The Return of an Old Friend

An "old friend" that I had given to a loved one in Illinois in late 2010 found it's way back to me in the mail today. Those of you who know me know that I had a thing for bandanas for the past few years. I started by buying a black one to keep my new(at that time)long hair out of my face while driving west for the first time ever in 2008. New adventures, new hairstyles, new clothing accessories. This bandana was the second one I ever purchased and out of a total of about 12 bandanas in 4 years, this was and still is my favorite of all. I purchased it in Sturgis, SD in 2008 at a gas station.

When I was preparing to move out of Illinois in late 2010 my ex-girlfriend at that time and I were having a difficult time saying goodbye and I gave her this bandana as a farewell present and something to remember me by.

In 2009 when a friend of mine and I were driving through South Dakota heading back to Illinois I had him stop at the same gas station in Sturgis to see if I could find another one that wasn't weathered, I had no such luck. A few hours later that night my friend and I stopped for gas in South Dakota and met a girl while I was wearing this bandana. She was moving from Wisconsin after 10 years of longing to move to the west and we were the first people she met. She had this exact same design on the back of her car windshield on a sticker, we had many other things in common as well. She later told me in 2011 shortly after I fell in love with her that this bandana's symbol had been a sign to her that night in South Dakota 2009 that she was doing the right thing and she felt comforted by it, that everything would be okay. Fast forward 2 years and she was there at the beginning of my journeys moving from the mid-west to the west and in both cases, we ended up living in bordering states.

Both of these people who have changed my life for the better through some of the best and worst times I've ever had, have both come and gone. While the first one who mailed me this bandana today had a hard time moving forward from the experience we shared, I had the same hard time moving forward from the experience I shared with the Wisconsin girl.

The other night I wrote the previous entry "The Dance is Over" and with that came a clearing of energy on all accounts. I was finally ready to start stepping into the new skin and yet again follow the Universe's lead. Included in that package of things I was ready to move forward with was letting go of the last remains of the experience with the Arizona girl as some of you know her as, formerly Wisconsin. The dreamcatcher and animal skull had a Native American feeling and it's a theme that has reoccurred and shown up in my life time and time again in the past few years.

On four occasions my favorite bandana has been a symbol of so much and somehow it has been the gift that keeps on giving.

1. It was my symbol of breaking free on my first adventure alone in the west, I bought it at the "Gateway of the West" in South Dakota.

2. It was the trigger of comfort for a solo female traveler that 2 years later I shared soul intimacies with.

3. It was the "farewell" and thank you token given to another loved one.

4. It returned to me today and with it the gift of revelation came. Yesterdays chapter of self discovery is over, it's another sign of growing up and moving into the new.

With it, came a letter...

"Zac,

I don't need this anymore. Thanks for what we had. I won't forget it."

As I hold the bandana now I'm kind of excited that it returned to me, I always kind've secretly wished I didn't give it away but I always remembered why I had. In that moment I came to realize that the words of the letter were just as true for me about the Wisconsin girl I met on that night in South Dakota 2009 and yet again in Arizona 2011 as the words of the letter were true for the person back in Illinois who sent it to me.

It's still my favorite bandana not only for it's looks and badass design but because of the wonderful memories I had at different times in my life and such as the case with anything truly important in life, the memories are both of the highest pleasures and the deepest pains.

I won't be keeping the bandana though because I too, don't need it anymore nor will I forget it.

I LIVED.
I LOVED.
I LOST.

...and I'm ready to do it again!!!

Life goes on. =:)


-Zachary Hill (C) 2012

(Photo Taken: Texas/Mexico border during

"West Coast Journey 2008")

