Arisen From The Ashes

After a long time of self sabotage, hurting myself, destroying things I love and going on unforgiven I have finally come to a point where the path is clear. I know what needs to be done to move forward and take this life to new heights, to squeeze every juicy drop out of it. As I move closer to the lifestyle I've manifested I quickly realize that after my adventures to the oceanfront on March 4th occur it will be time to march forth into my newly discovered self. A self that has risen from my own self created ashes like the Phoenix to start a new journey, on a new and lighter path. It just so happens that my first destination on this new journey in my new home will be to visit someone who I am learning from, sharing and loving with..a fellow Phoenix from a similar cold hellhole in the midwest...also a similar background of ashes to arise from. On March 8th 2011 I will come down off the mountain I have ascended into Big Bear country after drinking the purifying waters of it's lake and take myself, my new home and new adventures down into the valleys below. Making my first stop a rather appropriate one, to a place that bears the name of what I have become.

Destination: Phoenix, Arizona.


=:) ...my time has finally come. I give my thanks to my friends and family(one and the same really)that have helped me get here, that have been patient with my self-destruction. It's been a scary ride but it's been all the more manageable thanks to all of you. Here's to loving, living, laughing and walking the path of light each and every day! I pray you all will do the same!

-Zachary <3


Written: Big Bear Lake, California 2011

Forever Young

It wasn't too long ago I was preparing to move out of my parents house in Joliet, Illinois to move in with my friend Roz out in California for a while to allow myself some time for things to come to me. I now prepare myself to move out of Roz' and into my own home, my recent van purchase.

I took the van down to Indio, CA for a few days and met up with my wonderful love, Sara. I have found comfort in a lot of different things in my life lately on a level that I have never experienced prior to coming out here.

For one I feel a lot more calmed..of course there are still days that don't *feel* the best and times when I still rage but it seems to be more momentary and doesn't carry out for an entire day or worse yet, day after day like it used to. Not that I had any doubt but I am willing to say here and now that leaving Illinois has been one of the best things I have ever done with my life, both in 2008 and 2011.

I left behind Joliet, Illinois and the rest of what had become an incredibly depressing and uninspired life I was "living" there on January 13th 2011 and yet it has already felt like I've been gone for a year! With the exception of missing loved ones I cannot say I'd ever want to go back.

Since I have left Illinois I have found myself more confident, I have more clarity, I have manifested a lot more positive change, my heart has deeply connected to a wonderful spirit in Sara, I have shared countless laughs and psychic insight back n forth with Roz, purchased my starter home 1990 Dodge Ram van to hit the road in, traveled around the southern California area, took another awesome road trip to get out here and much more!

In less than two weeks I roll down off the mountain that I worked my way to the top of to see what was down below. I cannot say that when I leave here I will leave empty handed...let me explain.


I came up here in search of clarity..in search of direction. I now realize that the two people I have needed to forgive most for the past 24 years have been my biological father and myself. I have been working on both of us and being in a positive place such as Big Bear Lake, around a positive loving and helpful friend such as Roz and by just allowing my Inner Self to connect with Source and let the Universe do the directing my life has become lighter. There are still a lot of things I need to sort out and allow to happen and life is a work in progress, as am I but for once I *FEEL* good, I *FEEL* hopeful, I *FEEL* confident...I *FEEL* a lighter path forming.


In my personal life I have a wonderful family that ranges from people back in Illinois like my Grandparents, my mother, Ed, Scott and so on. I also have other wonderful family and people I love scattered across the world..Ken, Roz, Trish and of course my most recent heart connection, Sara. =:) and new friends on the horizon!

In my past I have lessons that I have learned from. Both painful and pleasant experiences that cannot be altered or changed because I have already lived, loved and learned from them. People I have cared for a loved deeply that have faded, people I still love and care for that have evolved into different connections. Places I've been that I have revisited that now take on a different energy and meaning.

In my future I have many miles to put under my tires and feet while traveling this beautiful globe I inhabit. Meeting countless people to laugh, love and share myself with...to learn about who they are. I have abundance to look forward to..attracting income by doing things that I love and enjoy doing that other people have a need for. A willingness to roll with the changes and go with the flow to see what develops in all departments of my life.

