After 3 long and quiet weeks out east in New Bethlehem Pennsylvania I have been back in California for 3 days, and to my amazement, I'm not enjoying it, at all.
From the moment(literally) I stepped off the airplane in Los Angeles, I have been stressed, pissed, easily annoyed and depressed. I have returned to the town of Big Bear Lake where I have always found myself at home, only to find myself stressed and annoyed. As I attempt to figure out the shift in this situation, I can't help but keep thinking of my time in Pennsylvania, the things I left behind, the things I learned and the things that have changed from that experience. What it really has come down to is two choices that are equally tempting, one is that of my dreams(which hasn't been working too well for me for almost 2 years now to begin with), and one is settling for "second best" next to my dreams. If you're a dreamer(like I've always been), then you know damn well that "second best" is a unacceptable distant cousin to living one's dreams. But in a world that is collapsing and changing as we know it, that isn't tailored to unconventional living, and in a society that I grow more and more disconnected from as I ascend my own personal path, what is one to do?? It's the age old story of the struggles a person is placed in when they evolve beyond the world around them. After traveling this country countless times, I see less and less of the things I like, yet the original dream remains the same, only now awakened with my calling added to it.
THE DREAM/THE CALLING:
Lifestyle: I've found great comfort in the nomadic lifestyle, and I would like to continue it throughout the United States, as well as going overseas in the foreseeable future, as well as sustaining and expanding within the nomadic lifestyle indefinitely. Based on my life's work/my desires alone, nomadic living is not a "wanderlust" fad, it IS the way I choose/feel called to live my life. I've "settled down" in this lifestyle and that's what it is.
The Calling/Sustaining Income: This world is in very dark times and many people are lost as to what they want to do based on what they feel called to do. Over the years I've tried to justify to myself that I should try different types of work in order to see what a good fit would be for me, a way for me to serve and feel some personal satisfaction within my service. The only result I keep getting is that I'm called to help people seek a higher purpose for themselves, in the times before the "American Dream" this would be equivalent to a gypsy preacher, only in this modern era of great intelligence we have the tools, better understanding and the dying of religion to assist in helping others see their true potential, not based on some book, or theory of what "God wants", but an actual way to look at ourselves and see what powers lie within us, regardless of our spiritual beliefs. I believe that we as people have an ability and right to earn a fair living by providing services that are specially tailored for us, or known as a "calling". These gifts that we have are the only acceptable choice for our path, and we always seem to find that our life works a great deal better when we discover and follow that purpose, of course unless that purpose deeply conflicts with the great evil of all time, the system.
People: Believe it or not, I really love people. I just detest almost everything we do as a species in the modern world, we've lost touch with what is truly important and what is really of value, and now as a species we are dearly paying for it. Most of the worlds population lives a life of fear, myself included. However, unlike most of the worlds population I've chosen to not walk a traditional path just because I was told to do so, or because I was "promised" that if I jump through a few hoops, there would be rewards at the end of those hoops that seem to be vanishing within our planets number one infected sickness, "The American Dream". We're we all supposed to conform in school by letting a teacher educated by the system tell us what the think? We're we all supposed to conform to our parents desires for our lives? Go to college, get a "good" job(good by definition of social status or income level associated with said job), buy an overpriced box with windows known as a house that never truly feels like a home, buy the newest and hottest trendy automobile, have the tie wearing husband that never shows emotion, the smokin' hot wife that always appears "perfect", the children whose intuitive gifts we destroy at a young age by allowing such a system to molest their very being, all the while putting our own desires for them upon them. Is this not completely sick and twisted?!?! What about striving to understand a deeper purpose? Seeing what works for us as an individual, what we feel called to do to make our world a better place, and in turn make the world a better place, not one driven by ego, money based greed and societal power. I understand that people are a product of their environment and only know what they've been exposed to, but I also have learned in my travels across America that most people will not stand up and fight for themselves, they will not question what is expected of them and will not think/feel for themselves, and it is the act of not seeking that for themselves that turns me off with people. In addition to that, I don't understand this "city life phenomenon" where everyone is so impressed with the very being of a city. We are conditioned to believe that there is "nothing to do" unless we have some man made stimulation in our face at every moment. If there isn't some egoically renowned restaurant to eat at, egoically renowned clothing store to shop at, a bar/club to go to or some other lackluster man made "art" creation to go see, we consider a place to have nothing to offer. Yet it's in our own Mother Earth that all of the beauty truly resides. Every city is a mecca for businesses, and it's a large reason why people have flocked to them in large groups. In older times they may have been meccas for building communities, but in the digital age and within the last 150 years, they've seemed to become a cesspool of crime, stress, ego and worst of all, Corporate America. All cities are like a computer operating system, such as Windows or Linux. They all offer the same functions, options and purpose. While you can choose between them, and even change your desktop wallpaper, there isn't really anything fresh and exciting coming from them, yet there was a deep potential to have made them something incredible in their original creation, and it's not entirely too late for many of them, though some are beyond repair. When you look at how long our planet has been here, our species for that matter too, it's clear that the city itself is a new creation, and one of our most ego based creations, and sadly through a system that is plugged into every facet of life these days, it's effecting everything outside of itself, even deep into what we now call "the country", which not too long ago was just called everyday life for most people. Most people live from this place of city progression, yet it's truly not progress. I'm 100% for change, especially due to the modern day Americana mentality of the world that is traditional living, yet I'm only interested in change for the better, which is not something I see happening with people because we are too afraid to channel our own true calling and powers within each and every one of us. Therefore, I'd rather keep my distance from countless droves of drone like robots now masquerading as human beings. As for fellow seekers of truth, light and real human progress from a point of spiritual ascension, I welcome and seek every one of them across the globe, for they are the only people of interest anymore.