The Dance is Over

It's amazing how abandoned and abused we can feel when we step on the path of light. In some ways it may seem like the darkness has such a grip that stepping out of it is an act of defiance that can only be compared to one person standing up to a tyranistic government fully equipped with machine guns and missiles, while you stand there with a stick and pocket knife. As the darkness of the ego dies, the light of the higher self is birthed and it's in those moments where time seems to freeze, you look back into your past with all it's regrets, mistakes, betrayals, victories, losses, suffering, redemption and then you look to your future praying and hoping that you will not repeat the same mistakes of the past, you will not be abandoned, betrayed or devastated as you once were but the only thing you know for sure is what lies ahead of you at this very moment, the present. The past is gone though it shows us just how far we've come and we can learn from it. The future gives us direction to move forward and blaze a new trail that no other has done so yet, in our own skin and our own way. It's the present though that is the gift where the past has been done and the future is still to be done. Somewhere inbetween our logic and intuitions quarrels with one another consciousness sneaks in again and says: "Remember before you are many choices but ultimately they will lead down one of only two paths. There is no room for riding the fence, each moment of each day you are to choose between doing what is right and doing what is evil. If you seek good it shall come through intuition, love, grace, truth and suffering. If you seek evil it shall come through ego, lust, trickery, deception and suffering. You will suffer either way, it is the key to growth in the light and it is the result of acting in the dark. Some of us are born in a loving and nurturing environment, others are born in negative and empty environments. Will you turn the other cheek or seek revenge? Will you live today for tomorrow or will you remain stuck in yesterday? No one is perfect nor are you supposed to be, will you transform your hardships and pain? Or will you feed them and let them reign? Remember, intention is only one side of the coin of balance, the other is action. Many people intend to walk in the light yet still serve the dark because they don't face evils most powerful weapon, fear. You may not always be ready to take fear head on but do not judge yourself, if you hold your intention and prepare your strike against fear, you will overcome. One of the biggest fears people have is for them a sad truth. Darkness does have the ability to physically take your life, it also has the power to influence others in your life through fear which can eventually lead to possession. The one thing is does not have the ability to do is take your power away once you realize your own power and you hold it in the light. It's all about holding and expanding your light into all dark corners. The thought that you have control is a deceptive seduction by the dark energy, the reality is you have CHOICE, but not control. Serve as a free soul in the light, or serve as a slave under the illusion of freedom in the dark. Either way you will serve. Most people will dance with the devil a few times in their life before they even learn how to dance. You will be tested, count on it and there will be times you may feel alone, lost, beaten down, abandoned, used and abused and you may yet again dance with the devil even after vowing to not do so anymore and you will continue in this cycle until you move back into the light and call it in to help you. Eventually, the devil will have his arms around you, pushing you to choose. At this moment you will realize that you didn't submit to him by choice because if you had he wouldn't have to hold you as tightly. He will look you in the eye and his gaze will reflect everything you fear, every lustful desire you have, every bit of temptation to take revenge, he will pull your weaknesses to see if he can get you to rage, he will promise you the most "wonderful" seductions that your darkest fantasies can dream of. Now, the moment of decision is upon you and you must remember you don't have control but you have the choice of free will. As he stares you dead in the eyes you may feel your deepest fear come to life as a choice needs to be made, it's in this very moment where the energy will shift and your allegiance will be sworn. If you want your power you must look him in the eyes and have faith that you will be guided out of his grasp but you must own your power! Speak to him and say "ENOUGH! You DO NOT own ME!!..and I DO NOT serve you!". Otherwise, submit in fear and you are his. Will you stand alone as a unique individual with the stick and pocket knife, knowing you may not survive but KNOWING you are FREE?..or will you put on the uniform of the underworld, ready your machine gun, load the missiles and attack the stick man knowing in your heart that you are not free?

At this time in your consciousness it doesn't matter what energy you served in the past before the moment of conscious decision, but it shall be known that after you have reached this point, there is no return. So, what's it gonna be?.."

I'd rather live one day as a lion than a lifetime as a sheep. I've been close to this moment before but today I looked the devil in the eyes and faced his demons that have been in me for so long and though scared, I spoke with conviction and my voice did not tremble: "You do not own me, you do not control me, I HAVE MY POWER!!!..and I'm taking my freedom!"

The devil then spoke to me: "You'll be back! I'll be waiting for you around every corner, every step of the way! I will NEVER let go!!!"

I stared into the blackness of his eyes as I listened to his evil words, there I stood tall in my conviction while the light began to yet again make it's presence known to me as I became surrounded by angels. I slowly backed off the dance floor surrounded by the light as the room darkened around him, he dare not step into the graces of the light. Before turning and walking out the door I looked him in the eyes one last time:

"....I already let go."

The dance is over.

-Zachary Hill (C) 2012

The Empath Soul

The empath soul feel's a mother to fatherless children weep and he wants to fill the void by being the loving husband and father.

The empath soul feel's a homeless man sleeping on a park bench and he wants to give him a warm bed and safe home to sleep in.

The empath soul feels the pain of a starving person in a third world country and wants to bring them to the "advanced world" to give them a choice of food beyond their wildest imaginations.

The empath soul feels a little boys pain who has been molested by a sick parent and wants to be a loving and healthy parent for that boy.

The empath soul feels a girl in her late 20s that has difficulty with intimacy because she has been raped and physically abused 10 years prior and he wants to make love to her to let her know that it isn't meant to be that way.

The empath soul feels the pain of a 70 year old who looks back on their life with regret realizing that death is near while they confess to the things they wish they would've done and he assures them it isn't too late, they're not dead yet!

The empath soul feels the soldiers pain and fear as he leaves everything he loves to risk his life and the life of his "enemy" for a cause he finds worthy. The empath wants to take the guns of both him and his "enemy" and show them that they're not so different.

The empath soul feels the remorse of the man who just killed someone else in a fit of rage, while he doesn't have the power to bring anyone back he wishes he could take this persons rage and transform it.

The empath soul feels the spiritual disconnection and avarice in the heart of greedy people who have given over to the dark side and he wants to take their external power and materials and dispose of them so they can experience the humbling required to let the light shine in.

The empath soul feels the highest pleasures and pains of all the people in the world. The financially wealthy whose soul cries out for more love and less possessions. The obese person that wishes they could stop over eating. The poor person that wishes they had something to eat. The anorexic person that is afraid to eat. The alcoholic that wishes they could stop drinking. The drug addict that can't seem to kick their habit. The boy or girl that don't believe they are beautiful or good enough. The man or woman that don't believe they are beautiful or good enough. The father who has lost a child. The child who has lost a mother. The suicidal person who can't seem to find a reason to go on. The homicidal person who can't seem to find a reason to let someone else go on. The person who fears God and blindly believes without question. The person who doesn't believe in God because they're too afraid to let go of control. The narcissist that cannot allow themselves to be vulnerable.

