CROSSROADS: The Calling/The Dream or "Easy Street"?

After 3 long and quiet weeks out east in New Bethlehem Pennsylvania I have been back in California for 3 days, and to my amazement, I'm not enjoying it, at all.

From the moment(literally) I stepped off the airplane in Los Angeles, I have been stressed, pissed, easily annoyed and depressed. I have returned to the town of Big Bear Lake where I have always found myself at home, only to find myself stressed and annoyed. As I attempt to figure out the shift in this situation, I can't help but keep thinking of my time in Pennsylvania, the things I left behind, the things I learned and the things that have changed from that experience. What it really has come down to is two choices that are equally tempting, one is that of my dreams(which hasn't been working too well for me for almost 2 years now to begin with), and one is settling for "second best" next to my dreams. If you're a dreamer(like I've always been), then you know damn well that "second best" is a unacceptable distant cousin to living one's dreams. But in a world that is collapsing and changing as we know it, that isn't tailored to unconventional living, and in a society that I grow more and more disconnected from as I ascend my own personal path, what is one to do?? It's the age old story of the struggles a person is placed in when they evolve beyond the world around them. After traveling this country countless times, I see less and less of the things I like, yet the original dream remains the same, only now awakened with my calling added to it.

THE DREAM/THE CALLING:

Lifestyle: I've found great comfort in the nomadic lifestyle, and I would like to continue it throughout the United States, as well as going overseas in the foreseeable future, as well as sustaining and expanding within the nomadic lifestyle indefinitely. Based on my life's work/my desires alone, nomadic living is not a "wanderlust" fad, it IS the way I choose/feel called to live my life. I've "settled down" in this lifestyle and that's what it is.

The Calling/Sustaining Income: This world is in very dark times and many people are lost as to what they want to do based on what they feel called to do. Over the years I've tried to justify to myself that I should try different types of work in order to see what a good fit would be for me, a way for me to serve and feel some personal satisfaction within my service. The only result I keep getting is that I'm called to help people seek a higher purpose for themselves, in the times before the "American Dream" this would be equivalent to a gypsy preacher, only in this modern era of great intelligence we have the tools, better understanding and the dying of religion to assist in helping others see their true potential, not based on some book, or theory of what "God wants", but an actual way to look at ourselves and see what powers lie within us, regardless of our spiritual beliefs. I believe that we as people have an ability and right to earn a fair living by providing services that are specially tailored for us, or known as a "calling". These gifts that we have are the only acceptable choice for our path, and we always seem to find that our life works a great deal better when we discover and follow that purpose, of course unless that purpose deeply conflicts with the great evil of all time, the system.

People: Believe it or not, I really love people. I just detest almost everything we do as a species in the modern world, we've lost touch with what is truly important and what is really of value, and now as a species we are dearly paying for it. Most of the worlds population lives a life of fear, myself included. However, unlike most of the worlds population I've chosen to not walk a traditional path just because I was told to do so, or because I was "promised" that if I jump through a few hoops, there would be rewards at the end of those hoops that seem to be vanishing within our planets number one infected sickness, "The American Dream". We're we all supposed to conform in school by letting a teacher educated by the system tell us what the think? We're we all supposed to conform to our parents desires for our lives? Go to college, get a "good" job(good by definition of social status or income level associated with said job), buy an overpriced box with windows known as a house that never truly feels like a home, buy the newest and hottest trendy automobile, have the tie wearing husband that never shows emotion, the smokin' hot wife that always appears "perfect", the children whose intuitive gifts we destroy at a young age by allowing such a system to molest their very being, all the while putting our own desires for them upon them. Is this not completely sick and twisted?!?! What about striving to understand a deeper purpose? Seeing what works for us as an individual, what we feel called to do to make our world a better place, and in turn make the world a better place, not one driven by ego, money based greed and societal power. I understand that people are a product of their environment and only know what they've been exposed to, but I also have learned in my travels across America that most people will not stand up and fight for themselves, they will not question what is expected of them and will not think/feel for themselves, and it is the act of not seeking that for themselves that turns me off with people. In addition to that, I don't understand this "city life phenomenon" where everyone is so impressed with the very being of a city. We are conditioned to believe that there is "nothing to do" unless we have some man made stimulation in our face at every moment. If there isn't some egoically renowned restaurant to eat at, egoically renowned clothing store to shop at, a bar/club to go to or some other lackluster man made "art" creation to go see, we consider a place to have nothing to offer. Yet it's in our own Mother Earth that all of the beauty truly resides. Every city is a mecca for businesses, and it's a large reason why people have flocked to them in large groups. In older times they may have been meccas for building communities, but in the digital age and within the last 150 years, they've seemed to become a cesspool of crime, stress, ego and worst of all, Corporate America. All cities are like a computer operating system, such as Windows or Linux. They all offer the same functions, options and purpose. While you can choose between them, and even change your desktop wallpaper, there isn't really anything fresh and exciting coming from them,  yet there was a deep potential to have made them something incredible in their original creation, and it's not entirely too late for many of them, though some are beyond repair. When you look at how long our planet has been here, our species for that matter too, it's clear that the city itself is a new creation, and one of our most ego based creations, and sadly through a system that is plugged into every facet of life these days, it's effecting everything outside of itself, even deep into what we now call "the country", which not too long ago was just called everyday life for most people. Most people live from this place of city progression, yet it's truly not progress. I'm 100% for change, especially due to the modern day Americana mentality of the world that is traditional living, yet I'm only interested in change for the better, which is not something I see happening with people because we are too afraid to channel our own true calling and powers within each and every one of us. Therefore, I'd rather keep my distance from countless droves of drone like robots now masquerading as human beings. As for fellow seekers of truth, light and real human progress from a point of spiritual ascension, I welcome and seek every one of them across the globe, for they are the only people of interest anymore.

Purpose Driven: So, how do I fulfill my life's work and make an income based on the financial system we have in place right now in a world where that financial system is collapsing, it's resources are being hoarded by the very people I'm working to expose, and how do I reach the sleeping masses of my fellow species who have no conscious desire to awaken from a poisonous pipe dream? These questions have remained my challenge, and my mission for nearly 5 years. They also lead to the comfort of revelations I've discovered while reflecting on my time in Pennsylvania, where I didn't feel stressed, frustrated or depressed for most of my time there.


"EASY STREET"/A Conventional Choice:

Lifestyle: With my growing distaste for fighting to keep following my path in a world currently controlled by darkness, I had a great contrast painted for me while staying with a friend in PA for a few weeks. I realized that I could get any 40+ hour a week job in a remotely beautiful and natural part of America, I could buy/rent a cheap piece of farmland or other natural setting away from civilization, I could go to work, make a few bucks, live cheaply and comfortably. It would not be my dream, it would not be living on purpose, but it would relieve me of the aggravation found in trying to live that purpose. I could find a reasonable level of comfort within a simple life in the country somewhere, this lifestyle choice has been on my mind for over 3 days straight, and is incredibly tempting.

The Calling/Sustaining Income: I could choose to pursue my calling somewhat in this lifestyle choice as well, though not in it's entirety, and with this lifestyle choice being based around simplicity and less stress, I'd more than likely opt for just taking a traditional 9-5 of any kind(does it matter?)just to pay the bills to allow me to have my small piece of land, peace of mind in Mother Nature and distance from the population of robots.

People: In this lifestyle choice, I don't have to interact with people as much as I do in my calling. My calling revolves around people, and the improvement of their spiritual consciousness, this choice would be more of a "hands off" approach. Not encouraging, or offering help to people on any level unless it comes to my front door or if I so desire. I would more than likely have to interact with people at my job, but I can disconnect my emotion from who their ego is and not concern myself with what they do in the world at large. I would basically turn my back on what I was put here to do by encouraging people to feel and think for themselves by just not helping or offering my gifts. I've learned in my travels that most people make this choice and have less stress and suffering as a result.

Purpose Driven: In this lifestyle choice I'm not being driven by purpose, I'm being driven by simplicity and some sense of peace. While I wouldn't feel fulfilled ever, or like I lived my life with purpose, I'd be absolved of any true burdens or hardships of dealing with the society in which we created over the decades/centuries. I'd live a life of simplicity and slowly shut down over the years into just existing in my own little world.