Best of all in my present I have the most precious thing life can give me, this moment. I have within my abilities and hands the power to repeat the past or continue to make the much needed changes to provide myself with a future that I desire. To manifest and attract the things I would love to see...here is a little bit of what I am working with right now and how I look forward to shaping the gifts I have been given...

Hobbies/Passions - I love photography, its no secret to anybody who knows me. I've been dancing around the idea of getting a professional camera to work my art in ways that my current camera cannot do. I have a Facebook page for my photography, a new cell phone number for it, business cards are on their way to me in the mail and I've been taking pictures like crazy!!! Best of all I have discovered that Sara(who is also a wonderful photographer)inspires me and makes me want to branch further into my own photographic work. I find myself catching more details as I open my heart more to the energy of life and therefore I am able to catch more on camera in a more creative way.

Business - It's nice to know that I can combine my hobbies/passions into a business setting if I just work things the right way and stay persistent. That I can attract financial abundance doing things I don't find compromising to my integrity or that piss me off or bore me to death. This is a scary topic for me but it's the next one I am beginning to face head on. Good things are coming my way in the business department.

Activism - I am starting to tap into ways to get more involved in politics, activism and making a difference in ways that are effective and non-destructive.

Living Situation - I am becoming less scared and more excited about moving into my van. I am struggling a bit with the fear of what it may do to me in this society but as usual I will walk my own path and find my own way of doing things and dealing with the minor downfalls. I'm SOOO excited! =:D

Direction - Since I was called at the Integratron by Jesus and Buddha I have been looking for ways to tap into helping others and making my life one of service. First I have to serve myself which leads to the next topic...

Forgiveness - Coming to terms with what my fathers behavior did to my life has not been an easy thing to accept. I still find myself at times deeply hurt and angered by his actions regardless of the reasons why he chose to act in such ways. On the upside I have been able to break down a lot of these barriers, which has been incredibly healing and wonderful! As for forgiving myself for my behavior it has been just as difficult. I still carry regrets and guilt from time to time but the more I remind myself that I was acting out of hurt and that I am a product of what I've been exposed to the easier it gets to move forward and take responsibility.

Love Life - This has been an unexpected and surprisingly sweet one! I've finally connected with someone who I mesh with incredibly well on a spiritual, emotional, mental and physical level which I have never experienced all four with one person at once until now! I look at my prior love interests and relationships with gratitude for teaching and challenging me in ways that are allowing me to have a stronger connection now with Sara. We challenge one another in a way that is helping break down walls and barriers that have been installed and conditioned in us since we were young. Both sharing similar backgrounds and childhoods as well as interests and passions I find that we compliment one another nicely and help one another heal. I truly do believe this is one of those situations where we can have our cake and eat it too! I look forward to see what unravels! =:D <3

My Ego - It has shrunk a lot since the sobering things that happened late last summer and everything since. As I get ready to leave Big Bear I walk into the world looking to leave as much of my ego in the past as possible, along with anything else that is not serving.

My Authentic Self - This has been a huge process of emergence for me the past few years(since roughly late 2007). Life is a developmental process in which the past few years have brought about more change than any other part of my life. I look to tap further into myself than ever, once and for all breaking away from all inauthenticities and learning to love my true nature, my true self that my ego has kept locked away for so long. Learning to love with open arms and an open heart, which brings me back to my love life, family & friends and connection with Source!

My Dreams & Desires - I am beginning to live my dreams. Many people choose to never pursue them and some people never have the chance to live them. I have made the choice to pursue them and I am being given the opportunity to live them! I have wanted to live in a van and travel now for two years, that is less than 2 weeks away! I have always wanted to learn to love myself and tap deeply into ALL of my creativity, that has started to happen and is only getting better with time(and age!). I have always wanted a loving and compatible partner whom I connected with in all the vital ways(spiritual, emotional, mental AND physical are all required!)on a deep level, I have had some beneficial, beautiful and pleasant(as well as not so pleasant)relationships but I have yet to experience anything that I could see lasting beyond a few years at best...until now. I have wanted to live in gratitude and walk a path of love, light, joy and peace..that process has begun. I have wanted to travel ever since I started to fall in love with nature when I went up to Wisconsin for my vacation in 2007 while working at Dow Chemical and now I've been to 46 states, Mexico and Canada and have much much more to look forward to!

