Deliverance in Denver

I arrived in Denver safely last night after driving for about 12 hours and being up for over 30 hours. It was nice to get some sleep needless to say.

Anytime Ken and I get in the same space we seem to create a catalyst for change with one another. After all it was meeting Ken a little over 3 years in the Badlands of South Dakota on my first day ever traveling West that lead to me adding a ton of other stops and National Parks to what was supposed to be a fairly short ride to my destination in Sedona. I was also one of the last people in America Ken saw before he went to South Korea for a year and I was the first person to see him when he arrived at LAX Airport in Los Angeles in early March this year. Now I sit on the couch in his apartment that he shares with Mike(whom I also met in South Dakota with Ken in 2008)after engaging in another wonderful discussion with Ken about life on both spiritual and worldly levels. We have shared much with one another over the past 3 years and always seem to end up having epiphanies when around one another and even though we don't usually stay around one another very long the epiphanies are huge and the fun of discovering them is always pivotal, for both of us!

So here I sit, the nature loving van traveler who doesn't drink or get lit in the middle of one of America's major cities in a neighborhood that resembles the place I hated living for the past 8 years in it's appearance but not in it's energy after a long night of hanging out while watching my friends indulge in the vices that I choose not to partake in on a normal basis and find myself feeling okay with all that is around me. I've spent the better part of this year wandering around lost and it's nice to finally settle into a place where I can enjoy an amaretto and milk with some friends, who knows maybe I'll hit the green monster before I leave? Stranger things have happened!

I asked the Universe to send me into chill mode for a while. All of this spiritual intensity since last September has been..well..intense! It has had GREAT intensity both in incredibly enjoyful ways and also in some of the most painful..I need to chiiiiiilllll for a bit! The great thing about Ken and Mike is that they are both also travelers and we are all from different parts of the country. Both Ken and Mike are college graduates and current college students as well, it's nice to see college students going to school to meet the means to an end, that's a rare breed of college folk for me to encounter and from knowing Ken and how passionate he is about his philanthropy and humanity he will make an excellent teacher(even though he already IS a teacher, even if not by American school system standards).

My thoughts of Sara were to a minimal today which is showing really good progess in my recovery, which is also something I asked for along with LOTS OF MONEY and some spiritual relaxation! Amongst all of the turmoil in my life the past few years I forgot one of the greatest parts of being a traveler and free spirit...to enjoy getting fucked up with my friends and reminisce old memories and also share new ones. I asked God to let me be 24 for a while again, to turn off much of the philosophical shit so I can take a breather and regroup.

Here's the cycle I basically find myself in and Ken and I were discussing this tonight...

1. I'm a passionate, deep, caring, kind and loving soul that feels energies intensely both for better and for worse.

2. I see and FEEL the potential of every single one of us on this earth as I encounter more and more people.

3. I watch some people who give up, some people who are oblivious and I see the evil in the world.

4. I get incredibly hurt by people wasting their potential and all of the crazy things they do.

5. I become afraid that people will never break away.

6. I slip into rage or deep sadness and take it all in.

7. I essentially become the people that I feel helpless to.


This is the cycle, this is what happens and this is what needs to be unlearned and reprogrammed cause no one can ever be sick enough to make someone healthy nor can anyone be poor enough to enrich another. It is good that I notice this cycle however, which is the blessing in it's disguise and will later be fuel for the fire.

Ken has been a real inspiration to me over the years. He has accomplished a lot more than me from 2009 til now because of one key difference, positivity.

I have watched Ken get negative and stress about things before but he finds a way to move on from those feelings instead of living in them like I had chose to do for the past few years, he is one of the most optimistic people I have met and has a huge heart, he is one of the most selfless people I know and has lived/worked/spent time in places with incredible poverty such as Africa, Mexico, China and probably about 20 other countries that struggle and within them all he finds that doing good work is rewarding...something that I only know from experience on occasion and mostly never get to because I'm too busy being hurt by the chaos that nothing ever gets done.

So what have I learned this year, in part?

Roz has helped me *see* with my intuitive eyes to know what I'm experiencing and has encouraged through teaching ways to achieve balance and keeping it on both sides of the logical and intuitive, the spiritual and worldly. She has also helped me sharpen and embrace my psychic and intuitive abilities and gifts allowing me to be comfortable with embracing my true nature and who I really am....a "fortune teller" haha =:P

Sara has helped show me that I could love somebody without allowing my dark side to get out of control with that person and take it out on them no matter how tempting the darkness was to give over to during difficult times with that person or in reaction to some of the things they had done to me. Being involved with her and the results of her decision has also shown me that no matter what happens, falling into a near complete state of collapse will never be an option again, ever. I also learned just how capable I was of allowing my own intimacy to shine through, to allow myself to learn to love without restraint.

Angela has shown me how to love from a distance, to drop the right words or actions right when it's needed but being able to keep the boundaries and let the person work their own stuff out, *especially* in the darkest hour. To really only interfere if the person asks for intervention(which I rarely do, I'm a stubborn ass I admit! lol). She has also allowed me the opportunity to feel worthiness in ways that I feel like I'm doing something valuable for another person instead of being pigeon holed to doing something that feels meaningless. I was also challenged to keep the darkness stitched up when around her children or in her environment as much as possible in attempt to minimalize the toxicity of exposing those energies.

Trish has reminded me time and time again of what it's like to have a shoulder to lean on for a decade now and has kept the truth alive in knowing that even though in the 10 years we've known each other we've yet to meet in person(it's coming!)it shows the strength and love of a connection between two people that basically grew up together on the phone and online as young teenagers in this digital age. She's been there for the break ups and every other thing, this year was no different. It can be very healing when you're in a dark place to be able to tell a female friend of yours you'd like to drive out to Pennsylvania just to get a blowjob and have your way with them and laugh about it knowing the comfort of the connection. ;)

Scott has shown me what a true friend does for another true friend. He sold me a cheap car that he could have profited on so I could drive out West(save a ton of gas money with the 4 cylinder)and begin to live this dream. Refusing to take any commission or extra money. He reminded me of what one person does to help another in a less fortunate circumstance, even when their own finances or time may be maxed out.

My step-father Ed has spent countless hours on the phone with me during my break up and all of the bumps along this ride that I have decided to take(at least partially)and even the parts that I didn't decide to take but had to anyways. Listening to every bit of rage, hurt, hope and loss I had to express.

My mother has loved me and been in my corner since day one, nothing has changed about that this year. The best thing she did for me this year was dedicate Rod Stewarts "Forever Young" to me when I left Illinois. The song has always meant so much but means so much more. Her encouragement for me to never grow old is a motivation and in many ways she has shown me to what level I will allow my selfishness to go. She is always the first person that comes to mind this year when the suicidal thoughts have bled in. After all she's given me, how dare I take away a huge love from her.

The road and my van have both shown me some form of purity and in many ways has given me the experience I wanted, only under different circumstances than I wanted.

Ken and I haven't conversed much this year on the phone and only met up twice but I can already feel a form of deliverance in Denver by being here and it has to do with him being a catalyst for me. Being a supportive and upbeat friend and tolerant of my own growth.