This is not a view of nomad vs settler, or conventional vs unconventional. It's me recognizing that I am an unconventional nomad and that is what my calling is, living the conventional settler life is not my calling but is the temptation of easy street for me(I wonder if it'd actually be easier denying my passions?). It's no different than someone who is truly called to live a conventional settler life that attempts to be an unconventional nomad as an effort of simplicity or "giving up". It's about finding your own path and what works for you, not because the system indoctrinated you to do so, or not because of careless rebellion, but finding what resonates deep in your heart and consciousness.


Both of these are incredibly tempting choices for different reasons, and I wish I could have a little bit of both, but I know better than that. It's a life of service that leads to deep suffering and reward, because a life of purpose intensifies both the pleasures and pains or the light and darkness in a persons life. A life of self indulgence and service to only one's ego(or the system in so many cases for so many people)leads to less fulfilling "victories" that really harm the essence of one's own human spirit, and is the main reason why our world has fallen into a great deal of darkness. I'm just tired of struggling in the minority of those who want to free not only ourselves of financial debts, but most importantly of the prisoner within our souls, and our minds that have been enslaved.



So here I am, in the hustle bustle of California living again reflecting upon my life yet again and debating on which path I want to take. The one of my dreams that I've been constantly fighting to just scrape by with, or the one of easy street that leads to the knowing deep within that I never kept fighting for my purpose. Is it worth it anymore? Is serving the light worth it anymore? I'm not interested in serving the dark by becoming an evil bastard, I'm just not sure I want to serve a world that isn't ready to let go of it's own darkness yet, because the grip darkness has on this planet is only because we-the-people continue to hold it. By not continuing to search for ways to live my calling, I do serve darkness by default because I'm not being responsible for my gift, but I'm not sure I want this gift anymore, and in this dark world? I'm not totally convinced it's not a curse behind the mask of a gift.

Another fucking set of crossroads, which way to go??...


-Zachary Hill 2012(C)

Your Bliss HAS To Come First: Revelations from a Former Vegetarian

When I was 22 years old I became some sort of a vegetarian for about 9 months. My diet consisted mostly of nuts, seeds and fruit, as I don't like vegetables much. I still ate cheese(on salads mainly)and occasionally I'd eat crab meat, outside of that? No meat or dairy products.

I always blamed the food for why I didn't stick with it after the first 9 months. I always believed that veggies never tasted good, that healthy foods are expensive, that I would miss eating meat and other processed junk foods and various other beliefs that held some truth and yet many held nothing. Meat and dairy substitutes often taste disgusting(ANY fake meat Morningstar, Tofurkey, etc. Soy "Milk", Soy Cheese and even with Almond Milk tasting decent, it's still doesn't taste as good as Grade D cow milk)and most natural foods are bland without spicing them up somehow(imagine quinoa by itself). Health foods ARE really expensive!(I'm not talking about pesticide sprayed/GMO flavorless crap from Walmart either)but what is your health and happiness worth to you?? To my surprise, I didn't miss eating meat or processed junk foods whatsoever with the exception of pizza. If I did it again, I wouldn't give up pizza, ever!

The most interesting revelations have come in recent days, nearly 3 years after I went back to eating poorly. So, how did I restart my poor diet in 2009? It's quite simple really. At 2AM one morning I decided to drive to the McDonalds late night drive thru and order a Big Mac, I put it in my mouth and within 5 minutes of ingesting the disgusting greasy chemical filled "food", my stomach paid dearly for it. I truly went from making much progress to eating quite possibly the worst "food" creation known to man, but why?

It finally dawned on me today why I did what I did that night. I do want to make a clear statement on my reasons for cleaning up my diet in the first place. It had NOTHING to do with my own health, and EVERYTHING to do with the suffering of the animals. I was going through this ultra liberal time in my life where I was believing that everything should be peace, love and harmony, God was it(and I)annoying! The time that directly followed was a long battle with the darkest realities of the world, which is what started to influence my fall from vegetarianism. I grew tired of not having money to shell out on healthy foods, I grew tired of feeling judged for my choice, I NEVER felt better physically in my life like I did when I was a vegetarian, and because of my darkness within at that time, I had to sabotage that feeling, not to mention me being slim I couldn't have that. Why? because I felt I didn't deserve to FEEL healthy, BE healthy or LOOK healthy and I certainly didn't give a fuck that animals were suffering anymore, if I had to suffer at the hands of the Corporate Government, so should everyone! I ate more meat than ever to make a point, and in my life as a whole I became a motherfucker in 2010 because I was angry at the worlds injustices, I was resentful towards them and I had an all or nothing attitude. If the world couldn't be a place full of love, light and happiness or at least a place where everyone strives for that at all times, then fuck it, the world should burn and collapse at every turn. Of course, I wasn't as hard and dark as I claimed to project, I was still the incredibly sensitive and caring person I'd always been, just buried under mountains of negative energy.

Fast forward a few years. My diet hasn't improved much since that time, my reasons for eating meat and processed foods isn't "to hell with the animals" anymore and it hasn't been for nearly 2 years now, but it's simple. I do enjoy eating meat, and it's an addiction. It's no secret to my closest friends and loved one's that my drug of choice is "food". I call it "food" because fast food, starches, processed foods, sugar(candy) and the meat that I eat hardly qualifies as food. I do have the memories of how it was to not have my body crave meat whatsoever, to feel completely content with not having to stuff my face throughout the day and this all came at a time where I didn't have a job that made me miserable(think truck driving), I didn't have a lot of personal stress and I felt fairly good coming off the high of my first major traveling adventure out West in 2008.

I write this from a point of greater balance in my mentality, more maturity too. I realize that the world needs it's darkness to balance to the light, I also realize that MY personal choices should not be limited by the outside world and those in it. While I do not see myself becoming a vegetarian again, simply because I enjoy pizza, pasta and the occasional meat dish, I DO see myself cleaning up my diet. I just wasn't ready within myself to do so, until now. Addiction is a hard thing to kick, especially when your addiction doesn't come with the fearful threat of jail time(think marijuana or alcohol consumed when driving), however my addiction comes with a major threat...and no it isn't just the one that comes from a heart attack, cancer or diabetes which can result in death, I'm talking about something MUCH worse than any of those...

The death of my spirit. I've been killing myself for so long because I never truly believed I deserved to live a happy and healthy life of fulfillment. If we are already dead inside, does it matter if our body follows our spirit to an early grave?

I look to take a more Native American approach to eating my food, along with many other actions in how I live. Does animal suffering still bother me? Yes, it does. But not enough anymore to stop eating the foods they produce, when or if I want them. Giving thanks and recognizing my blessings from this creature giving it's life for me is the most important aspect, and fits me much better than being incredibly liberal about it by whining about animal rights, and worse yet, being too conservative by eating it out of resentment. All I can do is what suits my spirit best, and being a vegetarian for reasons beyond my health is not my calling. People die everyday, people suffer needlessly everyday as do animals, it's part of life and the experience. I'm not suggesting we needlessly create death and suffering for one another, but life is a process and in that process we learn from these painful and sometimes finalizing experiences.

In conclusion, consciousness brings about an awareness that creates the choice of responsibility. I have a commitment to continue expanding my consciousness and reaching further for the light everyday. I come to learn over the last 5 years that this does not include me taking on the whole world, all it's problems and all it's suffering, yet only to take on the things that mean the most to me. I have people I love, places I love and values that I hold dear, and those people, places and values will always be put before those of a stranger, places I don't feel connected to and stuff I don't value. I'm finally comfortable with this, and it's liberating!

I look forward to cleaning up my diet again, this time for MY personal health and well being, and hey if a few animals lives are spared and more corporations lose a few more dollars of my money, it's all the better! I never thought I'd ever get comfortable with compromise and what I always called "selling out" or "growing up", but I realize in a corrupt and disconnected nation of sleeping people like America(hard one for me to swallow, but it's true) in it's current system you have to make a choice, and that choice always comes down to questioning one's own happiness. My happiness and well being is more important to me than anything else, and yours should be for you too.

Find your values, tune out on the rest of the world's strong armed "suggestions", find inner balance, follow your passions, keep an open heart and mind, live YOUR life!!

(Re)Born in (New) Bethlehem

The story of the Bible states the following:

"Two accounts in the New Testament describe Jesus as being born in Bethlehem. According to the Gospel of Luke, Jesus' parents lived in Nazareth and traveled for the Census of Quirinius to Bethlehem, where Jesus was born, after which they returned home."

So, a cool dude who owned his own power and knew himself quite well and stood in his integrity regardless of what others thought was born in the little town of Bethlehem?

