"Not all who wander are lost." - J.R.R Tolkien
I set out for 2011 to be the "Year of Metamorphosis" when in reality 2011 played out more like a year of challenge that brought on the metamorphosis. I discovered many new values of how I viewed life, the world around me and myself all the while juggling energy spikes and crashes while swinging back and forth between the light and the dark.
I once had a dream to travel in a van. In 2011 I came, I conquered but I didn't quite soar. My van dream was overshadowed by other pains of the heart and soul. I also set out to "clear my karma" this year, something that I have made progress with by leaps and bounds. If any statement could be true about me this year it would be "two steps forward for every one step back". I plowed through a lot of emotional baggage, a lot of deeply seated issues that needed to be brought home to roost from childhood as well as new issues that arose this year unexpectedly. Although it was never intended, 2011 became a year of sabbatical. A year off from work, the main stream and society yet at the same time I found myself plugged into all of those facets equally as much as I had been disconnected. I suffered financially from a lack of work(both due to a dried up economy and unwillingness on my part), I benefited from social engagements in major cities and I spent time with ALL of the people I love, from family to my dearest friends. This year, in many ways was a blessing and a curse.
Overall, I would sum up 2011 as being a blessing. I moved to the mountains, deserts and oceans of the Western USA. I fell deeply in love and allowed myself to be me during that time giving me the relationship I had always dreamed of. To some degree, I lived my van-dweller dream. I cleaned up old wounds from the past, some going back 10 years and others to childhood. I yet again traveled all over the United States from "Coast 2 Coast" and border to border(and beyond!). I was able to spend time with every single person I love, some of them more than once this year..reconnecting, building and cherishing friendships that I am never ungrateful for even when I lose my gratitude for other things.
In exchange I sacrificed my entire financial solvency and reputation, I was faced with learning how to accept a deep loss of love that still disturbs me to this day and I swung in and out of dark places as the search continued.
In November, I made an attempt at financial solvency and to get back on my financial feet in what I consider to be a partially wasted trip, North Dakota. Fighting off all evils, dark depression and the cold weather(all the while living in a new van at the Walmart)I found myself facing the work of my past. I was unhappy with doing so but still managed to push forth and land two jobs, but no housing. I did not have enough money to pay for housing and barely enough to make it back to the southwest upon departure. While I learned some important lessons while in North Dakota, I learned not to take risks when it comes to finances if for no other reason than I gambled my last few dollars on something that seemed so promising, only to end up completely broke with a few hundred bucks left.
As we get ready to leave 2011 behind and head into 2012 I can't help but feel I am at another set of crossroads. I have been reflecting on what it was I learned this year along with what direction I want to head in with the coming new year. I came to discover today that the things I wanted have not really changed, now I am just better equipped to deal with some of them.
My list of goals in 2011 were simple:
Clear karma and ascend
Confront childhood issues that are weighing me down and work through them
Move West
Buy a camper van and live nomadically
Further discover my life's purpose
With the exception of buying a camper van(I settled for a conversion van)I was able to make all of those realities come to light. I moved west, bought a van, reconnected with my gift of art(particularly my gift of writing and photography), faced the childhood issues and now I sit here looking forward.
Despite the fact that I had started to feel a sense of burn out with traveling this year, I realized that the burn out has had to do more with the amount of stress and frustration I have suffered this year largely at the hands of things outside myself and some within my hands. This year while traveling I was facing the reality of becoming an adult, letting go of regret from a decision I made at the end of 2010 that ended up being something I felt I regretted the most at the time, falling in love and seeing what the future held only to have that future be abruptly cut short and completely out of my control, living mobile in a vehicle with bad gas mileage during a time with high gas prices and virtually no good paying jobs/no jobs at all like the ones I had been used to a few years ago, working through my anger/sadness issues of childhood all the while attempting to enjoy some natural scenery. I had my moments of levity in nature this year, that is for sure. However, overall I was confronted with asking myself what I really wanted.
First I listened to my heart tell me what I wanted, only to realize it hadn't really changed much in a year and then I listened to my head tell me all the reasons it can't and/or won't happen.
I am still a nomad and not only am I one but I have no desire whatsoever to stop now. I don't mind slowing the pace down and prolonging my stays in certain areas for a period of time and become intimate and familiar with them but I have no desire to climb into a mortgage or apartment lease anytime soon. My reasons are more personal than just the staggeringly bad economy nationwide. When I fell in love with travel in 2008 I told myself I'd never want to stop being a traveler, no matter if I had a wife, kids, job responsibilities, etc. Traveling is the major artery to my heart and all of it's passion, if it's clogged or severed then I feel a major disconnect from the Source in which I gain my energy for passion and my calling in this life. Travel has never been said by me to replace the idea of having a life partner, a self employed and rewarding career or even children should they come along, travel is just the lifestyle in which I choose to live my reality and this experience of life. I am an explorer, an adventurist, a material minimalist, a free spirit, I love nature, I love visiting new places as well as returning to old ones and I love the liberation and freedom that I feel within traveling. I'm the kind of person that would spend $20,000 on a $3,000 motorhome and use the rest to sustain a 2-3 year trip around the nation or internationally, rather than put a down payment on a "sticks and bricks" house.
