New Beginnings, New Direction

           Sometimes I forget how much I've experienced since the changes that started in my life in 2007/2008. I forget about an entire moment or place I've been on the road, until it hits me by looking at a photograph, then it's almost as if I'm able to go back in time and remember it like it was yesterday.

The choice has always been mine to put another mile under my feet(or wheels), but I often take for granted the simple fact that there would be no where to step(or drive)if the Universe wasn't there to provide. Feeling deep gratitude to that fact.

This transitional phase I'm in now is more complex than the others, it's darker, it's less certain, it's more challenging and it's less revealing..for now. I suppose that's what it looks like as you ascend upward and forward down the road of life. One thing I'm underestimating in this time of change is myself, and my uncertainty as to what my soul wants to create for myself and also to navigate intuitively to what I need as my world turns. I've gotten better at problem-solving, my flash-light is much bigger, my optimism(while challenged)becomes more rock solid as I look back at all that I've overcome, every mile within myself and every mile on that road these last 6 years. My eyes are older, but my vision is sharper. My spirit is reconnecting with my inner child and the wisdom that has helped me heal and evolve is taking form within that child.

I turn the key one more time on one of the many ignitions I've started over the years and head down the road just a bit further.

What lies ahead for me? It's not clear. What do I hope to find around the next curve? I have some ideas, but I'm not concrete on anything as of right now.

A few things I've learned both before my nomadic days and since I've been vagabonding:

~I have a simple yet inspiring story to share in my travels during the "On The Backroads" era. Seek, explore, find and heal yourself. Do what your heart and soul desires, even if it means defying the odds and especially if it means staying outside the box. Let the rest of the shit fall where it may.

~Question EVERYTHING! Seek the truth and your personal truth!


~Traveling(and life in general)is much sweeter with a soulful connection and a suitable life partner.


~Expand the territory within the soul and mind. Many miles in the United States has taught me to think global instead of only thinking local, both for my future travel endeavors and my new life direction in general.


Most importantly at this moment..


I have no overpowering sense of direction right now, I'm ok with the fact that I'm absolutely terrified...but hey..fuck it, I've only got one life to live, and no matter what happens, it's not like I'm going to get out alive anyways!


Much love! :)

Saying Goodbye and Thank You: My Eulogy for Grandpa

((I read the following at my grandfathers services. This is my second eulogy.))



"Here I am 5 months later. Saying goodbye again..

I have a lot of fond memories here in Berwyn. It's the place I grew up, it's where my family is from, it's where I spent my childhood with my grandparents.

Today marks the end of a major chapter in my life. It's been 10 years since I lived in Berwyn and 3 years since I lived in Illinois, but my memories are plentiful.

Today also marks another closing of a chapter, today I say farewell to my only grandfather and last grandparent. It's a strange feeling having nothing left but pictures and memories, but it's the memories that last the longest. I had an opportunity to spend the spring here in Illinois with my grandfather before his passing. With his condition and me going to Wyoming for work, I knew this would be my last chance to spend quality time with him. I live with no regrets!!

I have memories of him building me a snow hill in the backyard so I could go sledding when I was a little boy. I remember us watching wrestling every Thursday night on TV when I was a teenager. I remember countless times we went out for lunch and dinner, sometimes just the two of us, sometimes with grandma. The time I spent was plentiful and quality with both of my grandparents. I remember riding my bike around town and stopping upstairs at grandma and grandpas house for a snack. In recent years, I spent countless days in Wonder Lake enjoying the peace and quiet with both of them. But not always BETWEEN both of them!

My grandpa was a kind man, quiet but full of humor. With the loss of both grandparents in a 5 month period, this is especially difficult, even having the blessing to spend so much time with them over the last few years, as well as my whole life.

On Friday, I will return to my new home of the last 3 years in the wild west, leaving my grandparents, childhood, Berwyn and Illinois behind once and for all. With me, I will take the memories.

Thank You Grandpa, I Love You."

Saying Goodbye and Thank You: My Eulogy for Grandma

((I read the following at my grandmothers services. This is my first eulogy and was the hardest thing I ever had to write.))

"As a writer it's rare anymore that I have a writers block. If you were to ask me to write a detailed description about a sunset, I could have something decent for you in about a half hour. Ask me to write a eulogy for someone else, I may be able to give you generalizations describing how great someone was. But the strange thing is, I sit here now listening to grandmas favorite, Bob Seger searching my thoughts for the words to express the emotions behind losing someone you love, someone who was your best friend, someone you spent countless hours on the phone with for the last 10 years, someone you watched literally hundreds of movies with followed by a discussion after each one, someone you shared your music with as they shared theirs with you, someone who took an interest in your travels and photography, a person that you couldn't wait to see after cleaning toilets for $8 an hour all week spending all of your gas money in an $800 gas guzzler truck just to go see that person nearly every weekend, someone that would light up like a Christmas tree everytime they saw you or whenever you called them on the phone, someone that was worth the 2,000 mile trip across the country time and time again. Someone you love.