Today my friend Angela posted something on Facebook regarding my current location: New Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.

"New Bethlehem? Really? Of course! =)"

This instantly brought to my mind the popular story of Jesus being born, which in my case, is quite symbolic. The birthplace of a famous deity? The (re)birth place for me as I prepare to put on the shoes that have been waiting for me for 25 years. I would say Angela is right, this is OF the COURSE!

Week 1 & 2: COLORADO: City Life, Country Life

A month ago today I packed my belongings into 3 bags, turned in the keys to my semi truck and got on a plane from Seattle to Denver, where I stayed for the next 2 weeks. While in Denver, I finally came to peace with the fact that I am no longer a city boy, and not only am I no longer a city boy, I am in fact a COUNTRY BOY! I don't hold deep hatred for the city like I did in 2010, I don't feel the need to "give it another try" like I did in 2011, I just am flat out done with US cities outside of using them for hubs of transportation or to visit loved ones. Denver is one of the better cities in America, and yet I still couldn't relax with all the people and energy there. This plays into the theme of my coming full circle on many issues, it's a part of me reaching my true place within. Noise, pollution, lots of people, cement and chaos does not mix with my energy or my path anymore. I also had a chance to spend time with friends and do some outdoor recreation all around the state of Colorado which was WONDERFUL! I made peace with the fact that I'm a country boy and the city was a chapter of contrast that made me appreciate the home I've now found in the rural areas.

Week 3: ILLINOIS: Back to Berwyn, the Broken Home:


After realizing that my situation in Denver wasn't going to work, I instantly felt compelled to spend a week in Illinois visiting my grandparents in Wonder Lake, which was a blessing!!(one that I've been manifesting since June)In the past I held a lot of hatred and resentment towards Illinois but during this visit, I found nothing but enjoyment in the beautiful nature around Wonder Lake. While it would never be home again, it wasn't the hell it once seemed to be. I knew my next stop would be PA, so my grandfather and I headed to my childhood home of Berwyn the night before so I could get to the Greyhound station at a reasonable time. In addition to having my favorite pizza in the world, I noticed a huge shift in returning home. I never really felt peace or came to terms with where I grew up, until this trip. The water in the faucet tasted the same, the shower that I spent every night singing, crying and purging my emotions was no different than it was 10 years ago, the house was built in 1902 and has been in a state of collapse since I left. I use to listen to the Papa Roach song "Broken Home" thinking about my childhood in that home growing up without my vision of a family unit, how I found ways to create a sense of family(see: Pennsylvania)for myself as I became older and what it took to realize that at 25 years of age the home was still broken. I stood in my old bedroom, I took a shower, I walked the grounds and drove around the old neighborhood but it wasn't until I stood in front of the house and looked at it that I realized what was most important. The home was falling apart, the floors crooked, the roof collapsing and paint peeling. Once it's floors were straight, it's roof sturdy and the paint shiny and fresh. My childhood there was a time when the house was strong and I was broken. Over 10 years later the house is now broken and I am the strong one. Not only am I strong, I am at peace and have a deep gratitude for growing up there, I left when I was 16. I made peace with the beauty that came from living there in my childhood, I made peace with where I grew up and I am released of the suffering associated within the walls of the house that I once called home. 

Nickelback has a song called "Photograph" where the singer sings about returning to his childhood home and hometown for reflection. As for my childhood in Berwyn Illinois? The chorus of the song sums it up best...

"Every memory of walking out the front door I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for It's hard to say it, time to say it, Goodbye, goodbye.."

 WEEK 4 & BEYOND: PENNSYLVANIA: 10 Years in 10 Days/New Bethlehem Rebirth:


2001 to 2004: My friend Trish and I have known each other for over 10 years. Me in Chicago and her in Pittsburgh. We met in a chatroom back when 56k dial up internet was the latest thing and we developed a close friendship instantly. Spending countless nights online as teenagers listening to the likes of our depressing teenage music, me with whiny crybaby KoRn lost in my sadness and depression, her with the bloodchilling screams of Slipknot to fuel her rage. She had asshole boyfriends, I had crazy girlfriends and we both were whiny, emo, Generation Y crystal children that were highly psychic(unbeknownst to us at the time)living in the dark times that were the late 90's/early 00's. We talked every night online and were involved in one another's lives for everything from breakups, school problems and family members passing. Ever tried being an intuitive teenager that feels energy intensely in this fucked up country? We did, we lived it AND we were a great team!

2008 to Now: We had a few years of silence, but not due to bad blood, I moved, my mom remarried and with life getting busy for me, we lost touch, until 2008. I decided to send her a MySpace message out of the blue and surely enough we picked up right where we left off, with a few notable differences..
I was the depressed sad one when we were teens, now she was. She was the angry raging one as teens, now I was. My KoRn became Disturbed and her Slipknot became new Staind, wow...
As the years went by we continued to talk online and more so on the phone, we went through new struggles and challenges and continued to get one another to laugh through all the insanity. I could be in my darkest moments and somehow talking to Trish is always like an injection of humor. We share the same sense of cruel and crude humor that never gets old, but always gets most people looking at us like were nuts!

It seemed natural that my intuition would lead me to the east after leaving Illinois. Last year when my mobile home life became broken, I went from Denver to Chicago to Pennsylvania, this year it was the same story as last, but different circumstances. When Trish, her mother and her boyfriend(Rodger)asked me on the phone when I was going to visit again, I took it as a sign to head out there this September to end my summer as autumn begins.


See, Trish is my teenage childhood experience, so the natural progression after coming to terms with young childhood is to come to terms with the next step, and that is part of the karma I feel that drew me out here this year. We didn't grow up in the same neighborhood or even the same state for that matter, yet we both came from shithole cities, we both ended up living in the country, we both went through unique experiences that shared similarity yet major difference and we've both remained friends through everything, AND she's one of the few people I've never had conflict with, ever.

Sounds like a recipe for a great relationship eh? And it is, and that's what we have. In her rage, I was the only person never mistreated and later in my rage, she was the same. I realized while out here why our relationship never went to the next step, and while I never lost any sleep over it, I always wondered and I could never logically understand it, which my analytical mind always wanted to know. I always loved and adored her, cherished our connection and we both feel each other intuitively, even across the country when one of us is sick, hurting or going through good times. We read each others minds constantly and the list continues...

It hit me like a brick last night, she's the sister in my soul family. Last night was the FIRST time we stayed up late talking IN PERSON after a decade behind a computer screen or over the phone, but coming here to the wonderful land energy of western PA and out here at her country home in NEW Bethlehem it all made sense, I needed to come to PA to finalize the teenage years and early 20's part of my life. I look at her face to face and see so much of myself and my own past that I realized in many ways, we are mirrors to one another and bookends on many of life's karmic issues. She FINALLY has a boyfriend that I respect, genuinely like and trust for her well being right now and for the foreseeable future, a low maintenance home in the beautiful country rolling hills of the mid-Atlantic region and most of all I can feel her contentment and peace, and now that I have my own(unlike when I visited last year), I can SEE it and know it in my heart.

It's uncertain when exactly I'm leaving to return West from here, but I now recognize this powerful rebirth process that started early last year, I just needed to go through a bunch of shit so I could get to this point. I am finally ready to wear the shoes that were made for me, to be reborn into my higher self and to take responsibility for the life I have been chosen to walk. In addition to seeing Trish, coming to Pennsylvania has brought me to peace with the east. I really love it here and I can have the best of all worlds as a traveler.

I am reborn of gratitude, love and appreciation, that recognizing the suffering transformed me and molded me and that I was never alone, that God provided in the form of family, friends, nature, travel and new experiences.


I am enrolling in online entrepreneur endeavors that I am excited about, the possibility of working the ski resorts this winter but most of all, just seeing where life takes me next. I have never felt this calm, cool and collected in my life, it's truly a first. Chris Daughtry's song "September" sums up exactly what I'm experiencing. He say's it's about looking back at childhood and how things change, finding gratitude for the experiences and realizing that you either keep moving forward or backward...

I'm ready, and moving forward.

"Of all the things I still remember
Summer's never looked the same
The years go by and time just seems to fly
But the memories remain.

In the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could've been
It was worth it in the end."

-Zachary Hill 2012(C)

Shifting in September

((A follow up to last years post: DANCING IN SEPTEMBER))


Sitting on the porch of my second Denver apartment on this breezy cool Colorado summer night. Elephant Revival in my headphones as I return to the thing I do best, the thing that fills me up most: Writing.