My Intuition, Instinct, Psychic Ability and Connection with Source - I decided to align myself with the Spirit of Light after allowing the darkness to overpower me for many years. I am still transitioning but do so with concrete intentions and willpower to continue to step into the light. My capacity to feel, know, sense and understand has deepened immensely since I had my wake up call late last summer and even more so since I've left Illinois and came up the mountain here in California.


Well folks, that is really all I have to say for now(as if that hasn't been a mouthful!). For once, life is good because I *CHOSE* to make it good. I decided to sign a contract with a new team, I decided to step into the light. I have been paying for my sins and karma has been interesting in the ways it has given pleasure and pain both. I look forward to waking up each day and to what little beautiful details the day offers and to what is on the horizon!

In conclusion, I have a group of people whom I love and whom love me, oxygen in my lungs, a beautiful natural planet to explore, a simple and non-materialistic home, plenty of non-natural societal based things to begin actively and effectively protesting against, many beautiful creations to create through photography, writing, music and other artistic outlets, all 6 senses function wonderfully, I am passionate about living and giving and best of all..I'm in love with life in it's natural state and a wonderful goofy native cheesehead that has a spirit that shines just as bright as mine. ;) :P

I AM BLESSED! :)

THANK YOU! <3


Written: Big Bear Lake, California 2011

Rover, Wanderer, Nomad, Va(n)gabond, Call Me What You Will...

On Saturday 2-12-11 I drove down to Beverly Hills, California to buy my starter home for a grand total of $2100, cash! My purchase was built in 1990 and manufactured by Dodge, though I never thought I'd own a Dodge again, it seems to have happened..maybe so I can get it right this time.

In case I forgot to mention the reason my home was so cheap has nothing to do with the decline in the housing market since 2007 but more to do with the fact that its a VAN!

Everybody and anybody who has known me since late 2008 has known that I've been feverishly sick about living in a van since around that time, hell I even purchased a 2000 Dodge Ram 3500 maxi van to do the trick back in 2009, though the purchase of that vehicle lead to making a wonderful friend, making me some money and even a trip up to Michigan in the autumn of 2009, it never served the purpose I was intending for it. When I sold the 2000 Ram I slipped even further into depression feeling my dreams had been crushed. I then realized that when the time was right I would purchase another van and actually make it happen!

I was hoping to buy a Class B RV(fully self contained van conversion really)but after seeing the prices on these anywhere from $6500(low end) to $95,000(high end) I was a bit concerned. I don't have even enough cash to buy anything on the low end. So what did I do? I did what every other person does while getting fucked by a system that threw us overboard 40 years ago, I settled.

I settled for a few things I normally would never settle for...a van that is not fully self contained, a van that is not extended with the extra four feet I'd love to have, a 5.2L Dodge(way underpowered compared to the powerful 5.9L)...did I mention it was a Dodge?

Either way I am rather pleased with my purchase and thankful that I was able to make it, buying this van can lead to me living a life of material simplicity that I have been striving for, allowing me to travel to all of the wonders I'd love to see, assisting me in not paying a landlord tons of money for a place in some crowded suburbs and best of all keeping me away from buying a home in this modern world we inhabit...you know, the house you live in that you never fucking own.

I don't have to listen to the town ordnance tell me to keep my grass cut, or that I can only have 3 cars on my driveway, that I have to have garbage disposal or else I'll be fined, that I don't have to pay property taxes for shit I don't agree with, I don't get to "own" a small piece of land...instead the whole world is my backyard and in the way it was intended to be, SHARED BY EVERYONE!(I'd like to thank the REAL Americans(better known as Native Americans) for this bit of insight). There are some luxuries I will miss from living in a house, no doubt. All that matters to me is that I do this, I feel I would regret it if I never gave this lifestyle a shot.

I look forward to the excitement of what this lifestyle will bring, I look forward to the simplicity, the nature I will be able to engulf myself in on a daily basis, the people I will meet, the roads I will be taken down(both literally and spiritually), the knowledge that I don't need a lot of space or tons of cash to live the life I want. To exit society as much as possible and find balance in the real world that was here long before we scarred it hoping never to have to return to the rat race or regular everyday "normal" lifestyle of the 9-5 person.