Truth is, I could write a book about the relationship I shared with my grandma, but a few thing's I've learned the last few years are the most important things to say about life are oftentimes the things we only say at the time of someone passing...

Live freely, Love deeply, Listen intently, Share willingly and give honestly.

Most importantly, take every single moment to embrace those you love. When you tell someone you love that you'll talk to them on Saturday, Saturday may never come.

THANK YOU grandma, for everything we have shared since the day I was born, especially in the last decade. Your unconditional love, our time spent together in Wonder Lake and Berwyn, all the countless hours of phone calls over the years and all of the laughter.

I don't know where we go after this life, who truly does? But one thing I know is I loved grandma as much as she loved me, we parted in this life as best friends, and if there is somewhere we go with pearly gates when this is all said and done, we'll be watching movies and listening to Bob Segers "Old Time Rock & Roll" there together.

One last thing, showing how amazing God's work is in our lives...

I was in Phoenix Arizona when I received the phone call of grandmas passing, I was brushing my teeth at a friends apartment in fact. About an hour later while trying to process the news, I went to a Hispanic laundromat in a poor hispanic neighborhood to save money on washing clothes. This laundromat has all of the signs posted in Spanish and the music playing is Mexican radio, also in Spanish. Not once have I ever gone there and heard a song in English, not until the day of her passing. One of her favorite songs "Don't Worry Be Happy" came on the Mexican radio in English, I took it as a sign from the Creator of the Universe, sending me a simple message. I smiled, teared up a bit and finished my laundry.

I will miss her, but in her absence I have the memories, and the opportunity to squeeze the juice out of life even more, everyday, wherever I am, with whomever I am with.

Grandma, Thank You; I Love You, and Goodbye...

Thank you God for 26 years of friendship and love with my wonderful grandmother, and thank you for all my other blessings."




-Zachary Hill 2013(C)

CROSSROADS: The Calling/The Dream or "Easy Street"?

After 3 long and quiet weeks out east in New Bethlehem Pennsylvania I have been back in California for 3 days, and to my amazement, I'm not enjoying it, at all.

From the moment(literally) I stepped off the airplane in Los Angeles, I have been stressed, pissed, easily annoyed and depressed. I have returned to the town of Big Bear Lake where I have always found myself at home, only to find myself stressed and annoyed. As I attempt to figure out the shift in this situation, I can't help but keep thinking of my time in Pennsylvania, the things I left behind, the things I learned and the things that have changed from that experience. What it really has come down to is two choices that are equally tempting, one is that of my dreams(which hasn't been working too well for me for almost 2 years now to begin with), and one is settling for "second best" next to my dreams. If you're a dreamer(like I've always been), then you know damn well that "second best" is a unacceptable distant cousin to living one's dreams. But in a world that is collapsing and changing as we know it, that isn't tailored to unconventional living, and in a society that I grow more and more disconnected from as I ascend my own personal path, what is one to do?? It's the age old story of the struggles a person is placed in when they evolve beyond the world around them. After traveling this country countless times, I see less and less of the things I like, yet the original dream remains the same, only now awakened with my calling added to it.

THE DREAM/THE CALLING:

Lifestyle: I've found great comfort in the nomadic lifestyle, and I would like to continue it throughout the United States, as well as going overseas in the foreseeable future, as well as sustaining and expanding within the nomadic lifestyle indefinitely. Based on my life's work/my desires alone, nomadic living is not a "wanderlust" fad, it IS the way I choose/feel called to live my life. I've "settled down" in this lifestyle and that's what it is.

The Calling/Sustaining Income: This world is in very dark times and many people are lost as to what they want to do based on what they feel called to do. Over the years I've tried to justify to myself that I should try different types of work in order to see what a good fit would be for me, a way for me to serve and feel some personal satisfaction within my service. The only result I keep getting is that I'm called to help people seek a higher purpose for themselves, in the times before the "American Dream" this would be equivalent to a gypsy preacher, only in this modern era of great intelligence we have the tools, better understanding and the dying of religion to assist in helping others see their true potential, not based on some book, or theory of what "God wants", but an actual way to look at ourselves and see what powers lie within us, regardless of our spiritual beliefs. I believe that we as people have an ability and right to earn a fair living by providing services that are specially tailored for us, or known as a "calling". These gifts that we have are the only acceptable choice for our path, and we always seem to find that our life works a great deal better when we discover and follow that purpose, of course unless that purpose deeply conflicts with the great evil of all time, the system.