Six months spent as a truck driver took away a lot of my time to write. In fact, I haven't written more than one or two things in this period. Trucking gave me a view of life on the road in a different capacity, and while it was a miserable lifestyle overall, I am grateful to have experienced it. I am becoming more of a soul driven by new experiences rather than following a rigid plan. While I don't miss trucking one bit and I don't have any desire to return, it's good to know that I can always make a few bucks doing it if I'm in a jam.

The crickets are chirping tonight here on the Aurora/Denver border. I live about one block from the border of Aurora in a nice suburban neighborhood(still too sterile for me though), as opposed to last year where I was more centralized in the city itself in a poorer part of town. Both have provided different experiences, but this visit has been much better than last years, largely in part because I am much happier with myself than I was last year. Last year after the van I was living in was totaled in a Denver suburb, I got on an airplane to Chicago and helped my parents move to California. I stopped to see my grandparents and then took a trip to the east coast. Interestingly enough, I have planned to visit my grandparents in Wonder Lake and a friend in Joliet, Illinois for a few months now. My intuition is suggesting I head out to Illinois in the coming days, followed by visiting a friend in Pennsylvania. This is, more or less, almost EXACTLY what I did last year. Living in Denver with the SAME FRIENDS then going to Chicago, then to the east coast(Pennsylvania included last year)during the first 2 weeks of September! What else is new? After all, I DO have that Forest Gump thing going on!! ;)

September has ALWAYS been my month of reflection, it's always been my most positive month too(thanks to 23 years in Illinois? Where September is the ONLY month that isn't cold, overcast and miserable or too humid and hot?)and it's always a month that sets the pace for reflecting on the prior year while moving into the next big adventure. This past year has been an adventure that has revolved about my truck driving life, my ambition to venture off into North Dakota's oil fields to make money, and ultimately my failure to accomplish any of the things I set out to do with my CDL.

But was it a failure?...

Not exactly. In fact, I learned A LOT of stuff since last September. I lived with my folks for about a month last October in San Jose, California. I then headed off to Big Bear Lake, California for a while to then venture off to Williston, North Dakota with another kindred spirit in search of the black gold. 2 weeks later I was back in my first love state of Arizona for about a week and then back to Big Bear Lake AND THEN back to San Jose for the holidays. While in San Jose, I ended up with $50 to my name and found myself purging a lot of the final remnants of 2011's journey. I stagnated in San Jose until February where I took the last of my money(and some borrowed from a friend)and made my way down to Fontana, California for trucking school with CR England. I graduated 3 weeks later and was out on the road. I spent 2 weeks running loads as a team from CA/AZ to Chicago and back. I then spent 6 weeks in a truck with another student running the 11 western states. I severed ties with CR England in May and went to Knight Transportation. I spent the month of June with a trainer driving the 11 western states and the midwest before finally getting my own Peterbilt, which I only lasted in for about 2 months. During all this time, I learned a heckuva lot!

I learned tolerance by living with incredibly negative and irritating strangers in multiple semi trucks the size of a handicapped bathroom stall. I learned a new skill that allowed me to continue on the western highways, I learned that the bullshit in the trucking industry was every bit as bad(if not worse)than it was when I was an office worker/loader nearly 7 years ago. I learned to keep my rage in check while being pushed by the absolute worst company I ever worked for in my life, CR England. I learned that it's okay to walk away from toxic situations before I become completely fucking miserable by allowing myself to get to that point again while working for Knight Transportation. I realized that no matter how good the trucking company(though CRE and Knight were NOT good companies), I would never be satisfied in that line of work, and that it's best to be used only if needed.

Most importantly I learned to work towards my dreams at all times. The next chapter? Embrace the author within, cultivate an environment based around Location Independence within business to allow my lifestyle to exist AND thrive.

Since last September I've been fortunate to see all of my loved one's with the exception of those out east(except for one). I'm calmer, more balanced, less tolerant of societal bullshit(but not hyperfocusing on it like last year), more driven to succeed in my dreams(mainly because doing anything else is HELL!!!)and I'm FINALLY ready to step into the shoes that were created for me!

My ambitions this September are to see myself working towards that Location Independence by doing something I enjoy, furthering my spirituality, seeing people I love(AS ALWAYS!), travel(as always!)and starting to become more active within the web community. It's the best way to network!

Oh, there's also a Euro-Trip on the agenda at one point, most likely sometime next summer. I'd like to see a different continent and since I'm new to International Travel outside of North America, I'd like to engage a continent that is similar enough to get my feet wet, yet different enough to experience different cultures within the European countries.


I have always acknowledged that September is my month.


Colorado has always been one of my favorite states, and quite honestly is one of about four states that I could see myself settling in one day, if I ever were to settle(California, Oregon and Washington are the other three. Sorry, I can't deal with conservatives and their tired ideas on a regular basis anymore, so unless I'm living in the middle of nowhere, it's these four states or bust!...and of course, NORTHERN Arizona ;P I've always had a soft spot for her). I now understand partially why I came back to Colorado at this time of my journey. I also see what Colorado signifies for me.

Where Arizona has always been a place of firsts(first state I ever fell in love with, first town I ever fell in love with(Sedona), first time I never felt alone, first time I ever moved out of mom and dad's house, first time I ever moved to a city I absolutely hated(Phoenix), first place I ever made love that touched my soul, first girl I ever loved deeply, first state I ever felt at peace in and many other firsts!), and California was the first state I felt like I belonged in, the first place I actually would tell people I'm from(I still tell people I'm a Californian and I haven't been in the state in at least a month!), I discovered that Colorado is the place I visit right before I set off on a new adventure, and before I head in a new direction. Colorado is a place of deep reflection for me, in many ways I have some of the most impacting reflections and revelations while deep in the rocky mountains or surprisingly enough while in Denver.


The time to depart Colorado(for now)is nearing as I feel the pull eastward. I look forward to this September being it's usual powerhouse month, I look forward to seeing what will transform and what new adventures I will work towards as the fall season starts to set in. In addition, I look forward to the Illinois Indian summer, followed by the early autumn east coast mid Atlantic Pennsylvania autumn(perhaps a detour to the Blue Ridge Parkway? =:D)!..

...and of course for those of you who know me(ideally, that is)...returning to the SOUTHWEST just in time to avoid the SNOW!!! ;P


I'm looking forward during these dark and scary times in the world, and while the fear may linger...the PASSION and EXCITEMENT outweigh it tenfold.


Onward...


Written: Denver, Colorado 2012

-Zachary Hill (C) 2012

(E)very (N)ew (G)raduate (L)eaves (A)fter (N)inety (D)ays: My C.R. England Experience

((DISCLAIMER: I am writing about my experience with C.R. England/CRE to hold them accountable for their behavior and to shine light on the way they conduct themselves. This goes out as a warning to all potential students/potential drivers or for anyone that is considering attending the CRE trucking school or working for them.))

I have been in shipping/receiving and I have been a truck dispatcher on and off since 2006. I know how to treat drivers and what their needs are, I always did my best to be respectful, honest and to get their needs met while also getting the loads delivered safely and on time. In both positions I worked in the petro-chemical industry and though this is my first experience as an actual truck driver and in the refrigerated/dry goods business, I will be as fair and emotionally detached from my experience with C.R. England and how they conduct business as possible. I would not recommend them to anyone under any circumstances(especially if you have children or/and a mortgage to take care of).This review however is MY experience and doesn't speak for all CRE drivers/employees(though it seems to speak for the majority). The personal standards I hold for myself and others along with my integrity does not match the values(or therefore lack of)found at England.

PHONE CALL WITH RECRUITER(s):

PROs

*They will set you up to attend school

CONs

*They will tell you that you can become a solo or team company driver after training. Then after training you'll be put on a waiting list that can take up to months to get a company truck, meanwhile they push their lease program on you. If you don't take it, you will sit at home.

*They will continue to tell you how your education is free. It's not! You will trade 6 months of your life or pay $3,000 for it. Nothing is free with England.
  

C.R. ENGLAND PREMIER TRUCK DRIVING SCHOOL/FONTANA, CALIFORNIA:

PROs:

*Get your CDL class A(if you get any endorsements other than air brakes, you will be fired. If you have endorsements other than air brakes you'd better remove them, or you will be fired.) ~ this is what my class was told by the teacher.