The empath soul feels everyone. The empath soul is aware that suffering is needed for growth but feels it none the less. He tunes out his empathy whenever he can just to keep his sanity and energy aligned.

The empath soul feels for everyone including himself and while he wishes blessings and love for everyone he realizes that isn't the reality. At the end of the day, he looks at himself in the mirror and against his own desires forces himself to accept that he cannot save the world nor can he really change it, but at the same time he realizes there's nothing more important and inevitable than change.

He looks into his own eyes, takes a deep breath and exhales. With the exhale and his eyes locked on themselves in the mirror he realizes the truth. He may or may not be able to help all these people he feels and he knows some he will be able to help and others he won't. He then realizes that if he doesn't have empathy for the soul that stares back at him in the mirror he wont ever be able to be the healing powers of love.

So, he sheds a tear and takes another deep breath, realizing that he will have to tune out the needs of the world so he can see what it is HE needs. He listens to his empathetic heart and with his mind he contemplates and this is what he feels empathy tell his soul..

"You may be wondering why I have come to you and made you FEEL my power."

The man replies "YES! Sometimes its wonderful and other times its pure pain I can hardly stand it!!! Please TELL ME!" the man objectively listens with a bit of excitement and fear as to what the response will be.

Empathy then responds by giving him something that only his heart can know and decide, but also something that his mind can calculate and entertain after his heart has made its decision. "We are all here to find ourselves in each other, it doesn't matter if it is human, animal or plant life and while pain is inevitable and the world is far from perfect it is only love, compassion, truth, understanding and forgiveness that will dissolve hate, resentment, deception, judgement and being unforgiven. Without empathy you cannot FEEL any of the positive emotions to combat the negative ones. I am a tool and you'll just have to learn how to finely tune me and put me to work efficiently. I can be your best friend or worst enemy, the choice is yours."

The empath soul feels the energy of empathy towards himself to have a better understanding and then makes a bold statement. "But I'm scared! What if all I can ever do is keep feeling people's pain and not be able to help them heal?"

"You can only help them to the extent that they want help but you must want it for yourself first. Even a day as an empath soul who can't quite seem to find balance is better than a lifetime of being numb, without feeling life would be meaningless." Empathy replied.

"Better to live one day as a lion than a lifetime as a sheep?..I think I get it now. Find what it is in me that makes me feel so deeply in relation to others pleasures and pains and therein lies the answer to my purpose?" the man inquires.

"You've already discovered it, you just haven't fully owned it yet. You're a healer, a teacher, a friend..you're the loving husband and father of the single mother with a child, you're the wealthy man with the mansion who helps give the homeless a warm and safe place to sleep, you're the lover who brings intimacy by making love to the woman who has been raped, you're the person who is there to tell the elderly it isn't too late to live! You're ALL of these things and ALL of these people whenever you need to be. You feel empathically at a heightened level not only so you can help heal everyone else but also so YOU can heal YOURSELF!" Empathy stated boldly.

"Stop looking and start seeing. The power is within me. Do what makes me come to life and be the inspiration for those around me. I believe I've got it! Now, I just need some courage and strength to rise again to the occasion!" the man suggested.

"I am empathy not courage and strength so therefore I can only offer what I am, but I'll give you a hint on how to find them. You'll have to look in a special place..a very powerful place where I also come from, a place that holds such a power it is the only place where everything starts and everything ends."

The man continues to face empathy in his own reflection with a sense of suspense and stars in his eyes, eagerly awaiting empathies response: "Where must I look?? Where is this hidden power???"

"You. Everything you need lies within you."

I am the empath soul.

-Zachary Hill (C) 2012

Life As A Flashlight

by: Zachary Hill

"Life is a flashlight.

God is the flashlight.

The truth is what we can't see without the flashlight.

Our angels and guides are the wind that sometimes blows the flashlight out of our hand so it falls and the switch gets hit into the "ON" position, as it just so happens the light falls and shines exactly where it needs to every time.

The batteries are energy. The planet is the rechargeable batteries since it is always renewing and reviving. Our soul and spirit is the non-rechargeable batteries since sometimes when our energy runs out, it's time for a fresh change.

The string that wraps around our wrist to provide us with extra ability to not lose the flashlight is our intuition because it encourages us to protect the flashlight by securing it to our wrist, which also reminds us that the flashlight is always available for our use, it never leaves us.

The "ON/OFF" switch is our logic, intellect and intelligence. It is submissive to us pushing the button and it's only job is that it knows how to carry out the function of what the flashlight carrier has done by pressing the switch.

We now know what a flashlight provides for us, what it's purpose is and how easy it is to use. So I leave you with one question...

"Are you going to turn your flashlight on?"

-On The Backroads (C) 2012