Although it's uncertain just how long my va(n)gabonding will ensue, one thing is almost certain when it comes to my beliefs and feelings...

My spirit remains free only when it isn't weighted by society and our worlds culture. This is just the physical step to assist in that spiritual, mental and emotional journey into disconnecting and unplugging from the illusion that we have created as I move into connecting with the reality of the world that has been forgotten and is needed now more than ever for any soul to truly live life.

This is my first step into my own adulthood, I'm getting that scared and fearful feeling that hits right before the leap of faith is taken. I can and will do this...my spirit and life depends on it.


Thank You.

Written: Big Bear Lake, California 2011

The Great Divide

**DISCLAIMER: This entry was written with raw emotion as a release. Structure, punctuation and content may bounce around a lot**

I was afraid to get sexually intimate with Heidi because I was afraid of being vulnerable to another human being after being betrayed by my father and other figures I looked to for love in my childhood and young adult life. I fell deeply in love with Heidi and was always terrified of making love through actual sex with her, I was of course worried about getting her pregnant and I was also worried that I would jeopardize my traveling if I gave myself completely over to someone whom I knew was going to become stationary and live the 9 to 5 type of lifestyle and I knew was going to be hired in Will County, Illinois. I cherish Heidi and have decided to use my time with her as a positive fuel for my fire. I lost out on beautiful opportunities with her because I was so caught up in my hurt and hatred for everything, not to mention my fears as well. When I look at pictures of Heidi and I now I often cringe or cry because I realize that I so often took her for granted. She was loyal and almost always put me first, her love was the closest thing I had ever experienced to unconditional with the exception of a few others(such as my mother). Taking her love and her presence for granted was the high price I paid to learn not to take anyone for granted. I've walked around in raging anger and suffering for almost my entire life, I won't have it anymore..I will not keep hurting myself and in turn hurting others...or hurting others and in turn hurting myself. I am worthy of love...Heidi taught me that. I am an amazing being with amazing powers and abilities filled with a world of wonder to share! Since I have left Illinois I have learned to squeeze more of the juice out of life and my relationships..I hesitate less, I laugh more often, I analyze less, I *FEEL* more often. I don't resist the flow quite as much...I live, learn and love a lot easier and freer. I am becoming the free spirit that has been buried within for so long..

I give my burdens to the Universe and choose to serve a higher power. In return I am washed clean every moment of every day. I want to live...I CHOOSE to live.

I was out in the yard moving firewood around today and I had a vision of my father living happily in Georgia, or perhaps imagining that he would be happier living in Georgia. This vision brought on the realization that it was time...

It's time for me to come to terms with my feelings toward my father, my greatest challenge yet. The challenge that upon completion will allow me my right to passage. Everything else up until this point has been practice for this moment. My father has been my biggest inspiration for a lot of the "wrong reasons". I am grateful for what he has done for me..the pain, hurt and fear he has caused in my childhood and throughout my whole life and the scars he has left on me have given me the opportunity to learn in the deepest depths all about forgiveness.


Although he may not have been a great parent, he has been my greatest teacher. To learn to Love and Forgive someone that has done so much damage in my life that it has taken 24 years and destroying a lot of things that I love(d) in the process of digging myself out from the rage, pain, fear and emptiness inside that his behavior buried me under is more powerful and freeing than anything else I have ever experienced. Accompanied with accepting that *I* am responsible for my behavior as I cross into manhood, that *I* have a CHOICE to not be like him and to not repeat his behaviors, *I* take my power back through love and forgiveness. He is sick, as I once was. He has ruined everything in his life and is now a lonely and empty elder man, as I may have done had I not made the CHOICE to break the cycle he had set for me. To know that he is just a scared and hurt little child in an old mans body, to know that he was never able to resolve his childhood issues, to know that if he could have done better, he would have. To know that I have become a teacher similiar to him in Heidi's life due to my actions. To know that I have deeply hurt people the way he had hurt me simply because he had hurt me and to know that he hurt me because someone or something hurt him. How can I stay angry with a scared, hurt and sick child? How can I ever expect Alyssa, Heidi or anyone I have ever hurt deeply to forgive me if I can't forgive my father or myself? How can I share my brightest light inside and my love with the world if I can't even let go of how a fellow human being has treated me? How can I forgive and love myself if I judge my father for his actions in an illusion of seperateness...I now ask the most important question...how can I give?