CONs:

*Unprofessional classroom teachers
*Lies from upper management/teachers
*Teachers/yard instructors have a bad attitude and avoid answering your questions, they usually respond with a smartass remark or belittling comment
*Teachers/yard instructors keep repeating how the education is free. It is NOT free!!! You are exchanging either 6 months of your life with a company that will lie to you about nearly everything OR you will have to pay them $3,000 plus interest
*You will not learn everything you need to know to take a truck out safely on the road
*They go on and on about the lease program, even if you're not interested


I signed up for the $0 tuition in exchange for 6 months of employment with CRE. That means that if I don't stay for at least 6 months, I owe them $3,000(plus interest!). The teachers/school management will lie to you about numerous things such as:

"We can take away your CDL after you have it if you quit working for us."

FACT: I called the California DMV in Sacramento and spoke with three different people, all of which told me that wasn't accurate or true.

"You CANNOT get doubles/triples, tanker or passenger endorsements on your CDL when we send you for the test."

FACT: YES, you CAN! They just discourage it because they don't offer opportunities to drive those types of vehicles, therefore they must assume you may quit and go elsewhere. After working with them for a while you will see why getting the endorsements is a good idea.

"Leasing is the best option!"

FACT: If you look at the numbers of drivers on the internet and at a truck stops that have decided to lease with CRE, you will see that is not true. While it is true that SOME drivers have had success with England's "fleece" forced lease program, you will find that most are "starved" on miles. My phase 1 trainer suggested I don't lease with England and even encouraged me to quit and work for a better company as soon as I had enough experience. They've also had lawsuits filed against them by numerous drivers.

"Your hotel stay during school is free."

FACT: That is another lie, it's been porked into your tuition costs!


BOTTOM LINE: If you have any money, if you can get a grant from the state or if you have to work for McDonalds for 6 months to save money to send yourself to trucking school, then do it! All of these options are better than going through the C.R. England school experience. If you're just looking for quick cash but don't really want to be a truck driver, then go to McDonalds and flip burgers. They'll pay you about $8-$10 per hour and your check will be at least $300-$400 per week after taxes. With England, I never made over $400 for a week, most checks were under $200 and I even had one for -$6 because they kept stealing money from my check that I did not authorize(on all occasions they did this).

PHASE ONE TRAINING/Dedicated Southern California to Illinois(and midwest):

 During phase 1 training I was put with an owner operator. Not a lease operator, but a true owner operator. This guy had a title for his truck and owned it out right. He was a nice person and we got along fine on a personal level(he even brought me to his parent's house for dinner on our day off), but on a professional level? He wasn't a very good trainer, at all. My first night driving from Fontana California to Yuma Arizona was a nightmare. He went to sleep as I drove, with no experience except the few times around the block during school. Also, he had a 13 speed instead of the 9 speed I learned on. I came to learn in about 2 days that the 13 speed was really easy to drive, but it added stress and danger to the situation for me driving my first night. Especially since I was up at 6AM that day waiting for him(he was supposed to pick me up at 7AM)and he didn't pick me up until 8PM, I was already tired by then. We ran primarily from southern California to Chicago Illinois(where I grew up)and also spent some time in Pennsylvania, Ohio, Kentucky and Indiana. It was 2 weeks of basically just driving. I had the opportunity to back the truck up about 5 times and never really learned how to do it since he just kept telling me "turn left, turn right, go straight" etc. We never once trip planned with the road atlas, I was barely shown how to use the Qualcomm(I figured it out myself)and overall there was just not a lot of training involved. Just me driving. Phase One was the best part of my England experience, and yet it wasn't enough to get me ready to be a professional truck driver. That happened in phase 2, but not because of England, I had to teach myself.

PHASE ONE "UPGRADE"/Fontana, California/Salt Lake City, Utah:

CRE told me(and everyone else)that phase one upgrade would take 2 days, maybe 3. For me and many others in my upgrade class? It took 8. They kept dragging us back into class telling us the trucks were broke down which I found amazing because while I was in school they kept taking up my school training time to use my truck for upgrades on phase one'rs, so why wasn't that done for us? Better yet, why did we have to keep coming to class every morning to sit for 8 hours with nothing to do and then go back to the hotel? Why were we told we had to log ourselves "on duty not driving" for our paper logs when we weren't being paid?  After upgrading from phase one, I sat at two different hotels in southern California for another week and a half waiting for a trainer to pick me up before finally getting put on a Greyhound bus and shipped to Salt Lake City, Utah. This is where things REALLY went down hill.


SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH HEADQUARTERS/WAITING FOR PHASE 2 TRAINER:

I kept thinking to myself that things with CRE should be getting better. I kept ignoring all of the negative commentary on the company, but to no surprise, it was all true. If you do decide to go with CRE, try to stay away from the headquarters at all costs! The energy is draining as there are many angry and pissed off students/drivers roaming the hallways, and rightfully so. Here are some of the "highlights" of the CR England facility in Salt Lake City:

*Metal detectors that you have to pass through to speak with office personnel. Gee, I wonder why?

*The food is overpriced at "Chester's Ye Old English Restaurant" located inside the training facility and it sucks(my phase 2 partner had bad food poisoning from it too, he was puking all night). AND if you want one pickle chip on your hamburger, it's an additional 40 cents. I've never seen this at a real restaurant! Also, when's the last time in any restaurant in America you've been charged for a soda refill? Almost never. At CRE Utah, you'll pay for a soda refill!! Nice way to treat your workers!

*You're treated like a piece of cattle by security, the office personnel and anyone you encounter that works there.

*A CR England T shirt will cost you $18, a hat will cost you $16 at their store. Most companies provide these uniforms free!(I know my current company does!)

*You will be forced to buy a $35 padlock for the trailer and a $5 thermostat. These can be bought at Walmart for $15 total, but CRE will tell you that you HAVE to buy it from them and it's payroll deducted. Another $40 forcefully taken from you.

I waited 3 days in SLC to be dispatched with a phase 2 trainer, instead I was dispatched in the "Q" fleet.

THE "Q" FLEET/What Should Have Been PHASE TWO:

Has England told you about their Q fleet? The Q Fleet is where you bypass phase two in exchange for training WITH ANOTHER STUDENT. That's right, you train with another student, a whole 12,000 miles with another student who knows as much(or less)than you do. I told the placement lady for phase two that it was not acceptable for me to be placed in an 80,000 pound rig with another person that knew as much as I did about driving the rig, to which she responded: "It'll get you through training quicker. Now, are you going to lease?" All she was concerned with is rushing me through phase two so I could get into the lease program(which would allow me to become a trainer with only roughly 2 months of OTR experience). I waited a total of almost 3 weeks without even being in a truck to get a phase two trainer and instead I was stuck with another student. I'd like to remind you that you ARE paying for this education either with your time or money and by them putting a person in the Q fleet they are robbing them of the chance to learn from a properly trained "professional" driver. While I was anxious to get out on my own, I wanted to be properly trained first. The Q fleet is not only a rip off to the student driver, but it's dangerous to every single person and their family who drives on any road that CR England trucks drive on. The results of poor training and having two drivers in an 80,000 pound truck together with a combined experience of 3 months leaves room for major error that can result in property damage, injury and death.

Q Fleet/Phase 2 "Training"/11 Western States:

This is where things really went downhill. It was so chaotic that it's even exhausting getting ready to write about it. Up to this point I had been patient with the companies lies, the rudeness and the lack of professionalism of their employees. Most of the loads we were dispatched on were between 400 and 600 miles. These are tailored for solo drivers and we were expected to run these as a team, therefore sleep deprivation kicked in heavily for me since I was the over night driver, but I never had the chance to drive and therefore would be up all day long and then they'd dispatch us on a long haul. Phase 2/Q fleet is also supposed to be about 2-3 weeks, ours was 6 weeks because of the companies inability to handle break downs and dispatch loads correctly.