I have been shown generosity and kindness from other people this year which include Andy, Suzan, Kris, Janis, Mike and others whom I don't even know. It has been sobering.

A quick story I shared with Ken tonight. In March when I was in Phoenix visiting Sara we were riding in her car back from a birthday party I was sharing with her how the energy of the city and Phoenix was starting to get to me and how I found God and Spirit in the mountains, rivers and trees. She responded in agreement but also said something I found rather profound "I also find God in every single person I meet". That statement shook me to the core but I had always felt that amongst a few of my close loved ones everyone else was the source of this pain I felt, everyone's stupidity enraged, saddened and angered me. What her comment triggered in retrospect is that very sentence shows that if I look deep enough, I can find the potential within the other and then it's my job to find a way to bring it forward, if I am unsuccessful due to their resistance that is not what's important. What is important is that I did my job as a human being, I made the effort and attempt. As a perfectionist I have always been hard on myself. This year I am learning to own something that I have always known deep in my soul and would say it out loud "I'm a good person". But it wasn't until early 2011 that I was even able to feel like that was true about myself but I have to say, the times they are 'a changin!

I came blazing out to California earlier this year full of passion, fire and a confidence that I hadn't yet experienced but still very bullheaded. I shared that passion, fire and confidence with Sara and when I left the Valley of the Sun, I also left my sunshine there and that passion, fire and confidence stayed with her, which looking back isn't the worst thing, if it helped her then great but the lesson learned is I cannot cut my own throat again in the process.

I feel like I was delivered unto Denver and that whatever happens from this step will be a huge one. It's taken me a lifetime to realize and this has been the year to get comfortable with all of the realizations and actualize.

I feel like sometime near the end of this year and the beginning of the next I will be ready to go deep into dark places. Only I will no longer be a resident, I will be the guy who used to live there that wants to show his old neighbors that when it comes to singing the song that was meant for you, the grass will always be greener on the other side.

It's like standing up to the schoolyard bully and owning your power, once you do it you refuse to be bullied again.

When I channel into later this year and early next year and see myself lighting up the darkness it won't be much different than what I've been doing and working on little by little this year. After all, I have been shining the light on all of the dark corners within, even if the hand holding the flashlight trembles in fear.

The only difference I see in my intuitive mind is that my hand holding the flashlight is no longer shaking because I am no longer afraid of the dark and when that happens the only fear I have is going to be for the darkness itself because there will be no place for it to hide when I shine the light of truth upon it. The Light that knows no fear, that knows it is protected, the kind of light that pours in after the dark night of the soul has passed..the right of passage has been passed. The Light that delivers the soul into a new paradigm of living the true integrity and that paradigm is called freedom and faith.

Only then will I TRULY be a Free Spirit. =:)

-Zachary Hill 2011(C)

Written: Denver, Colorado 2011

Introspection in Sarazona ARIZONA!

Almost heaven, Arizona. Red rock mountains, Colorado river *sings*...hope you guys don't mind me changing a John Denver classic ;)

What a year this has been! Some of the greatest moments of my life and some of the worst. Wow!

Tonight I took some time to reflect step by step all of the traveling I had done this year and I will say taking a week to hole up in a hotel room in Flagstaff, Arizona has proven useful! I haven't had a chance to really reflect and sit still by myself since I left Illinois in mid-January. I have had more trips both short and long this year than I can recall and this has been by far the longest I've been away from "home"(if I could have ever called Illinois that to begin with!)and it has been quite a ride. Let's recap shall we?

January 2011 - I left Illinois on the "Big Bear Journey 2011" heading toward Roz' house in Big Bear, CA which took me through Iowa to South Dakota for my drivers license and then through Nebraska and Kansas to New Mexico where I showed Taos a little love and visited Santa Fe(and sadly Albuquerque to replace my laptop cord, can I ever go through NM without having to go through that dump?! wink wink hint hint to the man upstairs!). From New Mexico I rolled into Arizona/Utah to answer my deep urge to go to Monument Valley. I took the instructions that James Earl Jones gave me(I didn't know James Earl Jones did the voice of God too!)and headed to Flagstaff/Sedona to rendezvous and fall in love with Sara-zona. Went from Sedona to Quartzsite where I met up with Roz and slept under a full moon in the back of her SUV. Went from Quartzsite to the Salton Sea/Slab City and Salvation Mountain then arriving in BIG BEAR LAKE!

February 2011 - While staying with Roz in Big Bear Lake I rolled down to Joshua Tree National Park in Cali to meet up with Sara for a wonderful two night camping trip. I went to San Bernardino with Roz and then Los Angeles to purchase my current home that I have been living in for a little over four months(can't count the past few weeks though!)and sold my car. I then headed down to Indio to go gambling with Sara and then I returned to the Salton Sea/Slab City and Salvation Mountain with her as well for some van style camping and then back up to Big Bear!

March 2011 - What a crazy month, this is where the tide turned from some of the greatest times in my life to some of the worst, however I did get to travel a lot! Early March saw me driving BACK down to Los Angeles to pick up my friend Ken at LAX to which we took a ride down the southern California coast through Huntington Beach, Newport Beach, Oceanside, Carlsbad, Encinitas, Del Mar, Coronado, La Jolla, Dana Point and a few others eventually arriving at his cousins house for a few days in San Diego! I rolled through Escondido and Temecula on the way back up to Big Bear Lake where I stayed until the 2nd week of March then it was off to Phoenix! Another stroll through Joshua Tree National Park and then spending my first night alone officially living in my van full time in Quartzsite!(RV/Van Snowbird capital of the West!)I rolled into Phoenix the following morning to see Sara. During my time in the Valley of the Smog...err..Sun I spent time/nights in Glendale, Mesa, Tempe, Scottsdale and went van-camping with Sara in Apache Junction. In late March right before being asked to leave Phoenix I took another stroll up to Sedona for some introspection and thats exactly what I got. I did not expect to leave Phoenix on such a note so the plans/what was in the works had shifted a bit and so I rolled on back into California and all the way up to Castaic north of LA, what a drive! I then drove up to Grants Pass, Oregon and spent the night, then Portland, Oregon for a few days AND THEEEEN a quick drive into Washington through Seattle up to San Juan Islands FRIDAY HARBOR!

April 2011 - The entire month of April is a lost blur in my life. I spent the whole time on SJI/Friday Harbor.

May 2011 - I remained in Friday Harbor but took a trip on my moped(which I purchased on the island)to Orcas Island/Eastsound, Washington.

June 2011 - First week of June I needed some further introspection so I decided to take the ferry back into Washington's mainland and drove up to Vancouver, British Columbia to spend the night. Next day was off to Vancouver Island to the city of Victoria and Nanaimo and eventually to Tofino for the night. Back to SJI and then in mid June to Lopez Island.