People: Believe it or not, I really love people. I just detest almost everything we do as a species in the modern world, we've lost touch with what is truly important and what is really of value, and now as a species we are dearly paying for it. Most of the worlds population lives a life of fear, myself included. However, unlike most of the worlds population I've chosen to not walk a traditional path just because I was told to do so, or because I was "promised" that if I jump through a few hoops, there would be rewards at the end of those hoops that seem to be vanishing within our planets number one infected sickness, "The American Dream". We're we all supposed to conform in school by letting a teacher educated by the system tell us what the think? We're we all supposed to conform to our parents desires for our lives? Go to college, get a "good" job(good by definition of social status or income level associated with said job), buy an overpriced box with windows known as a house that never truly feels like a home, buy the newest and hottest trendy automobile, have the tie wearing husband that never shows emotion, the smokin' hot wife that always appears "perfect", the children whose intuitive gifts we destroy at a young age by allowing such a system to molest their very being, all the while putting our own desires for them upon them. Is this not completely sick and twisted?!?! What about striving to understand a deeper purpose? Seeing what works for us as an individual, what we feel called to do to make our world a better place, and in turn make the world a better place, not one driven by ego, money based greed and societal power. I understand that people are a product of their environment and only know what they've been exposed to, but I also have learned in my travels across America that most people will not stand up and fight for themselves, they will not question what is expected of them and will not think/feel for themselves, and it is the act of not seeking that for themselves that turns me off with people. In addition to that, I don't understand this "city life phenomenon" where everyone is so impressed with the very being of a city. We are conditioned to believe that there is "nothing to do" unless we have some man made stimulation in our face at every moment. If there isn't some egoically renowned restaurant to eat at, egoically renowned clothing store to shop at, a bar/club to go to or some other lackluster man made "art" creation to go see, we consider a place to have nothing to offer. Yet it's in our own Mother Earth that all of the beauty truly resides. Every city is a mecca for businesses, and it's a large reason why people have flocked to them in large groups. In older times they may have been meccas for building communities, but in the digital age and within the last 150 years, they've seemed to become a cesspool of crime, stress, ego and worst of all, Corporate America. All cities are like a computer operating system, such as Windows or Linux. They all offer the same functions, options and purpose. While you can choose between them, and even change your desktop wallpaper, there isn't really anything fresh and exciting coming from them,  yet there was a deep potential to have made them something incredible in their original creation, and it's not entirely too late for many of them, though some are beyond repair. When you look at how long our planet has been here, our species for that matter too, it's clear that the city itself is a new creation, and one of our most ego based creations, and sadly through a system that is plugged into every facet of life these days, it's effecting everything outside of itself, even deep into what we now call "the country", which not too long ago was just called everyday life for most people. Most people live from this place of city progression, yet it's truly not progress. I'm 100% for change, especially due to the modern day Americana mentality of the world that is traditional living, yet I'm only interested in change for the better, which is not something I see happening with people because we are too afraid to channel our own true calling and powers within each and every one of us. Therefore, I'd rather keep my distance from countless droves of drone like robots now masquerading as human beings. As for fellow seekers of truth, light and real human progress from a point of spiritual ascension, I welcome and seek every one of them across the globe, for they are the only people of interest anymore.

Purpose Driven: So, how do I fulfill my life's work and make an income based on the financial system we have in place right now in a world where that financial system is collapsing, it's resources are being hoarded by the very people I'm working to expose, and how do I reach the sleeping masses of my fellow species who have no conscious desire to awaken from a poisonous pipe dream? These questions have remained my challenge, and my mission for nearly 5 years. They also lead to the comfort of revelations I've discovered while reflecting on my time in Pennsylvania, where I didn't feel stressed, frustrated or depressed for most of my time there.


"EASY STREET"/A Conventional Choice:

Lifestyle: With my growing distaste for fighting to keep following my path in a world currently controlled by darkness, I had a great contrast painted for me while staying with a friend in PA for a few weeks. I realized that I could get any 40+ hour a week job in a remotely beautiful and natural part of America, I could buy/rent a cheap piece of farmland or other natural setting away from civilization, I could go to work, make a few bucks, live cheaply and comfortably. It would not be my dream, it would not be living on purpose, but it would relieve me of the aggravation found in trying to live that purpose. I could find a reasonable level of comfort within a simple life in the country somewhere, this lifestyle choice has been on my mind for over 3 days straight, and is incredibly tempting.

The Calling/Sustaining Income: I could choose to pursue my calling somewhat in this lifestyle choice as well, though not in it's entirety, and with this lifestyle choice being based around simplicity and less stress, I'd more than likely opt for just taking a traditional 9-5 of any kind(does it matter?)just to pay the bills to allow me to have my small piece of land, peace of mind in Mother Nature and distance from the population of robots.

People: In this lifestyle choice, I don't have to interact with people as much as I do in my calling. My calling revolves around people, and the improvement of their spiritual consciousness, this choice would be more of a "hands off" approach. Not encouraging, or offering help to people on any level unless it comes to my front door or if I so desire. I would more than likely have to interact with people at my job, but I can disconnect my emotion from who their ego is and not concern myself with what they do in the world at large. I would basically turn my back on what I was put here to do by encouraging people to feel and think for themselves by just not helping or offering my gifts. I've learned in my travels that most people make this choice and have less stress and suffering as a result.

