I always blamed the food for why I didn't stick with it after the first 9 months. I always believed that veggies never tasted good, that healthy foods are expensive, that I would miss eating meat and other processed junk foods and various other beliefs that held some truth and yet many held nothing. Meat and dairy substitutes often taste disgusting(ANY fake meat Morningstar, Tofurkey, etc. Soy "Milk", Soy Cheese and even with Almond Milk tasting decent, it's still doesn't taste as good as Grade D cow milk)and most natural foods are bland without spicing them up somehow(imagine quinoa by itself). Health foods ARE really expensive!(I'm not talking about pesticide sprayed/GMO flavorless crap from Walmart either)but what is your health and happiness worth to you?? To my surprise, I didn't miss eating meat or processed junk foods whatsoever with the exception of pizza. If I did it again, I wouldn't give up pizza, ever!
The most interesting revelations have come in recent days, nearly 3 years after I went back to eating poorly. So, how did I restart my poor diet in 2009? It's quite simple really. At 2AM one morning I decided to drive to the McDonalds late night drive thru and order a Big Mac, I put it in my mouth and within 5 minutes of ingesting the disgusting greasy chemical filled "food", my stomach paid dearly for it. I truly went from making much progress to eating quite possibly the worst "food" creation known to man, but why?
It finally dawned on me today why I did what I did that night. I do want to make a clear statement on my reasons for cleaning up my diet in the first place. It had NOTHING to do with my own health, and EVERYTHING to do with the suffering of the animals. I was going through this ultra liberal time in my life where I was believing that everything should be peace, love and harmony, God was it(and I)annoying! The time that directly followed was a long battle with the darkest realities of the world, which is what started to influence my fall from vegetarianism. I grew tired of not having money to shell out on healthy foods, I grew tired of feeling judged for my choice, I NEVER felt better physically in my life like I did when I was a vegetarian, and because of my darkness within at that time, I had to sabotage that feeling, not to mention me being slim I couldn't have that. Why? because I felt I didn't deserve to FEEL healthy, BE healthy or LOOK healthy and I certainly didn't give a fuck that animals were suffering anymore, if I had to suffer at the hands of the Corporate Government, so should everyone! I ate more meat than ever to make a point, and in my life as a whole I became a motherfucker in 2010 because I was angry at the worlds injustices, I was resentful towards them and I had an all or nothing attitude. If the world couldn't be a place full of love, light and happiness or at least a place where everyone strives for that at all times, then fuck it, the world should burn and collapse at every turn. Of course, I wasn't as hard and dark as I claimed to project, I was still the incredibly sensitive and caring person I'd always been, just buried under mountains of negative energy.
Fast forward a few years. My diet hasn't improved much since that time, my reasons for eating meat and processed foods isn't "to hell with the animals" anymore and it hasn't been for nearly 2 years now, but it's simple. I do enjoy eating meat, and it's an addiction. It's no secret to my closest friends and loved one's that my drug of choice is "food". I call it "food" because fast food, starches, processed foods, sugar(candy) and the meat that I eat hardly qualifies as food. I do have the memories of how it was to not have my body crave meat whatsoever, to feel completely content with not having to stuff my face throughout the day and this all came at a time where I didn't have a job that made me miserable(think truck driving), I didn't have a lot of personal stress and I felt fairly good coming off the high of my first major traveling adventure out West in 2008.
I write this from a point of greater balance in my mentality, more maturity too. I realize that the world needs it's darkness to balance to the light, I also realize that MY personal choices should not be limited by the outside world and those in it. While I do not see myself becoming a vegetarian again, simply because I enjoy pizza, pasta and the occasional meat dish, I DO see myself cleaning up my diet. I just wasn't ready within myself to do so, until now. Addiction is a hard thing to kick, especially when your addiction doesn't come with the fearful threat of jail time(think marijuana or alcohol consumed when driving), however my addiction comes with a major threat...and no it isn't just the one that comes from a heart attack, cancer or diabetes which can result in death, I'm talking about something MUCH worse than any of those...
The death of my spirit. I've been killing myself for so long because I never truly believed I deserved to live a happy and healthy life of fulfillment. If we are already dead inside, does it matter if our body follows our spirit to an early grave?
I look to take a more Native American approach to eating my food, along with many other actions in how I live. Does animal suffering still bother me? Yes, it does. But not enough anymore to stop eating the foods they produce, when or if I want them. Giving thanks and recognizing my blessings from this creature giving it's life for me is the most important aspect, and fits me much better than being incredibly liberal about it by whining about animal rights, and worse yet, being too conservative by eating it out of resentment. All I can do is what suits my spirit best, and being a vegetarian for reasons beyond my health is not my calling. People die everyday, people suffer needlessly everyday as do animals, it's part of life and the experience. I'm not suggesting we needlessly create death and suffering for one another, but life is a process and in that process we learn from these painful and sometimes finalizing experiences.
In conclusion, consciousness brings about an awareness that creates the choice of responsibility. I have a commitment to continue expanding my consciousness and reaching further for the light everyday. I come to learn over the last 5 years that this does not include me taking on the whole world, all it's problems and all it's suffering, yet only to take on the things that mean the most to me. I have people I love, places I love and values that I hold dear, and those people, places and values will always be put before those of a stranger, places I don't feel connected to and stuff I don't value. I'm finally comfortable with this, and it's liberating!
I look forward to cleaning up my diet again, this time for MY personal health and well being, and hey if a few animals lives are spared and more corporations lose a few more dollars of my money, it's all the better! I never thought I'd ever get comfortable with compromise and what I always called "selling out" or "growing up", but I realize in a corrupt and disconnected nation of sleeping people like America(hard one for me to swallow, but it's true) in it's current system you have to make a choice, and that choice always comes down to questioning one's own happiness. My happiness and well being is more important to me than anything else, and yours should be for you too.
Find your values, tune out on the rest of the world's strong armed "suggestions", find inner balance, follow your passions, keep an open heart and mind, live YOUR life!!
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