July 2011 - Left SJI to head toward southern Washington to the Rainbow Gathering. A trip down the Oregon 101 highway to spend the 4th of July in Coos Bay, Oregon watching fireworks from the casino. Then it was down through the Redwood Forest of California to Redding, CA for the night. I drove to San Francisco and then spent the night in the hole known as Buttonwillow, CA(outside Bakersfield a.k.a hell)which then lead me BACK to Big Bear Lake to visit Roz for a week and a half or so which included a day trip down to San Diego and another one down to Apple Valley! I departed Big Bear for Arizona about a week ago heading into Phoenix for the first night and then up to Flagstaff/Sedona. A trip to Jerome and Prescott has also taken place and the month isn't over yet!


Back to "the mission"...with it being a rough year I have been all over and spent all kinds of money I don't have. When I saw things going one way and a decision out of my hands lead it down another direction I didn't know quite what to do with that, considering the massiveness of the situation.

For those of you that talk to me or have followed my adventures this year you'll know that I have had difficulty with a situation that went sour here in Arizona earlier this winter. Now Arizona has always had a lot of magic for me...in 2008 it was the destination of my first adventure the "West Coast Journey 2008" and I fell in love with all of it's landscape and much of the energy, I also made a lifelong friend in Roz whom was my land lady in Sedona at the time. Arizona is also home to 3 of my top 5 places I've ever been being Sedona, the Grand Canyon and Monument Valley(which is shared with Utah). In 2011 Monument Valley was added to that list seeing as to how I had found a way to drive past it in 2008(wtf!), also in 2011 I was guided to meet up with someone I had kept in touch with on and off for a year and a half or so and the result? I fell madly in love and where else other than in Sedona under the first full moon of the new year! It isn't that often in a person's lifetime they get to drive with the headlights off under the moonlight of SEDONA after sharing an indian drumming ceremony with a new lover! I would say I'm incredibly blessed and grateful for that experience, among many others. Also in 2011 I had the misfortune of departing my favorite state under a heartbreaking and devastating situation and to top it off I left Arizona from it's biggest hole, Phoenix. AND agaaaaain in 2011 I have been called back to..guess where?...ARIZONA!

My summer visit to Arizona has proven to work it's magic again. I know why I had to come back here, I had to reclaim my power from how I left here last time and I also had to remember why Arizona meant so much to me for the past 3 years and that there was more to it for me than just my time with Sara(though that will always remain a big part, it wasn't everything).

My first night back in Arizona I quickly realized after crossing the border that I needed to return to Phoenix. I rolled into Phoenix a little after midnight and made a few stops to help clear and release some emotions(during one of the stops I asked my angels for protection and to help me keep my integrity in check and they showed up in numbers and feeling). Before checking into my hotel room for the night I decided to roll by the house Sara is staying at and I'll tell you it's the strangest feeling looking at the car of someone I love and knowing that they are about 15 feet away inside the house knowing that the situation is completely different from the last time I was there by that house and looking at that car. Not the most pleasant of moments but one that felt like it needed to be done. I didn't knock on the door, I didn't call and I didn't leave a note. No trace that I had stopped by and I figured if she was outside or had encountered me during my release then so be it, it would have been meant to be and in many ways I believe on that night it was best that it wasn't meant to be. I slept like shit at the hotel that night, not due to the weather but partially due to the nights events but more so to do with the fact that Phoenix' energy is really bad for me.

Next morning I woke up and headed to South Mountain in Phoenix. South Mountain was the place where I spent a few wonderful nights with Sara and also where I confessed what I was shown by the Universe over the time we had been together and what I saw in Sedona a day or so beforehand and what I was feeling about us and our relationship while under March's full "supermoon" where the coyotes came out in a pack to howl right in front of us and sadly South Mountain was also the place where she decided to sever ties and was the last place I spoke with her sooooooo naturally being in town I felt the need to go to the top of the mountain and release some more. When I felt intuitively pulled to return to PHX I always saw myself on top of South Mountain so I knew this was a pivotal place. I spent some time up there in the hot ass weather having the mountain top by myself. I did what I had to do(and the only thing I could do at this point)before rolling back down the mountain and heading out of Phoenix towards Flagstaff.

I arrived in Flagstaff last Wednesday and felt the desire to hang around the area for a while so I checked into a flea bag motel on Route 66 for a week(one day left before I have to check out). Since I have been in northern Arizona this summer I have taken a few trips to Sedona where I have gone up on top of my favorite spot, Airport Mesa and worked on manifestation. I also took a ride to Jerome and Prescott the other day which are both places I've wanted to visit and hadn't done so until now.

I was being pulled toward Taos, New Mexico but after that area caught fire the Universe stopped sending me signs to go there and shifted me towards Sedona, which I think worked out for the better anyways because I needed to come back to Flagstaff and Sedona to further clear the Sara energy off of me.

Since I have been in Flagstaff(and Sedona) I have felt more suicidal than I can recall in a long time, even more so than some of the time I was on SJI(on SJI I didn't think about it everyday nor did I feel like I may actually do it to the point of feeling like my hands were not in my control anymore). Today was the worst part of it, I rolled into Sedona feeling fairly decent and on the way out found it hard to keep myself from plowing the van through the guard rail on Oak Creek Canyon, I figure Sedona would be the ideal place to go. I believe that a person has to hit rock bottom before they can really see clearly, a sobering experience I guess.

Everytime in my life I have hit rock bottom the Universe has sent me something or guided me. When I was 14 I made a deal with God, I said "if you don't have something for me soon, I'm gone" and about a week later my step-dad came into the picture providing some sort of family life experience that I had always wanted. I hadn't thought of killing myself since then, until this year and that isn't to say that I haven't had a lot of really horrible and rough shit in the past 10 years, I have. I spent more time the past 10 years thinking about killing all of the people that pissed me off but never myself, I felt too good to do that. I hit the wall at the end of 2010 but still hadn't considered suicide, just considered a much needed life change, so I took the leap of faith and asked to be sent what I needed and to be cradled and surely enough, I was. Roz gave me a place to stay for nearly 2 months, I had the funds to purchase my at the time "dream home" being the van and unexpectedly I was sent Sara. I was not looking for a relationship, in fact it was the last thing I wanted but from all of the guidance I had started to follow it was what I was supposed to be involving myself with. After all of the signs we had both received and all of the commonalities, the messages, the synergy and synchronicities she allowed her fear to over power her and pulled the cord on the connection, completely. Wouldn't even speak to me. Sooooooo to make the long story short I slipped into another crisis(fun fun fun!), it brought up all kinds of shit that I had already started to address only it brought it to my plate quicker and made it more confusing, the whole van experience has been ruined because of this situation, my debt is again through the roof, I have let my health go completely again annnnnnnnd the worst part is I lost my faith, passion and my love for travel. None of that has been completely regained and I believe firmly that it will take a while for the wounds to heal and the scars never go away but I will say that I am slowly but surely rediscovering myself and the things I love. I find myself grateful for the loved ones in my life, those whom have taken me in and sheltered me during this storm, those that have spent time on the phone with me or taken the time to check up on my blog entries and see how I'm doing and most of all those who have made me laugh during this dark night of the soul, it has been the best thing during this hellish period these past few months. I certainly am blessed to have so many wonderful soul family members I wonder if it could get any better in that department!!