Purpose Driven: In this lifestyle choice I'm not being driven by purpose, I'm being driven by simplicity and some sense of peace. While I wouldn't feel fulfilled ever, or like I lived my life with purpose, I'd be absolved of any true burdens or hardships of dealing with the society in which we created over the decades/centuries. I'd live a life of simplicity and slowly shut down over the years into just existing in my own little world.

This is not a view of nomad vs settler, or conventional vs unconventional. It's me recognizing that I am an unconventional nomad and that is what my calling is, living the conventional settler life is not my calling but is the temptation of easy street for me(I wonder if it'd actually be easier denying my passions?). It's no different than someone who is truly called to live a conventional settler life that attempts to be an unconventional nomad as an effort of simplicity or "giving up". It's about finding your own path and what works for you, not because the system indoctrinated you to do so, or not because of careless rebellion, but finding what resonates deep in your heart and consciousness.


Both of these are incredibly tempting choices for different reasons, and I wish I could have a little bit of both, but I know better than that. It's a life of service that leads to deep suffering and reward, because a life of purpose intensifies both the pleasures and pains or the light and darkness in a persons life. A life of self indulgence and service to only one's ego(or the system in so many cases for so many people)leads to less fulfilling "victories" that really harm the essence of one's own human spirit, and is the main reason why our world has fallen into a great deal of darkness. I'm just tired of struggling in the minority of those who want to free not only ourselves of financial debts, but most importantly of the prisoner within our souls, and our minds that have been enslaved.



So here I am, in the hustle bustle of California living again reflecting upon my life yet again and debating on which path I want to take. The one of my dreams that I've been constantly fighting to just scrape by with, or the one of easy street that leads to the knowing deep within that I never kept fighting for my purpose. Is it worth it anymore? Is serving the light worth it anymore? I'm not interested in serving the dark by becoming an evil bastard, I'm just not sure I want to serve a world that isn't ready to let go of it's own darkness yet, because the grip darkness has on this planet is only because we-the-people continue to hold it. By not continuing to search for ways to live my calling, I do serve darkness by default because I'm not being responsible for my gift, but I'm not sure I want this gift anymore, and in this dark world? I'm not totally convinced it's not a curse behind the mask of a gift.

Another fucking set of crossroads, which way to go??...


-Zachary Hill 2012(C)

Your Bliss HAS To Come First: Revelations from a Former Vegetarian

When I was 22 years old I became some sort of a vegetarian for about 9 months. My diet consisted mostly of nuts, seeds and fruit, as I don't like vegetables much. I still ate cheese(on salads mainly)and occasionally I'd eat crab meat, outside of that? No meat or dairy products.

I always blamed the food for why I didn't stick with it after the first 9 months. I always believed that veggies never tasted good, that healthy foods are expensive, that I would miss eating meat and other processed junk foods and various other beliefs that held some truth and yet many held nothing. Meat and dairy substitutes often taste disgusting(ANY fake meat Morningstar, Tofurkey, etc. Soy "Milk", Soy Cheese and even with Almond Milk tasting decent, it's still doesn't taste as good as Grade D cow milk)and most natural foods are bland without spicing them up somehow(imagine quinoa by itself). Health foods ARE really expensive!(I'm not talking about pesticide sprayed/GMO flavorless crap from Walmart either)but what is your health and happiness worth to you?? To my surprise, I didn't miss eating meat or processed junk foods whatsoever with the exception of pizza. If I did it again, I wouldn't give up pizza, ever!

The most interesting revelations have come in recent days, nearly 3 years after I went back to eating poorly. So, how did I restart my poor diet in 2009? It's quite simple really. At 2AM one morning I decided to drive to the McDonalds late night drive thru and order a Big Mac, I put it in my mouth and within 5 minutes of ingesting the disgusting greasy chemical filled "food", my stomach paid dearly for it. I truly went from making much progress to eating quite possibly the worst "food" creation known to man, but why?

It finally dawned on me today why I did what I did that night. I do want to make a clear statement on my reasons for cleaning up my diet in the first place. It had NOTHING to do with my own health, and EVERYTHING to do with the suffering of the animals. I was going through this ultra liberal time in my life where I was believing that everything should be peace, love and harmony, God was it(and I)annoying! The time that directly followed was a long battle with the darkest realities of the world, which is what started to influence my fall from vegetarianism. I grew tired of not having money to shell out on healthy foods, I grew tired of feeling judged for my choice, I NEVER felt better physically in my life like I did when I was a vegetarian, and because of my darkness within at that time, I had to sabotage that feeling, not to mention me being slim I couldn't have that. Why? because I felt I didn't deserve to FEEL healthy, BE healthy or LOOK healthy and I certainly didn't give a fuck that animals were suffering anymore, if I had to suffer at the hands of the Corporate Government, so should everyone! I ate more meat than ever to make a point, and in my life as a whole I became a motherfucker in 2010 because I was angry at the worlds injustices, I was resentful towards them and I had an all or nothing attitude. If the world couldn't be a place full of love, light and happiness or at least a place where everyone strives for that at all times, then fuck it, the world should burn and collapse at every turn. Of course, I wasn't as hard and dark as I claimed to project, I was still the incredibly sensitive and caring person I'd always been, just buried under mountains of negative energy.