FOUR STATE FUEL LEAKING FREIGHTLINER
 

 BREAK DOWN NUMBER 1:
About four days in the Q, my partner and I were taking a load from southern California to Medford, Oregon, followed up by a load from Fife, Washington to Moscow, Idaho. Our 2011 Freightliner Cascadia(P.O.S)started to leak fuel  somewhere in northern California. As we descended into Ashland, Oregon I noticed the drivers side drive tires were smoking on the down grade while I used the jake brake, I later discovered diesel fuel all over them. I contacted road service and informed them of the leak, they told me "deliver your load in Medford, then take it to a truck stop and call us." We took the truck to the TA truck stop in Phoenix, Oregon to get it looked at, they told us to take it to a Freightliner dealership and have it fixed. I called CRE and told them we had successfully delivered our load in Medford and that the TA suggested we go to the Freightliner dealership 1 mile down the road, road service suggested we head up to Washington to pick up our Fife load and "deal with it later." I called dispatch and he told me the same thing. Being new in the trucking business and not wanting to jeopardize our future, my partner and I decided to listen to the advice of our "professional" shop and office managers not wanting to rock the boat. After picking the load up in Fife, Washington and after making the delivery in Moscow, Idaho the leak worsened. I called my dispatcher and road service again to get the repair handled, this time being more firm as we've already entered four states with a fuel leak, I started to lose my patience with the way this was being handled, new driver "paying their dues" or not. Dispatch gave us a load picking up in Hermiston, Oregon going to San Diego, California! I called road service again with the urgency of getting the repair fixed, they told me to call our dispatcher who told us to take the load and get the leak handled "when we have time". We started heading towards Hermiston, Oregon only to run out of gas completely in the small town of Colfax, Washington. I called fuel, road service and dispatch AT LEAST 30 times this morning while walking to all four gas stations(not truck stops)seeing if they would take Comdata or a Comcheck, none of them took either. While getting bounced around rudely and dealing with attitude with every single person I spoke with, I still couldn't get the situation rectified. A girl in fuel suggested I pay for diesel at the gas station and buy a gas can with my own money, yeah right!!! I already didn't have much money to buy food with and live off of as it was(my partner had less!)and CRE doesn't have a good rep at handling payroll reimbursements in a timely fashion(and apparently handling fuel leaks in a timely fashion). 30 phone calls later and after talking to countless people I was finally authorized to call the local repair shop and see what they could do. After diagnosis we learned that they couldn't fix it, but they did put 20 gallons of diesel in our truck(and billed England)to get us to Spokane, Washington where CRE would FINALLY authorize us to fix our truck, and the nightmare was just beginning.

TRUCK REPAIR AND BREAKDOWN NUMBER 2:
My partner and I sat at the Super 8 in Spokane for 2 nights while we waited(without pay)to get our truck fixed at a lousy Freightliner repair shop. CRE said they would pay for our hotel rooms which came out to about $65 per night and they did. However, on my next paycheck they deducted  $65 per night for both nights!! When I called to get the situation addressed the rude payroll people(I talked to 3 of them)argued with me and told me I wouldn't be reimbursed, to this day I still haven't been reimbursed!!! The next day after we sat for 3 days unpaid and the fuel leak was fixed we were dispatched on a load out of Pasco, Washington to Long Beach, California. We made it about 65 miles before the D.E.F sensor went out in Mattawa, WA causing the truck to not go over 5 MPH. We had to drop our trailer in Mattawa(another driver came for it)and we were towed to Yakima for repair, the shop we were towed to happened to be the sister shop to the place we were repaired by in Spokane. The one in Yakima was a little quicker and more professional, but not by much. This time CRE authorized us to stay at the Best Western in Yakima and paid with a Comcheck for $83 for one night. England ALSO took this $83 out of my check!!! ((I finally was reimbursed for the $83 on my last check because I raised hell with payroll and threatened with calling the labor board, I still have not seen the $65 for either night in Spokane.)) The shop fixed us overnight and we were off to our next delivery in Fort Worth, Texas. Our TC said we would be paid our layover pay for the breakdown, it took them 4 weeks to process it.

MY CO-DRIVER PHASE 2/SLEEP APNEA INSURANCE SCAM

During all this time my co-driver had received a negative paycheck each and every week, except the last week which was $50 after deductions. His biggest deduction? A sleep apnea machine CRE forced him to install in the truck before we left. Now, there's nothing wrong with him having to use a sleep apnea machine, what is wrong is that England's health insurance was supposed to cover the cost of the machine and instead they kept taking large chunks of money out of his check. In 6 weeks I loaned him $400 to keep him alive for food and his bills, if it wasn't for me he would have lost his car and starved. He has since paid me back $300(he still works for England, so I understand if it takes him a while to get me the other $100). His biggest check? $50. His smallest? -$75. NEGATIVE 75!!! This is indentured slavery.

SET UP FOR FAILURE: STIR FRY VEGETABLES, WAREHOUSE WORK & DISPATCHED LATE LOADS/QUALCOMM PAYROLL ISSUES

A few weeks later we had been a load in Stockton, California with bagged Stir Fry vegetables. My partner opened the doors at the customer to dock the truck for unloading, I was in the sleeper and woke up to him cussing. I came out of the truck to see an entire pallet full of stir fry vegetables busted open on the ground and in the back of the truck. The shipper had overloaded the trailer and didn't secure the load properly, shit happens. We put the product back in the trailer as best we could, the receiver rejected the load, of course, so I called my dispatcher to see what needed to be done. He told us to unload the entire pallet and reload it and that they would pay us to do so, though he couldn't tell me what we would be paid. I told him they were taking money out of my check and we still hadn't been paid break down pay from Washington 4 weeks prior and that I didn't trust them to pay, I refused to unload and re-stack the pallets , not only because of the pay, but because the boxes were damaged and it was a waste of time. About 30 minutes later I came back out of the truck to see that my partner had started to attempt to reload the pallet, I decided to help him because after all, we were both getting the shaft by CRE and we just wanted to get going with our next load. Our dispatcher then set us up to pick up a loaded trailer at the Stockton yard and take it to Portland, Oregon with only 9 hours to do it. However, he wanted us to go back to the customer in Stockton with the stir fry load and deliver the load. I told him this would make us late for our Oregon delivery and he said "make it work!". Luckily enough, the receiver in Stockton rejected our load again(which I KNEW they would and I told the dispatcher that in the first place)so we dropped the trailer at the Stockton yard(with permission from our DM)and took the load up to Portland, we were only an hour late, imagine if we had not been rejected in Stockton, we would have probably been 5 hours late. During my time in shipping/receiving and as a dispatcher I NEVER encouraged drivers to handle a situation the way we were handled. We did not receive any extra pay for our efforts to reload the pallet, nor to deal with all the other BS. Also, despite the Qualcomm saying every single load we took was to pay 15 cents per mile, we were actually making 12 cents per mile on top of all this and when I called payroll the girl told me "it's 25 cents per mile for the truck, thats 12 cents per mile each" I corrected her math and told her "thats 24 cents per mile for the truck if its 12 each", she didn't like that and they kept dispatching us at 15 CPM, we only saw the 12 CPM in the long run, more lies.


MY FINAL DELIVERY AT CR ENGLAND/THE CONCLUSION

My last delivery at C.R. England was the final straw of their disorganization and head games. Our dispatcher had been running us late on loads(I believe intentionally because we didn't want to lease, and we told them that)and we had requested time off almost 2 weeks ahead of time. I sent a Qualcomm message requesting 4 days off BEFORE my phase 2 upgrade since I had not had a day off since February and this was the last few days of May. On Monday, my partner and I were authorized to take that up and coming Saturday/Sunday off. Our load was from Kennewick, Washington down to southern California with a four stop deliver. Santa Ana, Ontario, Riverside and Moreno Valley. The first delivered Wednesday, 2 and 3 on Thursday and the fourth one on Friday. We averaged about 150 miles for 4 days of work, they could've given us a load to Phoenix, Stockton or Salt Lake and back, but instead decided to starve us in SoCal. My partner and I worked it out where he would deliver these loads and I could go home for a few days seeing how when we got to Mira Loma, CA on Monday morning I only had 2 hours left on my 70 and he had more. We both had Tuesday off(long overdue)...or so I thought...I come to learn that dispatch wanted us to drop the trailer on Tuesday in Mira Loma and take a load to Butte, Montana followed by a load routing us back to Salt Lake City for phase 2 upgrade. I was out of hours and there was no way we would be back in time for our approved Saturday/Sunday off in SoCal. My partner declined the load due to hours and decided to deliver the 4 local loads in the LA area. I didn't hear anything from my TC or dispatcher from Monday morning all the way until Friday when I called my dispatcher and asked him if we were getting back to Salt Lake on Monday/Tuesday for upgrade. He informed me that my partner had been running solo loads to Las Vegas and Los Angeles on Thursday and Friday and that he was disappointed I didn't take the load to Montana. How could I? I was out of hours and I wasn't going to jeopardize my 2 days off in nearly 3 months or get a log violation from DOT for a dispatcher that put us through hell for 6 weeks.

