pissed me off but never myself, I felt too good to do that. I hit the wall at the end of 2010 but still hadn't considered suicide, just considered a much needed life change, so I took the leap of faith and asked to be sent what I needed and to be cradled and surely enough, I was. Roz gave me a place to stay for nearly 2 months, I had the funds to purchase my at the time "dream home" being the van and unexpectedly I was sent Sara. I was not looking for a relationship, in fact it was the last thing I wanted but from all of the guidance I had started to follow it was what I was supposed to be involving myself with. After all of the signs we had both received and all of the commonalities, the messages, the synergy and synchronicities she allowed her fear to over power her and pulled the cord on the connection, completely. Wouldn't even speak to me. Sooooooo to make the long story short I slipped into another crisis(fun fun fun!), it brought up all kinds of shit that I had already started to address only it brought it to my plate quicker and made it more confusing, the whole van experience has been ruined because of this situation, my debt is again through the roof, I have let my health go completely again annnnnnnnd the worst part is I lost my faith, passion and my love for travel. None of that has been completely regained and I believe firmly that it will take a while for the wounds to heal and the scars never go away but I will say that I am slowly but surely rediscovering myself and the things I love. I find myself grateful for the loved ones in my life, those whom have taken me in and sheltered me during this storm, those that have spent time on the phone with me or taken the time to check up on my blog entries and see how I'm doing and most of all those who have made me laugh during this dark night of the soul, it has been the best thing during this hellish period these past few months. I certainly am blessed to have so many wonderful soul family members I wonder if it could get any better in that department!!
I may stay in Arizona a bit longer but I am really feeling that my time is done here(for now, of course..I'm not likely to ever be done with any of the southwestern states!). If I find something clicking for me in Sedona in the next few days, I may stay..otherwise I'm feeling I may be off to Colorado for a while, which when I feel it out and think about it...feels good to me!
It's 7:30AM and I'm still not asleep....ZzZzZzzzzZzzz....
The introspection in Arizona has again proven beneficial. On to better days! Thank You everyone for your love, support and help. I'm fairly certain that without your love this year I would have already copied Thelma and Louise by driving into the Grand Canyon.
Right now what I need is some fun, faith and to see a friendly face even if it means going to Denver!
And lets not forget MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =:D
Until next time...
-Zachary =:)
Written: Flagstaff, Arizona 2011
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