Fast forward a few years. My diet hasn't improved much since that time, my reasons for eating meat and processed foods isn't "to hell with the animals" anymore and it hasn't been for nearly 2 years now, but it's simple. I do enjoy eating meat, and it's an addiction. It's no secret to my closest friends and loved one's that my drug of choice is "food". I call it "food" because fast food, starches, processed foods, sugar(candy) and the meat that I eat hardly qualifies as food. I do have the memories of how it was to not have my body crave meat whatsoever, to feel completely content with not having to stuff my face throughout the day and this all came at a time where I didn't have a job that made me miserable(think truck driving), I didn't have a lot of personal stress and I felt fairly good coming off the high of my first major traveling adventure out West in 2008.

I write this from a point of greater balance in my mentality, more maturity too. I realize that the world needs it's darkness to balance to the light, I also realize that MY personal choices should not be limited by the outside world and those in it. While I do not see myself becoming a vegetarian again, simply because I enjoy pizza, pasta and the occasional meat dish, I DO see myself cleaning up my diet. I just wasn't ready within myself to do so, until now. Addiction is a hard thing to kick, especially when your addiction doesn't come with the fearful threat of jail time(think marijuana or alcohol consumed when driving), however my addiction comes with a major threat...and no it isn't just the one that comes from a heart attack, cancer or diabetes which can result in death, I'm talking about something MUCH worse than any of those...

The death of my spirit. I've been killing myself for so long because I never truly believed I deserved to live a happy and healthy life of fulfillment. If we are already dead inside, does it matter if our body follows our spirit to an early grave?

I look to take a more Native American approach to eating my food, along with many other actions in how I live. Does animal suffering still bother me? Yes, it does. But not enough anymore to stop eating the foods they produce, when or if I want them. Giving thanks and recognizing my blessings from this creature giving it's life for me is the most important aspect, and fits me much better than being incredibly liberal about it by whining about animal rights, and worse yet, being too conservative by eating it out of resentment. All I can do is what suits my spirit best, and being a vegetarian for reasons beyond my health is not my calling. People die everyday, people suffer needlessly everyday as do animals, it's part of life and the experience. I'm not suggesting we needlessly create death and suffering for one another, but life is a process and in that process we learn from these painful and sometimes finalizing experiences.

In conclusion, consciousness brings about an awareness that creates the choice of responsibility. I have a commitment to continue expanding my consciousness and reaching further for the light everyday. I come to learn over the last 5 years that this does not include me taking on the whole world, all it's problems and all it's suffering, yet only to take on the things that mean the most to me. I have people I love, places I love and values that I hold dear, and those people, places and values will always be put before those of a stranger, places I don't feel connected to and stuff I don't value. I'm finally comfortable with this, and it's liberating!

I look forward to cleaning up my diet again, this time for MY personal health and well being, and hey if a few animals lives are spared and more corporations lose a few more dollars of my money, it's all the better! I never thought I'd ever get comfortable with compromise and what I always called "selling out" or "growing up", but I realize in a corrupt and disconnected nation of sleeping people like America(hard one for me to swallow, but it's true) in it's current system you have to make a choice, and that choice always comes down to questioning one's own happiness. My happiness and well being is more important to me than anything else, and yours should be for you too.

Find your values, tune out on the rest of the world's strong armed "suggestions", find inner balance, follow your passions, keep an open heart and mind, live YOUR life!!

(Re)Born in (New) Bethlehem

The story of the Bible states the following:

"Two accounts in the New Testament describe Jesus as being born in Bethlehem. According to the Gospel of Luke, Jesus' parents lived in Nazareth and traveled for the Census of Quirinius to Bethlehem, where Jesus was born, after which they returned home."

So, a cool dude who owned his own power and knew himself quite well and stood in his integrity regardless of what others thought was born in the little town of Bethlehem?

Today my friend Angela posted something on Facebook regarding my current location: New Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.

"New Bethlehem? Really? Of course! =)"

This instantly brought to my mind the popular story of Jesus being born, which in my case, is quite symbolic. The birthplace of a famous deity? The (re)birth place for me as I prepare to put on the shoes that have been waiting for me for 25 years. I would say Angela is right, this is OF the COURSE!