That week while I was at home I spoke with 6 trucking companies thinking that I may not be able to find a job with another company, all 6 of them offered me a position and I accepted with the one I felt was the best fit for me at this time. I told my partner I wasn't going back to SLC for upgrade(which he was cool with)and that I would turn my fuel cards in at Mira Loma. Our load was finished and I left my truck with my partner in Mira Loma that Monday, I was instructed by corporate to turn the fuel cards in with security at Mira Loma and I did so on Sunday before starting with my new company the following day. I called my TC to inform her that I would no longer be working with CR England and as usual, I wasn't able to reach her. I left her a detailed voicemail with my return number in case she had any questions for me, I haven't heard from anyone at England since(except my partner, who isn't happy with them either).

I haven't listed everything that happened at CRE because the list is exhausting to look at. I put the main details in this lengthy review because I wanted to shine a bright light on why I would not recommend this company or their school to any driver, especially those who have a lot on their plate, such as family or mortgages. I am a hard worker, honest and I believe in having integrity, as a driver, a dispatcher, a shipper/receiver and most of all as a human being. CR England as a company is not honest, does not have integrity but I will say they do work hard at finding ways to make money off the backs of their workers and at their workers expense. I have no respect for the England family and the way they conduct themselves. I stayed with England for about 95 days or so, just long enough to get in some experience and hold onto my hat while I looked for a better opportunity. I have found a company that meets my needs and have already been treated with the respect and integrity I give and deserve in return. I've been in this business long enough to know that there are rough times and shit happens, but when shit starts raining on you, make sure you're with a company that will be there to HELP you and not intentionally fuck you at every chance they can.

Whether or not you decide to drive or go to school with C.R. England I wish you the best, I hope you find my review and my experience helpful(it's been a costly one). Not everyone is a "whiny driver", I know I'm certainly not, but the truth of evil doings by people needs to be exposed, especially in this modern day corporate takeover. If my review isn't enough to convince you about the truth behind C.R. England, feel free to search the internet for other stories from other people who have become victims to their scam.

Like most things in life if you dig deep enough, you'll find the truth. Find the truth about C.R. England, and you'll see clearly why, every new graduate leaves after ninety days.

-Zachary Hill 2012(C)

Not A Traveler: It's Just Who I Am

 (Photo: Me at Big Bear Lake during dusk((2011))

Wow, it's been a while! I'M BACK! Lately I've been an Insomni-ZAC ;)

I haven't written anything in nearly 2 months. It feels so foreign, but it's good to be back at the keyboard.

Exhaustion brought on by severe frustration has been the theme these past few months, especially the month of May. It's been a struggle to stay grounded, optimistic and moving in the direction of my dreams. That's exactly what this long overdue writing is about, dreams.

As a child I would dream of a better world, a world where everybody lived their authentic purpose and followed their bliss. I wasn't aware of how to put that into words, but I knew the feeling quite well. I spent a large portion of my childhood and teenage years living in a closet, inside societal guidelines and suffocating my spirit. These things still happen to this day, though not as frequent.

I have struggled to accept my place in the wheel of the world from time to time, I often find this planet full of insanities demonstrated by the human race and I've come to realize that most people are just flowing with the path that has already been laid before them. While that has never been my style, I've found much internal conflict over being authentic and doing what I want in a world that intentionally aims to stifle that very freeing birth-purpose.

Take my travels for instance. The three most commonly asked questions I receive about my travels are..

1. What is your favorite place?

2. How do you afford it?

3. When/where do you think you will settle down when the wanderlust and travel bug wears off?

The first two are very good questions. Financial funding for travel is a reality in our current system and since I travel a lot it's likely I have a favorite location, but the third question is where I get lost and often, where I lose other people. However, the first two questions can explain why I raise an eyebrow at the third. It's obvious that this "wanderlust" is actually wanderlove. This isn't a passing fad, it isn't something that I'm "doing during my college years" or anything like that, this IS my life.

When I answer question #3 with the truth, the next question is usually one of the following..

1. "BUT IF you had to settle down somewhere, where would it be?"

2. "What are you going to do when/if you fall in love with a girl?"

3. "What about children, when/if you have them, would you stop traveling?"

 I generally enjoy being asked these questions as much as I enjoy answering them because I enjoy asking/answering hypothetical questions, especially if they're possible things that I/the other person may face someday, but I can't help but feel like most people don't understand why I love to travel so much, and it's usually because they themselves, are not travelers. But, neither am I.

There came a point sometime within the last year where I realized that all of this wandering and traveling was no longer something I enjoyed to do, but it was my lifeblood. It led me to every blissful high and painful low I have experienced in my 20's and it's easily the best decision I ever made.

The dictionary defines the word "Traveler" as: "a person or thing that travels."

That is true about my lifestyle, I DO travel. However, to me travel implies something that the average homebody settler does on their 1 week vacation to Disney World, or a posh sea cruise.

I am more so a vagabond, nomad, drifter, but most importantly, I AM ME. 

So, I tend to answer the 3 infamous follow up questions as follows..

1. IF I had to settle down? That would imply that I don't have a choice in my lifestyle. While it is true that the world is in a dark spell right now and funds are challenging to come by to keep traveling, I continue to look for cheaper and more freeing ways to live my life, whether I'm currently on the road or settling down in one location for a few months. This is a work in progress, but continues to improve over the last 5 years. I don't ever HAVE to settle down, and when you love doing something, why would you do the complete opposite?

2. If or when I fall in love with a girl? I've already had to face this reality on two separate occasions. The first time, I gave up my traveling for over a year(we did local trips in the midwest, not my favorite place though)and despite losing a best friend as the end result of the relationship, I was absolutely miserable staying put, so much so that when I returned to the road and the places I loved(along with new places I fell in love with!), it was magic all over again.  The second occasion I fell really hard, this time for a fellow traveler, only at the last minute she decided to become a settler. When she decided to settle, I was never asked to stay and quite frankly? I would've been miserable within weeks had I decided to settle that time too. So, what I learned is NEVER settle for less than you deserve or less than you want, especially in regards to family relationships and a life partner. A girl that vagabonds and loves the freedom of the lifestyle I've been called to, is an absolute MUST and I'd expect her to follow her path too, otherwise I'll end up back in the previous two situations where I was miserable or my partner was unwilling to go with flow of their own path.

3.Children. Another great question. To have or not to have? Truth is, I really have no intention of having children but I'm not entirely against the idea, I'd like to wait at least another decade or so IF I were to have them, but I figure I'll leave this one up to the Universe. However, having children wouldn't stop me from following my path, why should it? Children raised in a simple and loving environment often(if not almost always)have a better blessing than those raised in the suburban 9-5 grind lifestyle. What better gift to give your children than diversity of the worlds nature, culture and lifestyles? I would do whatever it took to keep the life I have, with OR without children. The one exception would be if my children asked me if we could stay in one place, which then again would still be temporary, nothing has to be permanent.  I'd want to give my children what they want, but also a taste of what opened my mind and heart, and while I have learned a lot of the negative realities by growing up in poverty in the system, I wouldn't intentionally expose my kids to that. How cool would it be to say to your children when they're young enough to live free but old enough to appreciate life "Hey kid(s), mom and dad have been just about everywhere, where do YOU want to go?? Pick a place, and we'll go/move there!!" I love it.

Our culture and society in America(and in many areas of the world)discourages freedom and unleashing your spirits presence within civilization. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with being a settler(though I used to loathe it), because I have learned from some of my friends and strangers alike that there is a place for them too, and that you can be truly happy living in one location, just like some people are happy always being on the move!

Our culture suggests that settling equals stability, but it's simply not true. Living your purpose equals stability within your soul! For some that means finding one place to call home and paying your dues of service within the hours of nine to five, or three to eleven, etc. For others that means taking to the road all over the globe and turning up rocks that others dare not to turn up, to be like a spider and weave a web from one location to another, connecting every little nook and cranny of the world together and sharing stories/healing all along the way.

I fear for many people that they will get lost along their path and fall into the systems conformist machine that produces little pink houses that all look the same, with children that are all identical not because they were born that way, but because they were made that way. It's becoming more and more clear to me that I was born to travel because it paints a contrast to the city life I had during my childhood and the suburban life I had during my teenage years. I can inspire and heal, not only others but myself as well through my travels and through living my music.

I am an artist, a vagabond, a lover, a son, a writer, a photographer, a singer, a performer, a free spirit, a lost mess of a soul finding my way.

