The Great Divide

**DISCLAIMER: This entry was written with raw emotion as a release. Structure, punctuation and content may bounce around a lot**

I was afraid to get sexually intimate with Heidi because I was afraid of being vulnerable to another human being after being betrayed by my father and other figures I looked to for love in my childhood and young adult life. I fell deeply in love with Heidi and was always terrified of making love through actual sex with her, I was of course worried about getting her pregnant and I was also worried that I would jeopardize my traveling if I gave myself completely over to someone whom I knew was going to become stationary and live the 9 to 5 type of lifestyle and I knew was going to be hired in Will County, Illinois. I cherish Heidi and have decided to use my time with her as a positive fuel for my fire. I lost out on beautiful opportunities with her because I was so caught up in my hurt and hatred for everything, not to mention my fears as well. When I look at pictures of Heidi and I now I often cringe or cry because I realize that I so often took her for granted. She was loyal and almost always put me first, her love was the closest thing I had ever experienced to unconditional with the exception of a few others(such as my mother). Taking her love and her presence for granted was the high price I paid to learn not to take anyone for granted. I've walked around in raging anger and suffering for almost my entire life, I won't have it anymore..I will not keep hurting myself and in turn hurting others...or hurting others and in turn hurting myself. I am worthy of love...Heidi taught me that. I am an amazing being with amazing powers and abilities filled with a world of wonder to share! Since I have left Illinois I have learned to squeeze more of the juice out of life and my relationships..I hesitate less, I laugh more often, I analyze less, I *FEEL* more often. I don't resist the flow quite as much...I live, learn and love a lot easier and freer. I am becoming the free spirit that has been buried within for so long..

I give my burdens to the Universe and choose to serve a higher power. In return I am washed clean every moment of every day. I want to live...I CHOOSE to live.

I was out in the yard moving firewood around today and I had a vision of my father living happily in Georgia, or perhaps imagining that he would be happier living in Georgia. This vision brought on the realization that it was time...

It's time for me to come to terms with my feelings toward my father, my greatest challenge yet. The challenge that upon completion will allow me my right to passage. Everything else up until this point has been practice for this moment. My father has been my biggest inspiration for a lot of the "wrong reasons". I am grateful for what he has done for me..the pain, hurt and fear he has caused in my childhood and throughout my whole life and the scars he has left on me have given me the opportunity to learn in the deepest depths all about forgiveness.


Although he may not have been a great parent, he has been my greatest teacher. To learn to Love and Forgive someone that has done so much damage in my life that it has taken 24 years and destroying a lot of things that I love(d) in the process of digging myself out from the rage, pain, fear and emptiness inside that his behavior buried me under is more powerful and freeing than anything else I have ever experienced. Accompanied with accepting that *I* am responsible for my behavior as I cross into manhood, that *I* have a CHOICE to not be like him and to not repeat his behaviors, *I* take my power back through love and forgiveness. He is sick, as I once was. He has ruined everything in his life and is now a lonely and empty elder man, as I may have done had I not made the CHOICE to break the cycle he had set for me. To know that he is just a scared and hurt little child in an old mans body, to know that he was never able to resolve his childhood issues, to know that if he could have done better, he would have. To know that I have become a teacher similiar to him in Heidi's life due to my actions. To know that I have deeply hurt people the way he had hurt me simply because he had hurt me and to know that he hurt me because someone or something hurt him. How can I stay angry with a scared, hurt and sick child? How can I ever expect Alyssa, Heidi or anyone I have ever hurt deeply to forgive me if I can't forgive my father or myself? How can I share my brightest light inside and my love with the world if I can't even let go of how a fellow human being has treated me? How can I forgive and love myself if I judge my father for his actions in an illusion of seperateness...I now ask the most important question...how can I give?


When you forgive, you love. And when you love God's light shines on you.


When I come out on the other side of these feelings I can finally free myself up to walk a path of service to the light that has always been there for me and never closed it's door, even when I was crawling around in darkness and could not see. Both light and darkness always leave their door open to you, it's a choice you have to make as to which one you will serve. Darkness has never offered me anything that has ever resulted in anything positive, loving or healthy for my mind, body, soul and emotions. With the door of darkness closing I look forward down the recently opened door of light, the Universe sent two of it's best role models in sending me the visions of Jesus and Buddha, two of the most loving, forgiving and selfless images our world has known, I guess the Universe knows I have a thick head and sometimes it takes a few tries or a big kick in the face to get me to see...well..I finally am starting to see.


"Without the light one remains in darkness and therefore remains blind." - Zachary Hill


Thank You.

Written: Big Bear Lake, California 2011