A lot of people this year and in the past 3 years have asked me "when do you think you will burn out?" or better yet some have implied with their knowing beyond a doubt "you will eventually get tired and want to settle down". Though I certainly won't rule out the possibility of burn out or settling down, I will say that I do not see it on the horizon for 2012 or anytime in the near future. If I am a sitting duck it's more likely due to the economy or momentary obligations while I still find a way to become self sufficient in business and weaned off of the traditional 9-5, rather than settling by choice.
My love connection in which I shared this year dealt a new dynamic to the nomadic wander-love that is deep within me. I never figured I would ever have to choose between my life as a traveler and being in a relationship. I learned from dating over the past few years that a large part of what makes me who I am is my desire to travel, as the more I travel the more the meaning behind those travels deepens. This year I shared a love connection with someone who also was a traveler and that I had a huge compatibility with, in an interesting turn of events they chose a different life path(not only on the topic of travel but in general)and to say I was disappointed would be an understatement. I learned through this relationship though, that no longer did I just want to have a life partner some day that I could travel, learn and love with both inside ourselves/each other and the outside world but I learned that it was something that I wouldn't be able to compromise on.
Sharing my life with someone on a level where I literally was able to be myself entirely, no reservations was liberating. Feeling a connection so strong and losing it has only created a stronger desire to yet again share such a connection in the wake of it's departure. I tended to never actively seek love and relationships of the kind as they generally found me right before I was ready to set off on a big adventure, I now seek out a connection that can outdo the one I most recently shared and though I have my doubts that anything could be outdone in this regard, I have a small portion of optimism.
The thought of traveling the world with a beautiful partner that I can grow with and possibly creating a family life anywhere in the world while doing it in such an unconventional, yet practical and "back to nature" kind of setting feels exhilarating to me. It's something that I look forward to with great amounts of excitement and child-like glee!
The thought of getting up, going to work for 8+ hours at the same job everyday, coming home to my 30+ years of debt or 1 year lease at an inflated price of money that I will never see again and asking my partner questions such as "how was work today, dear? any mail for me today?" while getting ready to pick my children up from a public indoctrination institute not only makes me sick to my stomach, but makes me depressed.
I want to take my traveling up a notch, I want to spread it to a world level in the coming year. I want to make more friends during my travels. I want to share my travels with a partner who has the same passion for a life of freedom in the same regard I do. I want to become financially solvent and be able to thrive financially to back my spiritual desires, projects and God-sent responsibilities.
2011 started out as a year of feeling like I had to start over and as I face 2012 it feels much the same. 2011 was full of trials and errors as I'm sure 2012 will be.
WHAT I LEARNED in 2011: I learned this year just how powerful my intuition is, how capable I am of letting go of things that are hurting me, I learned how to forgive others who trespassed against me and how to forgive myself, I learned the power of love be it on a twin flame level or just a soul mate level that manifests as a friendship is priceless and makes the nectar of life that much sweeter, I learned that while I've taken on a lot of darkness head on and walked in the Light I'm still finding my way to a comfortable rhythm that works for me, most importantly I learned that my dreams can come true and that love can be found in the strangest of places, I also learned that with these dreams and the life of a nomad, loss is bound to happen and needs to be accepted.
HOW 2011 WILL EFFECT 2012/DECLARATIONS for 2012: Balance. 2012 is all about balance just like 2008 and 2009 were all about self discovery, 2010 was all about discovering the outside world and 2011 was about metamorphosis. The experiences of metamorphosis that came to pass in 2011 will continue on as an underlying theme for 2012, especially as our world heads into further dark waters both economically and politically, 2012 will usher in a way for me to find balance between the things I love, desire and feel responsible to live for and finding a way to channel these passions and callings into a healthy outlet. 2012 will be a year of expansion and solvency regarding to matters of the heart, matters of the mind and matters of the wallet. It will require learning how to balance and quickly in a time of outer world chaos, in a time where the path I once walked is separating from the path I have stepped on this year. This separation is happening both in my personal world within and the external world outside.
In 2012 I feel like I am being asked by both the energies of Good and Evil to choose. 2011 showed my vow to "Responsibility, Reinvention and Rebirth" all three were fueled by walking in the Light and siding with what is Good. My path in the Light this year has tested my faith and even my desire to keep walking on the new path I am blazing. Walking in the Light may be uncertain and tough at times, I may fall to my knee's searching for the signs of Light in the darkest tunnels...but I *know* with certainty what awaits me if I turn around and go back to where I was in 2010, I can feel the dividing barrier of energy even when I contemplate the idea.
2010 showed me a life of darkness is no life at all..
2011 showed me how to work my way out of that life...
In 2012, whether or not I have to face my past yet again is unknown, though I know it will reveal itself regardless. In 2012 one thing IS for certain, I'm only going one direction:
FORWARD.
"I have loved, I have lost.
I have shared, I have learned.
I have suffered, I have triumphed.
I have given, I have taken.
I have been high, I have been low.
I have lived....and this is just the beginning." - excerpt from 2011: Year of Metamorphosis http://onthebackroads87.blogspot.com/2011/01/2011-year-of-metamorphosis.html
-Zachary Hill 2011(C)
Written: San Jose, California 2011
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