I'm doing my best to answer the call.

But I'm not a traveler, this is my life and this is the life that was chosen for me by something larger than myself.

I'd rather live free through discovering my purpose and serving it than walk the path most commonly traveled.

I am liberating my soul each and every day, and I can't go back the way I came. This is my life, this is what I'm made for and this is who I am.

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference." - Robert Frost

-Zachary Hill 2012(C)

Once Was A Time

by: Zachary Hill


Once was a time I felt I didn't belong, like an alien I couldn't tell what was wrong.

Once was a time I walked as an outcast, in the shadows hiding the worlds contrast.

Once was a time when the sun never seemed to shine, I felt lost and alone like I was doing hard time.

Once was a time of great heartache and pain, always looking to the sky praying for a wash away of rain.

Once was a time I cried every night, reality was mean and I didn't know how to fight.

Once was a time I searched long and hard for a purpose, thinking I may never discover it and believing people are here to hurt us.

Long I stayed in the shadows of the night, looking for answers and praying for light.

Suddenly it hit me! Like a flash in the pan, the dawn came with it's revelation and I knew it was time to take a stand.

I sit back and reflect on a lifetime of pain, blinded by societies neurosis to the point of going insane.

To navigate the darkest night having nothing to fear but fear itself, I learned that fear isn't really all that scary and it's bad for your health.

Once was a time I stepped out of the shadows and into the light, it's warmth carressed my body like the strong arms of a loving woman holding me so tight.

Once was a time I was shown my own truth and power from my family and friends, Jesus and Buddha and the disappearing devil within.

Once was a time I looked at the world and realized that I was a resident of Earth, that it was everyone else that was crazy and accepting that led me to rebirth.

Once was a time where a lifetime of darkness became a memory, it was the moment I accepted God's Great Spirit and saw that I was my own worst enemy.

Once was a time I decided to let go of control and to ask for the things I knew in my heart were mine for the taking, I discovered my purpose and it's right here waiting.

Once was a time I truly experienced faith, it was the moment I realized what side served a better tasting cake.

When I finally had faith beyond any doubt, everything started to fall into place and my true insides were dying to get out.

Hope guided me in it's many countless and creative forms, Love cradled me through all of life's darkest storms.

But it was faith that set me free, it was the raw power of Source that finally allowed me to see.

I am not alone and I belong here, those who remain unconscious are acting in fear.

Once was a time I decided to love myself and accept the good and bad, unconditional love opened the door up and made my dreams my child and taught me to nurture them as a dad.

Once was a time when I let it all go, my eyes could finally see that it's all in perfect flow.

Once was a time I gave myself permission to look at the brightest light inside, I am sharing my story with you and this is my book.

...Once was a time I wrote and spoke these words, dancing in the sunlight so bright and smiling 'til it hurts..




If you have found your faith in love, never stop believing.
If you are still lost in the night, know that the sun will rise every day without fail.

The darkest night sets the stage for the beauty of the daylight to shine bright with all it's glory.
The day; exposing all of the things that existed during the night only now being consciously revealed for the first time.

Know that you are still there when the sun sets and things remain in place, it's just a change of contrast and a phase until the sun shines the next morning ushering in the day.

Darkness exists to teach us about all the beauty that starts at dawn, if you get lost in the night just know that the daylight will always come.



Once was a time, and now my time has come.


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I Was Shown

((Originally Hand Written: Marathon Truck Stop. Waterloo, Indiana. Wed April 4th 2012 12:52AM))




On a cool Wyoming morning heading through "Little America", I was shown.

Behind my tractor trailer steering wheel, I was shown.

John Denver serenading my eardrums and singing to my heart, I was shown.

As a child I grew up outside Chicago to parents that were unable to work out their differences, this made me want to be honest with others and always work things out, I was shown.

As an angsty and depressed teenager I watched my childhood abandonment that created rage and resentment run my emotions and eat up my spirit. I was put in the "suicide bin" and engulfed myself in darkness only to learn it's depth and despair, I was shown.

As a young man my feelings of loss continued to reign, along with new emotions of betrayal by my government and everything I was taught to aspire to be like and everything I was taught to believe, I was shown.

As part of "Generation Y" I was the end of the pre-computer generation and with that I learned to appreciate both the ways the Baby Boomers and later Generation Z have grown up. My interaction with technology of old and new has introduced me to everything I know. From books, pens and paper to keyboards, internet and word documents, I expressed myself and educated myself, I was shown.

At 14 and then again at 15 I dropped out of high school because it did not challenge me and I did not like being "put in a box", it seemed pointless. Unlike what the traditional school system offers, I took it upon myself to self educate and learn from an unbiased source, I was shown.

At 16 years of age I was told I would never make money or "go anywhere" because of leaving high school "pre-maturely". At 17 I earned my GED. At 19 I worked for the biggest chemical company in the world making more money than most college graduates twice my age. At 25 I found my life's purpose and I am actively pursuing it. I was shown.

The Great Spirit sent me to a computer so I could educate and benefit myself. The computer knowledge landed this high school drop out the chemical plant job. The chemical plant job and computer skills later placed me in a dispatching job with a trucking company which lead to an interest in travel and geography, I was shown.

In 2008 at age 21 I became a vagabond. I also started deep on my spiritual journey. Travel fueled by spirituality lead me to Reiki energy healing and to Sedona, Arizona. Sedona lead me to the "West Coast Journey 2008" which took me to all 11 western states plus the Great Plains, every National Park, mountaintops, valleys, deserts and everything in between. I was shown.

In 2009 my spiritual path lead me to becoming a karaoke DJ where I was able to express my emotions and experiences through music both as a listener and as a performer. I was shown.

My traveling that started in 2008 has continued and by the age of 24 I had been to all the major American cities, nature spots, all 48 continental states as well as Canada and Mexico. In 2011 I moved into a conversion van right out of my parent's house. The life of a van-dweller showed me how to live simply and free of rent/mortgage burdens that our system thrives and depends on. It allowed me to see every single person I love in my soul family all around the country in less than a year. I was shown.

My love life had seen a lot of action between 2009 and 2011. I had 3 relationships in that period which is unusual for me. I suppose the Universe wanted to give me what I was readily asking for and speed up the process of karmic affairs. Within these 3 relationships I experienced fear of intimacy, unrestrained intimacy, being loved, loving without reserve and both giving as well as receiving feelings of abandonment and betrayal. I endured the heartbreak and dealt it too. I danced the dance as both partners and again, I was shown.

I experienced acceptance, love, peace, intuition and spirit not only from God's creation of nature but from his greatest creation, my soul family. The ones that challenged me and walked beside me in my darkest hour. My intuitive gifts came to life like never before with help from loving mentors put on my path by Source. I was shown.

The city and country have contrasted one another as much as the west and the east and everything in between. I received my "4 year degree" in life on the road and by taking the road less traveled both on the highways and within my soul. Spiritual travel in the physical, mental and emotional realm has in one way or another, brought and taught me EVERYTHING I needed for a complete life. I was shown.

At age 25 in 2012 I became a professional truck driver. Outside of loving to travel there was no logic for this decision. Intuitively I knew I needed to do it. With a "2 year plan" tops, I obviously needed the computer knowledge, shipping/receiving and dispatcher experience and now the truck driver experience to come full circle on my employment adventures for others. I was shown.

What lies ahead? I'm a traveling artist. I write, photograph and perform musical stories. Both God and the devil have given me so much contrast on the choices that await. I had to experience the first 25 years I just shared to ready myself for the next 25. I was shown.

What did I learn in that moment while John Denver seemed to be singing to me? That morning God spoke to me in Little America, Wyoming?

I learned that I was given the gift of scripture, photographic and musical expression. I learned I had to go through all the up's and down's to treasure the gift of life. I learned that these gifts were given to me at the right moments so I could inspire my former self that I see so often within others. I learned that I came here not to drive a truck, work in an office or walk the path that was set for me by society, but to blaze my own trail where no path existed before and help others in the ways I'm called to do so through my gifts. I was shown.

Love, Hope and Faith in yourself, nature, loved ones, the unexpected kindness of strangers and most of all God's Universal Great Spirit is all you need. Embrace the darkness within until the light shines, accept your lessons, discover your purposeful gifts and pay it forward! It's all about what energy you feed.

My story is my gift to you. I hope you find a sliver or a sea of knowledge, hope and inspiration within it.

It wasn't until I asked for truth that I was shown.

-Zachary Hill 2012(C)