I may stay in Arizona a bit longer but I am really feeling that my time is done here(for now, of course..I'm not likely to ever be done with any of the southwestern states!). If I find something clicking for me in Sedona in the next few days, I may stay..otherwise I'm feeling I may be off to Colorado for a while, which when I feel it out and think about it...feels good to me!

It's 7:30AM and I'm still not asleep....ZzZzZzzzzZzzz....

The introspection in Arizona has again proven beneficial. On to better days! Thank You everyone for your love, support and help. I'm fairly certain that without your love this year I would have already copied Thelma and Louise by driving into the Grand Canyon.

Right now what I need is some fun, faith and to see a friendly face even if it means going to Denver!

And lets not forget MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =:D

Until next time...

-Zachary =:)


Written: Flagstaff, Arizona 2011

REALITY & TRUTH: Twin Flames Kept Apart

"Don't be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." - Romans 12:21



What do you do when you watch your dreams collapse in front of you?

When the sunset no longer satisfies, the most beautiful places in the world no longer hold their beauty, the fire that drove your passions has been put out and you wake up every morning hoping that this slow and painful descent into hell is just a bad nightmare.

This is the truth of how I have been feeling. My life no longer makes any sense to me. The light energy that drove me both powered by incredible passion to love and heal still seem so far out of reach and the dark energies that always would attach to the light passions have become exhausting, what is a persons option?

There was one other time I felt fed up with life, I felt like exiting this existence and that time was about ten years ago when I was a young teenager. Though the past decade hasn't been the most pleasant for me it has had it's shining moments and I have always been a fighter and dreamer. So what did I do for the past ten years? I raged. I drove my passions of life and a better world for all in the only way that I knew how and for 10 long years being pissed off and channeling into all of the betrayal, abandonment, abuse, resentment and heartache seemed to keep the flame lit. In fact in many ways I believe it may have saved my life.

If it wasn't for the extreme rage I felt and decided to use I often feel like I would have ended my life early. At 14 I used to say "Everyone has a masterpiece to paint before they die, I have already painted mine." which looking back 10 years later I realize was TOTALLY inaccurate. I have things to do here before I go, big things full of light..but what do you do when it feels like the whole world is working against you?

The difference now from when I was a young teenager is that I no longer have the desire to rage, it's exhausting. That coupled with the fact that the idealist/dreamer or as I've been called "the John Lennon's "Imagine" phase" has worn off. As the worlds darkness persists and it's people continue to refuse to deal with the ROOT of the problem at it's CORE there seems to be no sense in *trying* to help anything. When I was 14 sure I was angsty but I was also driven. Driven to get it right, to pull back the mask of truth, even at a young age TRUTH is always what mattered to me most and the truth I have discovered over the past ten years has both a light and dark side to the coin and sadly...the dark side is winning.

The light side of the TRUTH coin has shown itself to me in that everybody is driven to love. Love seems to be the beginning, middle and end for us in this existence. No power has proven to be quite as powerful in all of the right ways..except it's one rival, hate.

The dark side of the TRUTH coin has shown itself to me in that *most people* are "inside the box" in spirit(which they refuse to acknowledge is real), emotionally controlled, mentally programmed and physically/materially deceived. The deception and seduction of the darkness is only so powerful because those people have never had a real good dose of light. Once the light shines in, even in the slightest of ways it becomes addicting and impossible to not want to embrace. Herein lies the problem though, the light can only survive against the dark if it is allowed to be and in order for that to truly happen to make a world of difference it would require a complete deconstruction of the human race, civilization and society as we know it. I have seen and felt the potential of our species and it's ability to fathom how vast the Universe is in all four major realms of spiritual, mental, emotional and physical.

A chain is only as strong as it's weakest link and our species is full of weak links and it's getting to the point that not even the strongest links can set a good enough example because the other chains in the neighborhood are made of gold and this one is only made of steel.

My frustrations and depressions go so far into the human psyche and overload with my simple statement I have been saying since I was 14 of "Question Everything!" and sometimes living amongst many many many many people who don't makes it aggravating and downright pointless. I cannot help that I see the world in a more idealistic manner than many and I also cannot help the fact that I think analyzing, feeling and attempting to apply the analyzed feelings is a wonderful thing but within a restrictive cage such as this current society? We will NEVER get things done.

There is a lot of work to be done and sadly I am not convinced that "holding the vision" will always work, time has shown and proven itself in showing that only two things lead to change.

1. A new idea that gets deep within the people and gets them to join your cause

2. Violent revolution

Sadly, also in our society the 2nd usually makes a bigger difference but only ends up creating more destruction, resentment, darkness and doesn't really change the spirit, hearts or minds of the people as much as it just gives them a new box to go in but every once in a while someone is effective with the first example...well..actually not exactly but there are those who try and I respect them, even when they end up eating lead for standing up for themselves and they generally share that same fate.

Every person that has told me I was crazy or that the idealistic dreamers vision of utopia couldn't even begin to come close to reality because of some bullshit excuse like "it's in our nature" or "it's too big to be done" has automatically decided to "sit on the couch" and become a spectator of life and loses damn near all(if not all)of their credibility with me. The fight is never done and the work will always need to be done and I wonder often if the majority of our species has ever heard the following quote...

"In order for ‘evil’ to prevail, all that need happen is for ‘good’ people to do nothing."

Sometimes folks in order to uproot the problem you have to be willing to face it! This is quite the paradox in my personal life as well, these problems I have been working up the courage to face in my own life have created an exhaustion beyond belief that I haven't even bothered really touching on "the human issue" this year. I spent the last few years raging over how neurotic and insipid our species is and have lost my energy for it however I knew I was onto something because I realize that it DOES in fact effect my life directly and those that would suggest otherwise I challenge them to mull on the following.

In 2008 when I started to travel at 21 years old I took what I like to call the "new age" vision or "holding the vision" attitude, in other words only one part of the reality and generally one that isn't embraced in our world. I walked onto a spiritual path and was called and started following this calling(even though I wasn't fully aware of it at the time). I figured that no evil could fall upon me or that nothing dark could touch me.

In 2009 and 2010 at the age of 22 and 23 I decided to look further into issues that are just as important, valid and a part of reality only I learned that many of these "new age" spiritual people didn't want to deal with this part of the reality because the massive amount of pain and shock that comes with admitting this is too much. I stepped off of the spiritual path for most of the past two years and dove into world events, politics, culture and how futile and stupid it all is but also realizing it's power and imprint on every bit of our lives from the moment we come out of our biological mothers body to the day we die, cradle to the grave!

I have come to learn that balance, ACCEPTANCE and ACKNOWLEDGEMENT of both the light and dark energies and the reality of the science of spirit and what we have allowed to be created on this planet is all relevant. You cannot have change or peace without turmoil and war, it's that simple. Weather it's a change or calming within there will always be a shift into the unknown, the unknown creates fear and what are we afraid of? Hurt. Our passionate heart and soul that has the power of spirit breathed into it is what drives us to live "The Golden Rule" and it doesn't matter where you're from, what religious/political background you may have, when you tap into the power of spirit and let the light shine in however it works for you then you have made that positive connection. On the other side our civilization and world tells us what to do, who we perceive ourselves to be and worst of all what we are allowed to express. Even though they can't control our thoughts they certainly can help manage them to their benefit. They can manage our minds with their poison, dig their hooks in deep to play our emotions for us, restrain or incarcerate our physical bodies and completely destroy our spirit by raising us in denial that our 6th sense and that the spiritual "dimension" is even authentic or real.