When you forgive, you love. And when you love God's light shines on you.


When I come out on the other side of these feelings I can finally free myself up to walk a path of service to the light that has always been there for me and never closed it's door, even when I was crawling around in darkness and could not see. Both light and darkness always leave their door open to you, it's a choice you have to make as to which one you will serve. Darkness has never offered me anything that has ever resulted in anything positive, loving or healthy for my mind, body, soul and emotions. With the door of darkness closing I look forward down the recently opened door of light, the Universe sent two of it's best role models in sending me the visions of Jesus and Buddha, two of the most loving, forgiving and selfless images our world has known, I guess the Universe knows I have a thick head and sometimes it takes a few tries or a big kick in the face to get me to see...well..I finally am starting to see.


"Without the light one remains in darkness and therefore remains blind." - Zachary Hill


Thank You.

Written: Big Bear Lake, California 2011

Answering To A Higher Calling

Today I went with Roz to the INTEGRATRON in Landers, California. What a trip! When we arrived we were greeted by a guy who went by the nickname of "Tron". As soon as I introduced myself and told him my name was Zac he told me all the Zacs he has met are powerful and strong, he also told me he could tell I give a shit about what people think with my shirt and bandanna..my kind've guy.

That aside, I went into the Integratron and ascended up to the second floor, I laid in the room with other people on the floor and after a brief explanation of the history of the place Tron started the "Sound Bath" by working with the sound bowls in the room followed by some music, the whole experience took roughly an hour.

The thing I wanted to share the most in regards to this experience was the profound vision I had repeatedly while I laid there in relaxation, the profoundness of these visions were right up there with the one I had in Monument Valley regarding Sara and the one I had in Quartzsite regarding my nomadic van lifestyle, only this one was a bit different.

In these visions both Spiritual Leaders Jesus Christ and Buddha came to me in many colors holding hands while they spoke to me "Come with us, it's okay, come join us." This vision appeared a few times and I felt welcomed in love and peace. I immediately knew I was being called to walk on the path of light. The more I've let go of control and the more I've stepped into the light and have left my ears open to listen and my heart open to receive the more the universe has given me. I am thankful for my past and the things I have experienced and learned but I have started to ascend to a higher place on this mountain of life where I can see a lot clearer and I have been blessed with many gifts. I have a wonderful family and group of friends(one in the same really)that have been a blessing in my life. I have a wonderful friend that has taken me in here in Big Bear and have been sharing a wonderful time full of spiritual insight, jokes, love and laughter. I have recently re-established a strong and wonderful heart connection with some person I "randomly" ;) met at a gas station in South Dakota a few years ago and have found in that someone I connect with in ways I never have with anybody else and look forward to more of it. I have been given a sign that my days of living in a van are soon to come(I went and looked at my first one today, in fact!)and knowing that it's been something I felt I *have* to experience for at least a long extended period of time before I kick the bucket. I have been shown that I am powerful and creative in ways of photography and that abundance will follow as soon as I let it. Now I have been called upon by the Universe through the channel of two of it's most popular and powerful Ascended Masters, Jesus Christ and Buddha. I have lost much but have gained much more. I have wonderful friends and family that I love, an amazing Twin Flame connection on more levels than I can speak of that I can share and grow with, a lifestyle on the horizon that will enable me to travel anywhere I desire and do it in material(and therefore spiritual)simplicity, a passion for arts such as photography, writing, music, healing work and a love for nature that I can attract both spiritual and financial abundance from and now I also have an opportunity to serve and walk a path of light after walking for so long in the dark. It has taken a lot to come to this point and I look forward to wherever it takes me next. Every time I return to the Western United States I fall in love all over again..sometimes with life, sometimes with the mountains, sometimes with another person, sometimes with the knowing that I am on the right path and can move forward and BREATHE. This is the only place I've ever truly felt free. I worked for the darkness for so long that all I ended up with was having to learn the hard and graceless way and destroying everything I touched. I believe it's built character and has been a much needed process but now it's time to walk the path that helps me shine the most, to give to the Universe that gives so so so much to me in return...if it weren't for the Universe, I wouldn't even be here right now. Gratitude. <3

-Zachary

Written: Big Bear Lake, California 2011