Week 1 & 2: COLORADO: City Life, Country Life

A month ago today I packed my belongings into 3 bags, turned in the keys to my semi truck and got on a plane from Seattle to Denver, where I stayed for the next 2 weeks. While in Denver, I finally came to peace with the fact that I am no longer a city boy, and not only am I no longer a city boy, I am in fact a COUNTRY BOY! I don't hold deep hatred for the city like I did in 2010, I don't feel the need to "give it another try" like I did in 2011, I just am flat out done with US cities outside of using them for hubs of transportation or to visit loved ones. Denver is one of the better cities in America, and yet I still couldn't relax with all the people and energy there. This plays into the theme of my coming full circle on many issues, it's a part of me reaching my true place within. Noise, pollution, lots of people, cement and chaos does not mix with my energy or my path anymore. I also had a chance to spend time with friends and do some outdoor recreation all around the state of Colorado which was WONDERFUL! I made peace with the fact that I'm a country boy and the city was a chapter of contrast that made me appreciate the home I've now found in the rural areas.

Week 3: ILLINOIS: Back to Berwyn, the Broken Home:


After realizing that my situation in Denver wasn't going to work, I instantly felt compelled to spend a week in Illinois visiting my grandparents in Wonder Lake, which was a blessing!!(one that I've been manifesting since June)In the past I held a lot of hatred and resentment towards Illinois but during this visit, I found nothing but enjoyment in the beautiful nature around Wonder Lake. While it would never be home again, it wasn't the hell it once seemed to be. I knew my next stop would be PA, so my grandfather and I headed to my childhood home of Berwyn the night before so I could get to the Greyhound station at a reasonable time. In addition to having my favorite pizza in the world, I noticed a huge shift in returning home. I never really felt peace or came to terms with where I grew up, until this trip. The water in the faucet tasted the same, the shower that I spent every night singing, crying and purging my emotions was no different than it was 10 years ago, the house was built in 1902 and has been in a state of collapse since I left. I use to listen to the Papa Roach song "Broken Home" thinking about my childhood in that home growing up without my vision of a family unit, how I found ways to create a sense of family(see: Pennsylvania)for myself as I became older and what it took to realize that at 25 years of age the home was still broken. I stood in my old bedroom, I took a shower, I walked the grounds and drove around the old neighborhood but it wasn't until I stood in front of the house and looked at it that I realized what was most important. The home was falling apart, the floors crooked, the roof collapsing and paint peeling. Once it's floors were straight, it's roof sturdy and the paint shiny and fresh. My childhood there was a time when the house was strong and I was broken. Over 10 years later the house is now broken and I am the strong one. Not only am I strong, I am at peace and have a deep gratitude for growing up there, I left when I was 16. I made peace with the beauty that came from living there in my childhood, I made peace with where I grew up and I am released of the suffering associated within the walls of the house that I once called home. 

Nickelback has a song called "Photograph" where the singer sings about returning to his childhood home and hometown for reflection. As for my childhood in Berwyn Illinois? The chorus of the song sums it up best...

"Every memory of walking out the front door I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for It's hard to say it, time to say it, Goodbye, goodbye.."

 WEEK 4 & BEYOND: PENNSYLVANIA: 10 Years in 10 Days/New Bethlehem Rebirth:


2001 to 2004: My friend Trish and I have known each other for over 10 years. Me in Chicago and her in Pittsburgh. We met in a chatroom back when 56k dial up internet was the latest thing and we developed a close friendship instantly. Spending countless nights online as teenagers listening to the likes of our depressing teenage music, me with whiny crybaby KoRn lost in my sadness and depression, her with the bloodchilling screams of Slipknot to fuel her rage. She had asshole boyfriends, I had crazy girlfriends and we both were whiny, emo, Generation Y crystal children that were highly psychic(unbeknownst to us at the time)living in the dark times that were the late 90's/early 00's. We talked every night online and were involved in one another's lives for everything from breakups, school problems and family members passing. Ever tried being an intuitive teenager that feels energy intensely in this fucked up country? We did, we lived it AND we were a great team!

2008 to Now: We had a few years of silence, but not due to bad blood, I moved, my mom remarried and with life getting busy for me, we lost touch, until 2008. I decided to send her a MySpace message out of the blue and surely enough we picked up right where we left off, with a few notable differences..
I was the depressed sad one when we were teens, now she was. She was the angry raging one as teens, now I was. My KoRn became Disturbed and her Slipknot became new Staind, wow...
As the years went by we continued to talk online and more so on the phone, we went through new struggles and challenges and continued to get one another to laugh through all the insanity. I could be in my darkest moments and somehow talking to Trish is always like an injection of humor. We share the same sense of cruel and crude humor that never gets old, but always gets most people looking at us like were nuts!

It seemed natural that my intuition would lead me to the east after leaving Illinois. Last year when my mobile home life became broken, I went from Denver to Chicago to Pennsylvania, this year it was the same story as last, but different circumstances. When Trish, her mother and her boyfriend(Rodger)asked me on the phone when I was going to visit again, I took it as a sign to head out there this September to end my summer as autumn begins.