I have had compassion for people because I understand it is a lot to take in and when the Corporate Government, "rulers of the world" and other evil entities blindfold you, put headphones on your ears for you to listen to their rhetoric and tell you what to believe, put their hand over your mouth to silence you and tie your hands behind your back only to "raise" and "nurture" you synthetically like a plant grown with chemicals instead of water and sunlight to believe that you are free to use all of your senses when in reality you ARE their Manchurian Candidate it can take a lot to see the TRUTH and LIGHT of the situation. Most will not ask the truth and half of those few that do will not want to hear it once they start to hear it, I know firsthand..I was one of them.

I also have had no compassion and lack of patience for people when I was in my darkest place. I felt that those who did not stand up for their BIRTH RIGHT to be the best possible creation of human spirit they could be and BE ALL THAT THEY COULD BE(and no I'm not suggesting they join the Army)which is at a height that many will never reach because THEY CHOOSE not to but only within the restrictions of the majority rules. Having no compassion for people is a horrible feeling.

Finding balance in an unbalanced world that has a population of intelligent, creative and incredible animals(or the human species if we are speaking in "civilized terms") where that animal chooses to be far far far less than it's capable of is difficult for souls like me. There's a million and one things to factor in to the whole experience of life and the fact that what I say has very little value of any to the majority compared to if I were attempting to sell you some line of bullshit on the latest human rhetoric is sad.

In reality it's great to walk a spiritual path of integrity, to do your best to live the Golden Rule(after discovering what that means)and to keep yourself in the light as often as possible. Also in reality we have to accept that there is dark energies and they will only continue to grow if we don't get to the root of this cancer that has plagued our planet and until we are willing to stand up, acknowledge and take responsibility for the changes we want to see and accept truth, something we have never truly experienced in the world that has been carved up, managed and created by people possessed by darkness we will continue to watch our world collapse as well as our chance for personal evolution and healing for each and everyone of us.

This is a "new age" and within that we need new ideas based on energies, truths and creative capabilities that have been there all along. It's NOT "new age" to embrace a better world driven by Spirit, peace, love and light. That is the old age but since we are just awakening to this reality in small slivers it is a new concept and idea to embrace what has already existed. There is no way possible that we could have just found this because it was never lost it has only been hidden because darkness has gotten the upper hand and has been using so many people for it's vehicle.

If we truly want to walk in the light and "be all that we can be" then we need to do away with old ideas. It's not about what we think, it's about what truly is. All of this ego driven dark madness that exists in all of us can be purged and we ALL serve the darkness each and every day that we wake up and don't make a difference. Trying and succeeding are two different things, while trying is respectable and admirable it still doesn't accomplish anything. The only thing that can bring change is change and that is because change is effective weather we want it to be or not, weather it's change for the better or worse, for light or for dark.

Being a sensitive soul who is sensitive to the land, it's people, the creations all around and the rampaging dark energy that runs in every little corner of our creation we call "society" or "civilization" has been difficult for me. I have struggled with my personal demons and attempted to purge them however, since we are all connected by this code of energy I am only as light-filled or darkness-free as my weakest point which is shared by us all. Darkness is a part of life and I believe that "new age" people need to accept that reality. I also believe that the Light is the strongest energy and has one distinct advantage over the dark and that is when light comes in there is no place for the dark to hide, when the light shines the darkness scatters and instantly becomes light. Everyday is a constant battle between good and evil, light and dark, positive and negative, high and low vibration and it's silly to think that these things could both be completely eliminated because they are unified, two sides of the same coin. The staggering difference is the power which they hold.

Darkness doesn't have the power to destroy the light but can destroy the "carriers"(Carrier: human beings)and the world of the carriers therefore leaving darkness and light to continue it's battle only without us.

The Light doesn't have the power to destroy the darkness all by itself otherwise it would have done so therefore it recruits us. Both sides do, in fact.

The Light promises us a better tomorrow for ourselves and therefore a better tomorrow for everyone and gives us a true connection with what is in our DNA, gives us the unrestrained intimacy we always seek within ourselves and with others. The appreciation for nature and all of it's power and beauty. The true core of the human spirit.

The Darkness tempts us with our true passions and desires only it never delivers the promise that the light delivers. It's usually incredibly seductive and will attempt to disguise itself as the light for it's own benefit, it's goal is to use you as it see's fit. To erode your true nature to serve it's deceptive and destructive desires. It finds your weaknesses and exploits them in any way it's capable of.

The Light and Darkness are both aware of their own existence and the spiritual realm that our human species hasn't fully grasped yet. The Light attempts to embrace and interfere on our behalf and guide us as often as possible while the Darkness does not want us to know about the spiritual realm because if we did we would defeat it and therefore it would lose it's own power. Therefore the darkness gives us a sense of self that has driven us to this level of madness that we have created, our modern society with all of it's material excess, mistrust, possession, coveting and soul stripping doings. We cannot fight the darkness with more darkness, only the light can battle off the dark but we have to embrace it and all of the truths of it first.

I had to take a walk in the sea of darkness even without my own choosing because that's the world we have allowed our children to be birthed into and had to serve that darkness for a long time just to discover that I was being lied to and lead astray. The journey home to the light has been the most challenging and is becoming more challenging as time goes on and it's only for the one simple reason that we need to WAKE THE FUCK UP!

I have watched myself make dark decisions and others whom I love make dark decisions and within all this darkness lies more darkness, a never ending hole of pain, misery and hurt that oftentimes seems inescapable. When you express that you are not the only one sometimes people slide back into darkness while attempting to come out and feed it again, how long are we going to wait until the light has lost all of it's power?

I still have so much more to learn about the ways of the light and dark and the more I know the better equipped I will be in my decisions and choices I make in this lifetime. I want to know my enemy that stole me from my true self, raped me and told me this is who I am and all that I am worth, I want to study that darkness so I can assist in defeating it. I want to know who I really am, what I am truly capable of doing and how far the limits can be pushed! I want to return home and know it for the first time.

For those of you who know me you know that I have been going through a rough decade. September 2010 til now has in many ways been the most challenging part. It has been filled with the most hope, confidence, promise and light and at the same time has presented the biggest loss of faith I have ever encountered, no light at the end of the tunnel, suicidal feelings and thoughts have resurfaced for the first time in 10 years and the belief that darkness is the only place to which I can descend.