Purpose Driven: So, how do I fulfill my life's work and make an income based on the financial system we have in place right now in a world where that financial system is collapsing, it's resources are being hoarded by the very people I'm working to expose, and how do I reach the sleeping masses of my fellow species who have no conscious desire to awaken from a poisonous pipe dream? These questions have remained my challenge, and my mission for nearly 5 years. They also lead to the comfort of revelations I've discovered while reflecting on my time in Pennsylvania, where I didn't feel stressed, frustrated or depressed for most of my time there.
"EASY STREET"/A Conventional Choice:
Lifestyle: With my growing distaste for fighting to keep following my path in a world currently controlled by darkness, I had a great contrast painted for me while staying with a friend in PA for a few weeks. I realized that I could get any 40+ hour a week job in a remotely beautiful and natural part of America, I could buy/rent a cheap piece of farmland or other natural setting away from civilization, I could go to work, make a few bucks, live cheaply and comfortably. It would not be my dream, it would not be living on purpose, but it would relieve me of the aggravation found in trying to live that purpose. I could find a reasonable level of comfort within a simple life in the country somewhere, this lifestyle choice has been on my mind for over 3 days straight, and is incredibly tempting.
The Calling/Sustaining Income: I could choose to pursue my calling somewhat in this lifestyle choice as well, though not in it's entirety, and with this lifestyle choice being based around simplicity and less stress, I'd more than likely opt for just taking a traditional 9-5 of any kind(does it matter?)just to pay the bills to allow me to have my small piece of land, peace of mind in Mother Nature and distance from the population of robots.
People: In this lifestyle choice, I don't have to interact with people as much as I do in my calling. My calling revolves around people, and the improvement of their spiritual consciousness, this choice would be more of a "hands off" approach. Not encouraging, or offering help to people on any level unless it comes to my front door or if I so desire. I would more than likely have to interact with people at my job, but I can disconnect my emotion from who their ego is and not concern myself with what they do in the world at large. I would basically turn my back on what I was put here to do by encouraging people to feel and think for themselves by just not helping or offering my gifts. I've learned in my travels that most people make this choice and have less stress and suffering as a result.
Purpose Driven: In this lifestyle choice I'm not being driven by purpose, I'm being driven by simplicity and some sense of peace. While I wouldn't feel fulfilled ever, or like I lived my life with purpose, I'd be absolved of any true burdens or hardships of dealing with the society in which we created over the decades/centuries. I'd live a life of simplicity and slowly shut down over the years into just existing in my own little world.
This is not a view of nomad vs settler, or conventional vs unconventional. It's me recognizing that I am an unconventional nomad and that is what my calling is, living the conventional settler life is not my calling but is the temptation of easy street for me(I wonder if it'd actually be easier denying my passions?). It's no different than someone who is truly called to live a conventional settler life that attempts to be an unconventional nomad as an effort of simplicity or "giving up". It's about finding your own path and what works for you, not because the system indoctrinated you to do so, or not because of careless rebellion, but finding what resonates deep in your heart and consciousness.
Both of these are incredibly tempting choices for different reasons, and I wish I could have a little bit of both, but I know better than that. It's a life of service that leads to deep suffering and reward, because a life of purpose intensifies both the pleasures and pains or the light and darkness in a persons life. A life of self indulgence and service to only one's ego(or the system in so many cases for so many people)leads to less fulfilling "victories" that really harm the essence of one's own human spirit, and is the main reason why our world has fallen into a great deal of darkness. I'm just tired of struggling in the minority of those who want to free not only ourselves of financial debts, but most importantly of the prisoner within our souls, and our minds that have been enslaved.
So here I am, in the hustle bustle of California living again reflecting upon my life yet again and debating on which path I want to take. The one of my dreams that I've been constantly fighting to just scrape by with, or the one of easy street that leads to the knowing deep within that I never kept fighting for my purpose. Is it worth it anymore? Is serving the light worth it anymore? I'm not interested in serving the dark by becoming an evil bastard, I'm just not sure I want to serve a world that isn't ready to let go of it's own darkness yet, because the grip darkness has on this planet is only because we-the-people continue to hold it. By not continuing to search for ways to live my calling, I do serve darkness by default because I'm not being responsible for my gift, but I'm not sure I want this gift anymore, and in this dark world? I'm not totally convinced it's not a curse behind the mask of a gift.
Another fucking set of crossroads, which way to go??...
-Zachary Hill 2012(C)