See, Trish is my teenage childhood experience, so the natural progression after coming to terms with young childhood is to come to terms with the next step, and that is part of the karma I feel that drew me out here this year. We didn't grow up in the same neighborhood or even the same state for that matter, yet we both came from shithole cities, we both ended up living in the country, we both went through unique experiences that shared similarity yet major difference and we've both remained friends through everything, AND she's one of the few people I've never had conflict with, ever.

Sounds like a recipe for a great relationship eh? And it is, and that's what we have. In her rage, I was the only person never mistreated and later in my rage, she was the same. I realized while out here why our relationship never went to the next step, and while I never lost any sleep over it, I always wondered and I could never logically understand it, which my analytical mind always wanted to know. I always loved and adored her, cherished our connection and we both feel each other intuitively, even across the country when one of us is sick, hurting or going through good times. We read each others minds constantly and the list continues...

It hit me like a brick last night, she's the sister in my soul family. Last night was the FIRST time we stayed up late talking IN PERSON after a decade behind a computer screen or over the phone, but coming here to the wonderful land energy of western PA and out here at her country home in NEW Bethlehem it all made sense, I needed to come to PA to finalize the teenage years and early 20's part of my life. I look at her face to face and see so much of myself and my own past that I realized in many ways, we are mirrors to one another and bookends on many of life's karmic issues. She FINALLY has a boyfriend that I respect, genuinely like and trust for her well being right now and for the foreseeable future, a low maintenance home in the beautiful country rolling hills of the mid-Atlantic region and most of all I can feel her contentment and peace, and now that I have my own(unlike when I visited last year), I can SEE it and know it in my heart.

It's uncertain when exactly I'm leaving to return West from here, but I now recognize this powerful rebirth process that started early last year, I just needed to go through a bunch of shit so I could get to this point. I am finally ready to wear the shoes that were made for me, to be reborn into my higher self and to take responsibility for the life I have been chosen to walk. In addition to seeing Trish, coming to Pennsylvania has brought me to peace with the east. I really love it here and I can have the best of all worlds as a traveler.

I am reborn of gratitude, love and appreciation, that recognizing the suffering transformed me and molded me and that I was never alone, that God provided in the form of family, friends, nature, travel and new experiences.


I am enrolling in online entrepreneur endeavors that I am excited about, the possibility of working the ski resorts this winter but most of all, just seeing where life takes me next. I have never felt this calm, cool and collected in my life, it's truly a first. Chris Daughtry's song "September" sums up exactly what I'm experiencing. He say's it's about looking back at childhood and how things change, finding gratitude for the experiences and realizing that you either keep moving forward or backward...

I'm ready, and moving forward.

"Of all the things I still remember
Summer's never looked the same
The years go by and time just seems to fly
But the memories remain.

In the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could've been
It was worth it in the end."

-Zachary Hill 2012(C)

Shifting in September

((A follow up to last years post: DANCING IN SEPTEMBER))


Sitting on the porch of my second Denver apartment on this breezy cool Colorado summer night. Elephant Revival in my headphones as I return to the thing I do best, the thing that fills me up most: Writing.

Six months spent as a truck driver took away a lot of my time to write. In fact, I haven't written more than one or two things in this period. Trucking gave me a view of life on the road in a different capacity, and while it was a miserable lifestyle overall, I am grateful to have experienced it. I am becoming more of a soul driven by new experiences rather than following a rigid plan. While I don't miss trucking one bit and I don't have any desire to return, it's good to know that I can always make a few bucks doing it if I'm in a jam.

The crickets are chirping tonight here on the Aurora/Denver border. I live about one block from the border of Aurora in a nice suburban neighborhood(still too sterile for me though), as opposed to last year where I was more centralized in the city itself in a poorer part of town. Both have provided different experiences, but this visit has been much better than last years, largely in part because I am much happier with myself than I was last year. Last year after the van I was living in was totaled in a Denver suburb, I got on an airplane to Chicago and helped my parents move to California. I stopped to see my grandparents and then took a trip to the east coast. Interestingly enough, I have planned to visit my grandparents in Wonder Lake and a friend in Joliet, Illinois for a few months now. My intuition is suggesting I head out to Illinois in the coming days, followed by visiting a friend in Pennsylvania. This is, more or less, almost EXACTLY what I did last year. Living in Denver with the SAME FRIENDS then going to Chicago, then to the east coast(Pennsylvania included last year)during the first 2 weeks of September! What else is new? After all, I DO have that Forest Gump thing going on!! ;)

September has ALWAYS been my month of reflection, it's always been my most positive month too(thanks to 23 years in Illinois? Where September is the ONLY month that isn't cold, overcast and miserable or too humid and hot?)and it's always a month that sets the pace for reflecting on the prior year while moving into the next big adventure. This past year has been an adventure that has revolved about my truck driving life, my ambition to venture off into North Dakota's oil fields to make money, and ultimately my failure to accomplish any of the things I set out to do with my CDL.