I am tired of watching us hand our power over the darkness, myself included. The only problem is I can't do it alone, you can't do it alone, WE CAN'T DO IT ALONE! It takes all of us and maybe at the least most of us to make this shift. Until we get back in touch with our true selves and ask for the truth and be willing and open to receive it our experience and reality that we will create will be more of the same. Some of us are obvious lightworkers and others of us will be called to wear the "cloak of darkness" in order to extract other dark energies and commodities and bring them to the light as if we were undercover agents. I happen to feel that I am being called to play both roles and in that I have not found the balance I yet need. I am not comfortable with being a lightworker in an age that isn't ready for the reality of lightworkers where our whole kind could be threatened as if we were witches to be burned at the stake. I am also not comfortable with wearing the "cloak of darkness" and becoming a splinter cell within the ranks of darkness, I think the time is coming where we need to be obvious, where we need to show our light and let it shine..no more of these undercover games. Can't you see it does nothing for the evolution into the light or for our spiritual ascension to stay "in the box" and play the game? Billions strong standing in the light gathered by people all over the world from all walks of life to face the darkness in it's final hour.

This IS all possible people, if only we believe AND act on truth! Faith takes action too! As a young twenty-something year old I once believed but I am losing faith in this possibility and it's not because I don't believe it can still happen, I'm just starting to see that we don't really want it, we are scared and that has kept us paralyzed. I am doing what so many folks do as they grow tired of walking tall in their beliefs, I am growing old and settling for less than I'd want for myself or any other. I feel unable to chase away the dark energies because they run rampant and sometimes when I look for the light and it's no where to be found I find the darkness incredibly seductive, I start to believe that it is the stronger of the two, it starts to use me in anyway it see's fit and how does that happen? Because the hurt I feel by peoples unwillingness and inability to embrace the light and QUESTION EVERYTHING that it's hopeless, the darkness slips in and the illusion of being lost sets in.

It's simple and goes back to something I have said many, many, many times on both spiritual and political aspects of life...

REVOLUTION: If YOU Want It!!!

"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth." - Henry David Thoreau

-Zachary Hill 2011(C)

Flames in the Desert Sky

They grew up in the "land of the unconscious" unaware of the existence of one another.

It wasn't until they reached "the Gateway to the West" and crossed paths, one going East and one going West under the dark Dakota sky that they met on that fateful night.

Both warriors of the road, both dreamers with a burning passion to leave behind the darkness of the chemical filled warehouse world that divides spirit from body.

The boy went east while the girl went west though the boy knew it'd only be a matter of time before he found himself heading that same direction again.

Over a year had passed before they were brought back together again.

The young man had decided that it was time to leave behind all of the spiritual poverty that he felt to be a crime in the flat lands of Illinois.

The young lady had left Wisconsin for the burning deserts of Arizona to keep a vow she made to herself.

As he rolled deep into the red rock valley full of monuments he was told "Go see the young lady in one of the worlds most magical places" so onto Sedona, he rolled.

It had been 3 years since he had been to Sedona, a place he once lived in and the first place that ever called him to the road.

The boy and girl met on a full moon lit night in a town 30 miles north where the mountains touch the sky.

Sparks were flying as the connection had finally been made, two souls united as one for a long nights serenade.

Being seasoned travelers they talked of stories of the road, about their painful childhoods back in the midwest and how they both despised the cold.

A little uncertain of the other but knowing without a doubt they proceeded to follow the guidance of the Universe by passionately making love until the sun came about.

The signs of this connection had been written in the heavens above as he told her "Arizona has all of the things I dearly love." it wasn't made clear if she had been included in his words but in his heart it could be felt for they did not have to speak.

Karma had slipped in to assist these two old souls with young hearts and help them see what was written in the stars and what was meant to be.

Both followed the guidance and went for the ride as the passion grew more intense and the tides started to divide.

Visions of love, travel, children and home impressed themselves upon him as he learned to surrender to the call of his soul.

She opened up to him with her deepest and darkest secrets, found extreme pleasure and comfort in his touch and sober passionate soul.

Still he wonders what happened on the first night of spring, under the full moon on top of a mountain overlooking a city.

The following morning he returned to the mountain, to see his beloved soul at the most powerful place in the "Valley of the Sun" only this time unlike before she had chosen not to live up to her cities name, instead of rising from the ashes this Phoenix decided to run.

At the edge of the cliff with plenty of reason to jump, a leap of faith was more than enough. The leap was up to them to take and follow their guidance within. He jumped while she stood there stumped allowing the fear to seep in.

When given a gift so divine, what causes a person to turn, run and hide? All the while leaving the world that was flowing in creation all disheveled and broken behind.

This poem is to speak to lovers that have followed their guidance to the beat of both their hearts in perfect sync, to impress upon them that when they find a gem to face the fear with courage and might, not to let their haunting past creep in and kill everything again, to slip into darkness and away from the light.

Though they both have suffered a loss, never knowing what might have been(except for what they were shown)and seeing what happens when you slap God's gift out of his hands displaying the ultimate sin, their lives will move on.

Love doesn't always conquer all and the darkness often takes flight but if you have something heaven sent and diversely divine make sure that you put yourself in check and realize that you may only have this one moment in time.

Time will only tell what will become of these two travelers as they head off into the dark night of the soul, will they meet again or is this the end for these two flames burning in the desert sky as the night grows cold?

-Zachary Hill 2011(C)

"Though lovers be lost love shall not." - Dylan Thomas

What If?...

What if people could address unresolved childhood issues and feel safe in knowing they are not the only one?

What if lovers could relate on a deeper level where intimacy functioned properly on a spiritual, physical, mental and emotional level bringing with it deep satisfaction and fulfillment?

What if politics was driven by spirituality and truly in the best interest of the people?

What if people could look beyond the restrictions of religion and embrace the power within weather or not they believe in a higher being?

What if we turned our attention toward loving one another instead of finding ways to extract commodities from one another?

What if we united as one planet with no allegiance to country, race, gender, government or religion?

What if land and resources are to be shared instead of privately "owned" under a capitalist system?

What if we redefined our purpose by living what we love and producing our own unique gifts to the world?

What if we thought for ourselves and didn't buy into everything our culture, TV or consumer market tells us to?

What if there is an unlimited source of personal power within that doesn't sport ego attachments and allows a higher awareness to channel through?

What if a persons value in their work and craft was based on their integrity, vision and personal brilliance instead of a diploma or college degree?

What if young children were encouraged to think for themselves and were allowed to blossom as themselves?

What if the majority of our population were "outside the box" thinkers? How different would our world look?

What if we could transform our darkness into light and actually affect worldwide change?

What if we were pure in what we put into our mind, body and soul?

What if we all learned the value of nature and let it drive our now ego driven creativeness?

What if we could dive deep into our subconscious and bring forth all of our conditioning and deepest scars to expose them to the world and be embraced safely?

What if acts of the light would outshine all of the darkness our world is currently generating?

What if we could let our love, understanding and compassion flow for those who are different than us?

What if money became a tool again and was distributed amongst everyone?

What if our ancestors had a better understanding of what was really important and valuable in this experience of life?

What if we have traded the human spirit for the human intellect and therefore become more logical than soulfully creative?

What if we shifted from mind to heart in our decisions?

What happens if one person believes in the possibilities of the questions I ask, and then another? and another? What happens when one person acts on these beliefs?

WE CHANGE OUR WORLD!

What happens if one person believes in the possibilities of my inquiries but does nothing or doesn't care?

OUR WORLD CHANGES US!

YOU Decide.

-Zachary Hill 2011(c)

"You may say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one." - John Lennon

Rainbow Gathering 2011: Welcome Home?...Not Quite

Was I really "Welcomed Home" as a member of the human species or was it my pink and purple tye dye that did the trick? I'll let you decide.

I rolled into the Gifford Pinchot National Forest near Cougar, Washington the other night en route to the 2011 Rainbow Gathering. It was every bit of what I expected it to be and at the same time not what I expected. Let's try the pro's and con's list since that seems to work for me lately as I become an observer of life.

PRO's

Beautiful location, lushly green and only a few miles from Mt St Helens!

Hottest girls I have seen in a large crowd, the fact that I'd mention that which is out of my character shows you how exciting that was! ;) (Their creativity with their outfits was mind blowing, the dudes were in the dark with a sense of hippie fashion compared to the chicks!)

Great energy of the land and a safe place to park/sleep for the night, I felt at home with the 20,000 other van dweller and gypsy types

Really good creatively made food, lots of help whenever lost, plenty of generous giving from people

CON's

The #1 issue I had with the gathering, DRUGS! Weed, LSD, shrooms, cocaine, booze..you name it, people were offering it up for free

The anti-authority attitude. I don't like cops very much either but the forest service was rather friendly at this event and the hippies are almost as annoying as the cops in their own way

Too many hippies, not enough spiritual people or gypsys by comparison

Immature and careless energy

Very anti-money and thinking outside the box, prided on poverty and no, I don't feel the "love" from everybody that said they loved me or someone else

I parked behind a yellow former DHL Ford cargo van with California plates and stepped out of my own van with my backpack full of canned food, a bottle of water(with a jug wire tied to my backpack as well), a flashlight, knife, camera and a box full of condoms that never saw use in Phoenix ya know, in case I decided to put my spirituality on the shelf for a few minutes and indulge in the fantasy of what I always hoped to experience...the 1970's all over again! ;)

I walked about a mile up the road to where the police had the main road up to the gathering blocked. They were having shuttles full of people going up the 6 mile road to the gathering(I was told it was 3 miles, liars!)people were hanging out of the back of pick up trucks, piled in vans and station wagons, sitting on the hoods of cars, standing on the back bumpers and laying down on the roof while in transit to the top, what did the cops do about all this? Left them alone! I decided to walk thinking to myself "What is 3 miles? Some good exercise!" Little did I know this was mostly up hill AND 6 miles, not the 3 they had mentioned! About half way up I was starting to question my sanity but the pain of ascending a mountain brought me back to one of the original reasons I wanted to live in the mountains out West and live the vagabond lifestyle. It was a painful pleasure and probably shed a few pounds, I know this morning I was sore as a blister, my shoulders and legs mainly. Half way up the mountain I met a guy named Chris from Oklahoma City, OK who was a big drunk/pothead that got kicked out the US Army for smoking too much pot and goofing around, just the kind've guy I want to make friends with. He was a friendly fellow that had hitched his way across the US and was willing to show me around the entrance of the camp. Once we ascended to the top we assisted a few of our "sisters" while he carried a fish tank(wtf?!)for one of them and I carried a sleeping bag for the other. This was around 10PM and the light wasn't fully gone, we walked deep into the woods about 2 feet from a beautiful river that ran into an open clearing where the event had been set up. After dropping off the girls and their stuff we walked in where he pointed to the information booth, we then parted ways as a guy who was looking to score some coke, weed, LSD, "anything ya got man!" came up to me to see if I had anything, after informing him of my sobriety he pulled out a bottle of wine to which I gladly took a swig(hope it wasn't laced haha!)and moved forward with my adventures. After reaching the gathering and seeing the big banner "WELCOME HOME! WE LOVE YOU!" I decided it was time to look for food, even a can of Chef Boyardees Beef Ravolis wasn't enough to quench the hunger of a 6 mile up hill hike. I started scouting all of the camps, walking into the woods as it got dark, through mud that my shoes almost came off in, through marshes and crossing rivers on a single plank of tree wood that seemed to shift the quicker I would attempt to cross it, I must say I never fell in! I found a food kitchen where I stated to the cute girl serving food "What do you have? I'll take anything!" so I was given fried rice with carrots and celery in it, much better than some of the other options like tootsie roll pancakes or FRIED GUMMY WORMS. Did I forget to mention the NAKEDness of the people working? I felt like I was in a time warp into the 70s for sure. Girls without tops, dudes walking around bare assed just because they could. Rock on brothers and sisters!

As I walked through the woods where the only two things I smelled were pine needles and pot many pot pipes and joints were offered as well as people requesting me to share my "stash" to which I would disappoint them in my sobriety, but nobody gave me any shit to my amazement but their energy seemed kind've off, maybe they thought I was an undercover narco?

After eating I was debating weather or not I was going to just put my hoodie on and sleep on the ground, ya know..in the mud outside with $700 cash in my backpack(which would probably just have been used to start a fire rather than being spent if someone would have stole it..I can see it now "come on maaaannnn, we need to keep the fire goin' cash doesn't mean anything brrrrooo!")to which I decided to head back to the van, yes the 6 miles down the mountain and another 1 mile back to the van. I was hoping to catch a "shuttle" down the mountain to the bottom which I was able to do however I was informed halfway down that he wasn't going all the way down. The guy who picked me up? Damon from Sandpoint, Idaho and he was certainly one of the most level-headed dudes I encountered in the Rainbow Family. He was encouraging me to start an online business to keep myself on the road, he has chosen to take his wife and kids and live in a school bus in Sandpoint, ID 3 months a year and the rest of the year down in MEXICO! I like his style and I am grateful he gave me a lift. After he dropped me off it was roughly another 3 miles down the mountain which I walked about 2.75 of them because only 2 other cars were heading my way and sadly the local sheriffs department doesn't pick up any friendly hitchhikers such as myself, however a guy in an old Toyota pick up was nice enough to give me a lift the remaining .25 miles down the mountain. At the bottom I got out of the bed of his truck and walked the last mile back to my van. Covered in sweat and sore as a motherfucker I decided to strip down, put on some clean underwear and an undershirt and call it a night. I reflected on all of the journeys I have taken so far and decided that the "West Coast Journey 2008" and "Journey to Big Bear 2011" were my favorites so far because of their grandiose, scale and unexpected gifts, I laid there as I started to drift off to sleepyville thinking peacefully after getting a great workout from hiking "I bet the "Faith & Gasoline Tour 2011" will top the other two adventures...or at least give them a run for their money!". ..zzZzzZZzz..

I slept in until about 10AM and decided to get dressed in my other "uniform" for the gathering by wearing the purple and white tye dye(though I was tempted to dress conservatively to see if I would get treated with neglect). While getting dressed someone knocked on two of my windows to which I was hoping maybe Angela had changed her mind and decided to drive down from San Juan Island to join me and show me how it's done at the gathering! Instead it was a chick drawing hearts in the dust on everyones vehicle, not what I expected but pleasant none the less!