But was it a failure?...

Not exactly. In fact, I learned A LOT of stuff since last September. I lived with my folks for about a month last October in San Jose, California. I then headed off to Big Bear Lake, California for a while to then venture off to Williston, North Dakota with another kindred spirit in search of the black gold. 2 weeks later I was back in my first love state of Arizona for about a week and then back to Big Bear Lake AND THEN back to San Jose for the holidays. While in San Jose, I ended up with $50 to my name and found myself purging a lot of the final remnants of 2011's journey. I stagnated in San Jose until February where I took the last of my money(and some borrowed from a friend)and made my way down to Fontana, California for trucking school with CR England. I graduated 3 weeks later and was out on the road. I spent 2 weeks running loads as a team from CA/AZ to Chicago and back. I then spent 6 weeks in a truck with another student running the 11 western states. I severed ties with CR England in May and went to Knight Transportation. I spent the month of June with a trainer driving the 11 western states and the midwest before finally getting my own Peterbilt, which I only lasted in for about 2 months. During all this time, I learned a heckuva lot!

I learned tolerance by living with incredibly negative and irritating strangers in multiple semi trucks the size of a handicapped bathroom stall. I learned a new skill that allowed me to continue on the western highways, I learned that the bullshit in the trucking industry was every bit as bad(if not worse)than it was when I was an office worker/loader nearly 7 years ago. I learned to keep my rage in check while being pushed by the absolute worst company I ever worked for in my life, CR England. I learned that it's okay to walk away from toxic situations before I become completely fucking miserable by allowing myself to get to that point again while working for Knight Transportation. I realized that no matter how good the trucking company(though CRE and Knight were NOT good companies), I would never be satisfied in that line of work, and that it's best to be used only if needed.

Most importantly I learned to work towards my dreams at all times. The next chapter? Embrace the author within, cultivate an environment based around Location Independence within business to allow my lifestyle to exist AND thrive.

Since last September I've been fortunate to see all of my loved one's with the exception of those out east(except for one). I'm calmer, more balanced, less tolerant of societal bullshit(but not hyperfocusing on it like last year), more driven to succeed in my dreams(mainly because doing anything else is HELL!!!)and I'm FINALLY ready to step into the shoes that were created for me!

My ambitions this September are to see myself working towards that Location Independence by doing something I enjoy, furthering my spirituality, seeing people I love(AS ALWAYS!), travel(as always!)and starting to become more active within the web community. It's the best way to network!

Oh, there's also a Euro-Trip on the agenda at one point, most likely sometime next summer. I'd like to see a different continent and since I'm new to International Travel outside of North America, I'd like to engage a continent that is similar enough to get my feet wet, yet different enough to experience different cultures within the European countries.


I have always acknowledged that September is my month.


Colorado has always been one of my favorite states, and quite honestly is one of about four states that I could see myself settling in one day, if I ever were to settle(California, Oregon and Washington are the other three. Sorry, I can't deal with conservatives and their tired ideas on a regular basis anymore, so unless I'm living in the middle of nowhere, it's these four states or bust!...and of course, NORTHERN Arizona ;P I've always had a soft spot for her). I now understand partially why I came back to Colorado at this time of my journey. I also see what Colorado signifies for me.

Where Arizona has always been a place of firsts(first state I ever fell in love with, first town I ever fell in love with(Sedona), first time I never felt alone, first time I ever moved out of mom and dad's house, first time I ever moved to a city I absolutely hated(Phoenix), first place I ever made love that touched my soul, first girl I ever loved deeply, first state I ever felt at peace in and many other firsts!), and California was the first state I felt like I belonged in, the first place I actually would tell people I'm from(I still tell people I'm a Californian and I haven't been in the state in at least a month!), I discovered that Colorado is the place I visit right before I set off on a new adventure, and before I head in a new direction. Colorado is a place of deep reflection for me, in many ways I have some of the most impacting reflections and revelations while deep in the rocky mountains or surprisingly enough while in Denver.


The time to depart Colorado(for now)is nearing as I feel the pull eastward. I look forward to this September being it's usual powerhouse month, I look forward to seeing what will transform and what new adventures I will work towards as the fall season starts to set in. In addition, I look forward to the Illinois Indian summer, followed by the early autumn east coast mid Atlantic Pennsylvania autumn(perhaps a detour to the Blue Ridge Parkway? =:D)!..

...and of course for those of you who know me(ideally, that is)...returning to the SOUTHWEST just in time to avoid the SNOW!!! ;P


I'm looking forward during these dark and scary times in the world, and while the fear may linger...the PASSION and EXCITEMENT outweigh it tenfold.


Onward...


Written: Denver, Colorado 2012

-Zachary Hill (C) 2012