I threw on my backpack, locked up the van and started off toward the road block again 1 mile down the road only to find that the police had vanished and instead there was an asshole burn out guy directing traffic so I inquired "can I drive up near the camp area now?" to which he replied "you could've done that yesterday if you knew your rights you idiot! They can't block off a public road, all of you gave your rights over!" so I shrugged and decided to head back a mile toward my van. On the way I met a guy who was high and trippin on LSD from Duluth, Minnesota named Michael. He asked if I could give him a lift up the mountain and I figured "well, he may have LSD and weed on him...but who gives a shit? Theres more of us than cops and surely Shanti Sena(Rainbow Police)will help me if I need them to interfere". We walked back to my van and became briefly acquainted. I learned of his parents divorce taking place in Duluth and how he had hitchhiked from Duluth to East Glacier, Montana and then from East Glacier to the Rainbow Gathering without paying a cent in gas and with only two different vehicles! Impressive my leather-tramp amigo! This dude was living in the bushes and on the street for some time to come, hoping to head back down to the Rockies of Colorado after the gathering. I gave him a ride as far up as I could before the traffic jam started and then dropped him off. See ya!

As traffic became more of a hassle due to the road narrowing and everybody parking on the left hand side(facing both the right way and wrong way)I saw all kinds of vehicles. From Mercedes and Lexus' to vans, trucks, school buses, RVs, an old Greyhound bus and even a van that had paint buckets in front of it encouraging people to paint the windows and side of the van. Neat! Some of my brothers and sisters were assisting with traffic to which after sitting in traffic for a few hours I turned around with almost no room to do so, attempting to avoid driving into the snow at the same time. I started to head back down the mountain again realizing I'd have to park 3 miles away from the gathering and thats just to the front "gate" area...fuck. As I was heading down I picked up another brother hitchhiking with his dog, his name was Huck Finn and he was heading back home to Olympia, Washington. His dog rested its head in my lap and we descended the mountain. I got about half way down the mountain and dropped him off, the same asshole that called me an idiot earlier was now assisting people in parking, so I parked..facing the wrong way of course. I was then contemplating if I really needed to go back to the gathering in the day time to take pictures or to see anything else. I realized that no matter how much free food, beautiful nature and my chances of hooking up with some hot hippie chicks that this wasn't my scene even though I didn't regret going, I was ready to leave.

I went in the back of my van and meditated briefly, asked my pendulum to confirm if my feelings were correct(which it did)for a little secondary opinion and decided to fire up the van and head back toward the closest town 30 miles away, Cougar, WA.

In conclusion, what I was hoping for was to interact with more gypsys, healers and Native Americans. What I got was really friendly hippies, stoners, Seattlites/Portlanders and full time 9-5 people taking a break from their reality. No different than a Renaissance Faire only cooler because it didn't revolve around profit but around people just hanging out. My strong feelings and beliefs kicked in when I realized that there wasn't much of what I was looking for to be found and I realized that had I decided to head back into the event I would have only been walking in circles eating fried gummy worms and acting on the lustful eye contact exchanges with the attractive ladies to which I felt no spiritual connection.

3 years ago I took on the tye dyes and long hair as a way to express my colorful feelings that loomed within myself, 3 years later I feel like an intruder putting on a costume no different than a work uniform. While the tye dyes remain colorful their meaning to me has been lost and I may as well have worn a sign at the gathering that said "look at me, I fit in!". The colorful meaning of my tye dyes that I prided myself to wear back in 2008 faded as I became incredibly negative in 2009 and 2010 and even though I am swinging back into the light in 2011 I no longer feel the connection I once felt with the tye dyes, in some ways the last time I wore one with pride was the day I spent in Sedona in January with Sara.

For the majority of the people at the gathering still stuck in the high school mentality of clicks and coolness I find myself not being concerned with how long my hair is or what I am wearing. Don't get me wrong, there were some cool folks at the gathering and plenty of unique and nifty outfits and I'm supporting the whole idea of "to each his own", however I felt like maybe I was one of the few that felt that way at the gathering.

My critique of the 2011 Rainbow Gathering in Gifford Pinchot National Forest is by no means negative and by no means positive, but more so neutral. I enjoyed it for what it was and it was quite the experience. As I continue on down the road of life I continue to document my experiences as an observer and I would say this about the Rainbow Gathering to those who have not gone. If you like crowds, drugs, hippies and just hanging out or if you're into colorful people, beautiful nature, community and anybody willing to help you at the drop of a dime when all you have to do is ask then it's certainly worth checking out! I'm glad I went, I just don't believe I would go out of my way to go again by myself, with someone else? That's a different story.

When I hit the road and left the gathering and started driving through the beauty that is Gifford Pinchot NF I yet again was shown that I already know what I value, now it's just time to attract it and make it happen!

-LATE ADDITION-

I walked back to the van under a beautiful starlit sky seeing the shadows of the tops of the evergreen and pine trees all alone with the flashlight turned off singing John Denver's "Country Roads, Take Me Home", this was the most relaxed and free I felt at the event.

Here I Go Again

I departed San Juan Island yesterday morning and arrived in Mount Vernon around 930AM. A quick business stop to get new shoes, new sandals, a brake job on the van and a new haircut kept me in Mount Vernon until about 4PM, I also had the pleasure of helping a guy push his broke down car off of the road along with a local sheriffs deputy, too bad I can't spend a lifetime helping people with the small things and still be able to support myself...or can I? I rolled into Seattle around 5PM right during rush hour and noticed the rage towards the city people and stress was gone. SJI what did you do with the Zac I used to know? ;)

First thing I saw off the ferry was a huge Arizona flag, followed by a guy shouting something about rising like the Phoenix and then later followed by a huge piece of graffiti on a train overpass that had a bold red colored "AZ" imprint while I was telling Roz on the phone about the Arizona "coincidences".

I also stopped for Chinese food yesterday and though it was Panda Express(believe me, much better than China Pearl!)my fortune cookie was interesting... "A good position and comfortable salary will be yours." right on!

I have passed numerous "Free Coffee" signs at the rest stops so far, these Seattlites and PNW folks love their coffee.

After rolling out of Seattle I headed towards Mt Rainier which has always been my favorite place in Washington state. About 5 miles outside of the park something didn't feel right so I turned around and started heading toward the Rainbow Gathering which is where all of the excitement started.

My GPS took me down about 50 miles of gravel one lane roads and over old bridges and past some "top secret" looking government facility. I was really living up to my whole persona of being "On The Backroads" last night. After returning back to the Gifford Pinchot National Forest paved highways I ran into not one but TWO "Road Closed" signs with the gates shut, I figured the police were fucking with the rainbow folks or maybe it was snowy? I found out this morning from a campground host that it was snow...mmhmm yeah right.

Today has been full of excitement from having the van about 2 inches airborn and landing hard causing my bicycle to slam into the passengers side taillight and shatter it into pieces to sitting in a library in a small town outside of Mount St Helens that I haven't been to in 3 years. I'm taking all of these Road Closed signs and the broken taillight(that the forest cops ticket people for at RG's)as signs that maybe I need to avoid the Rainbow Gathering. I'm still heading south either way so I will see how it feels in the mean time.

I know this post has been a bit all over but I'm itchin' to get back on the road. Time to call a junk yard for a new taillight and get back on the highway!

...until next time...

Written: Longview, Washington 2011